When I Grow Up…

As a child I think I always knew I wanted to be a nurse (except for maybe a teacher briefly) and I have accomplished that and have done many roles as a nurse.  However, I now realize that when I grow up I want to be like my daughter, Mary!  We spend more quality time in conversation then we probably did while she was in school (of which I have many regrets, but I can only make today different).  She states I am like a “cut and paste” into who she is, and since starting therapy/counseling she feels I would be a good “show and tell”.  It would explain much!  But here is the thing, she is working hard on editing the version of cut and paste she inherited.  Although not all things can be completely erased, the impact of them can be lightened.

BRAVERY.  Although I love to talk (a trait passed down from Grandma Frazee), she isn’t afraid of the hard conversations.  She is fearless in talking about things I have suppressed for years, and many things I continue to keep silent.  I can have surface level conversations and smile and say I am fine and continue on.  Mary talks about everything with me, and many times it is like listening to myself if I was talking into a mirror.  I am grateful that she took the initiative to find her therapist – something I have not even done for myself.  The fact that she needs the therapy from the “cut and paste” bad habits of mine and the scars of life hurts.  However, seeing her get healthy from the inside is invaluable for this mama’s heart.  I asked her if any topic was off limit in this birthday blog and she said no!  When I grow up, I want to be BRAVE like her!

UNDERSTANDING   She understands now that my intentions were good, and she has always been loved.  We did the best we could with that great parenting manual they give you (lol),  I could have worked less so I could have identified problems sooner with her mental health.  Thankfully, the issues were caught in time to save her life, but unfortunately not in time to prevent all the damaging scars.  However, all the years I missed it.  I made her be more responsible and grow up sooner than most kids her age.  Because she was so smart and independent, I assumed she could carry the extra.  I didn’t defend her when people added to the emotional chaos that further harmed her mental health.  Sticks and stones would have been less painful than the words she still carries on her heart and mind.  I have learned that though I may not remember all the things she does and/or remember the events the way she did, I need to say that “I don’t remember it that way.” or “that was not my intention”. And I am sorry you felt like that.  It has healed gaps and promoted a better understanding of each other.  When I grow up, I want to be UNDERSTANDING like her!

PEOPLE PLEASER – She is working on no longer faking her feelings and some may not appreciate it.  I am still the people pleaser who does things to ensure everyone else’s happiness even at the cost of mine.   My people pleasing has been at her cost too because I have modeled it for her life on this is what we do. I have pushed her into things that she may not have chosen on her own.  Did we learn some great things from them, yes, but what path did I prevent her from pursuing?  We may never know and for that I will be eternally sorry.  Eternally sorry that I did not shut out my voice from her head and all the others so she could choose her path.  She still does somethings out of “obligation” or respect, but overall is learning to chart her own life and adventures.  Thankfully she still turned out amazing and now listens to her own heart.  She has chosen a new college pathway and covers herself with tattoos.  Some may not understand her choice, but it is not their voice or heart she should follow.  She is breaking the chain of people pleaser!  When I grow up, I want to stop pleasing, and listen to my own heart!

SELF-CARE – I did implant a few things for self-care like reading and a long baths.  The difference is she keeps practicing the love of reading by doing it and soaking in the tub.  She is okay with laying around binging TV or reading a book.  She broke my habit of feeling that every hour needs filled with something!  Her skin care and hair care has always been a priority, but for a long time it was to mask her feelings and try to fill the gaps.  Now she actively is doing her self-care internally and externally.  She is okay with saying she is not okay and can’t make a decision.  She asks for help when she needs it and admits when she doesn’t even know what she needs.  Meanwhile, I respect her so much for learning what she needs for her self-care and saying it.  It seems the more she finds herself, the more I realize how much of myself I have lost.   When I grow up, I want to be like her and invest in my physical and mental self-care.

PRIORITIES  My crappy examples have also paid off though because she has learned which portions to go back and edit from the blueprint.   She has learned what not to do from my poor choices.  She has understood more of the priorities I have chosen.  I have shared reasons for the extra work, some valid, and some because it is my measurable escape.  I am good at my job, but often felt less than adequate as a mom.  At times, it was truly financial, but I didn’t share that level of honesty when she was a child.  Ironic how I thought she was old enough to take on the responsibility, but not understanding the why.  She had identified gaps in my priorities and edited those pieces for her life and marriage.  As above, she has also stopped listening to others who want to define the priorities for her.  I guess being a bad example helped her become a better version, just wish she would have edited sooner.   When I grow up, I want to write new priorities and actually do them, like Mary.

BELIEF SYSTEM.  We gave her a good base, I hope, on beliefs.  However, I am so proud that she didn’t practice believing what we did just because we did.  She has grown and questions things, people, theories and comes up with her own belief system.  We can agree to disagree, but honestly, she has opened my mind and heart to different things to consider.  If you ever want a deep conversation, give her a topic, and listen in.  When I grow up, I want to be able to question and defend beliefs like Mary.

Some things I know for sure is that Mary is a better version of a human than I will ever be.  My mom and Grandma Frazee would have loved her so much and I love that we talk about them often together.  I am certain my mom helped pick her out just for us.  I pray that by her next birthday that our many prayers are answered, and this stupid infertility can become a past story.  I am so sorry for giving this apparent trait to her!  So, she can be the model for her beautiful children  that is better than the one I gave her!  When I grow up, I want to be like Mary…

Dreaming..

I recently watched a movie called True Spirit, the true story of a 16-year old girl, Jessica Watson, who sailed across the WorldALONE!  She had a few communication devices, but was on the ocean/seas for 210 days ALONE!  Spoiler alert – she lived.  I looked that up before I even watched the movie because those who know me well, I am a Hallmark girl with happy endings.  I can’t get this movie out of my mind and with my daughter’s birthday, it seems even more significant.  

I initially was not going to watch the movie because I felt VERY judgmental of the parents.  What responsible parent, who loved their child, would allow their child at 16-years-old (really ever) to take a boat and sail across the world for 210 days?   It is so easy to look at someone else’s choices and make an opinion about them/their actions.  But, as the movie progressed, the teen and her parents were very aware of the complications that could occur – even death. 

After watching the movie, I changed my thoughts!  What amazing parents who let their child live out their dream!  It was not like the child/sailor was under prepared as she had been dreaming of this for years, from the time she was small.  She prepared for it.  She started talking about it when small and they never squelched that dream even then.  When they discovered her dyslexia they didn’t even discourage her dream, but helped her work around the difficulty. They didn’t suggest changing her dream.  She personally worked and saved money.  Developed a plan. Accepted the consequences of bad decision.  

How many times have I 

• pursued a dream, no matter the cost? Or exampled that for my children?

• squelched my children’s dreams with under belief or discouraging words?  

• enable or hindered my children to live their dream? 

• asked them (or my husband) about their dreams?   

• pushed MY DREAMS on those around me?  It stings a lot!

• allowed other people to push their dreams on my children?

• participated and helped them plan their dreams?

Mary and I have talked about some of the decisions I made for her and how difficult it was for her growing up. She now understands the decisions more, but I often put “my needs/family needs” over my daughter’s need to live her dreams.  Many of her dreams were also destroyed by other people like the mean girls that crushed her soul that have left permanent scars.  As a people pleaser, I taught her to accept the opinions of others as I had always done. The college degree was a result of the expectations placed upon her as the best way to go, but nearly crushed her while she was completing each class that she did!  Her wedding, while at the venue she wanted, was also hindered by expectations imposed upon her by me to invite more people.  While I cannot turn back time, I can only acknowledge how wrong I was.  Also, I can truly apologize for not always listening, not being the parent supporting 100%, and not encouraging her to block out the voices of everyone else!  (Still not sure I could support her going across the world in a boat, but thankfully she won’t want that – lol.)

I also know that children learn from their parent’s actions.  I am responsible for being an example.  The last dreams I ever really lived out was nursing school (about 35 years ago), marriage and having children.  None of them took the direct path I had planned, but I stayed focus.  I completed them and then I let the motion of life take over.  Why have I stopped dreaming – putting a vision to my/our life – setting the goal, doing the work, and making it happen?  If I think of something I may write it on a list, but never make a plan or share it or involve others with my “I will do it myself” personality.  This not only robs me of seeing them come true but robs others an opportunity to be involved and to support me.  In this movie though the trip around the world may have been just her physically on the ship, the trip was a result of a dedicated family and a mentor supporting the dream.  

What have I watched Mary do with some protest from me that was exactly what she needed?  She quit dance, she quit a job that I encouraged her to stay in longer than she probably should have, and she quit college after I persuaded her to just change degrees to have a degree in the end.  I made her suffer, but in the end the quitting helped her live HER DREAM.  What have I watched her do with my support and without the sermon – buy a house, get a job she loves, getting her tattoos / sleeve, and working out the details of her marriage!  Guess what -she is more than capable to make her own dreams and decisions!  Can I take back time and my actions?  NO, but I can NOW be her biggest cheerleader as she takes on her dreams!  I can be the one in the corner of the boxing ring of life that when she gets knocked down, I can encourage her to get back up again.  I can listen and watch her soar.

The other key thing in the movie was the honesty.  The teen sailor kept a video blog of what she was thinking/feeling that she shared with the world.  She shared the good (the amazing sights, the calm seas with good winds, the victories).  More importantly, she shared and owned the HARD STUFF.  She was raw at times with her hard things – days without any wind so going nowhere, being homesick, and even a leaking ship! Toward the end of the adventure, the teen sailor was facing the worst situation (a leaking ship and a huge storm) and her family still supported her decision.  I honestly would have probably robbed Mary of that experience by sticking to my opinion and finding a way to rescue her even at the cost of her dream!  This teen was probably more honest than I have ever been with my emotions.  I paint on the face and hold onto my “faith”.  She screamed at God and said her anger.  As I have watched Mary struggle with the biggest dream she has always had, I have seen her honesty with God.  At first, I wanted to quote scripture (like many of us do) and say it will all work out for good.  But I have been in similar shoes and it SUCKS!  Sometimes it feels like He doesn’t even hear us!  It is okay to be mad at God, and I believe He knows our thoughts anyway.  It is less hypocritical to be honest with Him than my method of a band-aid scripture.  I am thankful she still yells at Him, because isn’t that better than no conversation, which I also can be very guilty for.  I am proud that she doesn’t react like me – painting on the face and waving the faith flag.  She is stronger and braver than I have ever been.

I would do ANYTHING in this world to make her biggest dream(s) come true. While I can’t always make it happen, I can ensure her that NOTHING stands between me and supporting her (unless it is traveling across the world in a boat – lol). I will move all the obstacles I can. I can acknowledge her feelings and emotions as valid and not encourage her to look fine for other people. I can listen to the anger and hurt and just hug her, instead of offering words. I can support her when she needs tobe honest with others that stifle her dreams. I can speak louder my belief of her into her dreams than the voices of others . I can also give her an example to follow by me starting to dream again and saying them out loud.

It’s never too late to dream and never too late to support the one’s I love in their dreams! I just pray 2023 is the year of my daughter’s dreams coming true!

Advice for the Journey

I love analogies about life. Comparing life to something familiar to hopefully have life make more sense.   This year has been H A R D!  I have a mug that reads “trust the journey”, and well there are times I don’t agree.  My analogy about life right now is about life and how it relates to a traveling.  This year reminds me a little of one of my more adventurous trips.  Just a little summary, it was a work trip to Sarasota FL trip in 1997.  My mom had died that same year and I had a new job and traveled for training for my new job to Sarasota – alone.  Summary of my trip – 3 missed flights, arriving in hurricane like weather, lost luggage, hospital visit, never made it to training, did not know a single person, and jumped into a hill of red ants. The good parts: saw the sand/water before I left, my husband rescued me driving 3000 miles with his mom so they could get there faster, and an amazingly nice taxicab driver whose company got me safely everywhere I needed to be.  I also got to go on a separate trip to Nashville with my dad that I never would have had (I just thought about this)

Though my daughter’s life trip has been shorter than mine, we have taken different roads than some would have chosen for us.  My message overall is don’t let someone take the wheel of your life and ruin the trip! 

1. Choose YOUR path.  I truly believe God has a direction for life and He knows it all.  However, He leaves many details and choices to free will, which honestly is dangerous!  It would be amazing if it came with a big map that you could carefully unfold and notice if I go this route, it will take us here.  If I choose this route, it will take me there.  However, we can’t see all that wonderful information and need to rely on prayers, the wisdom we have learned, and the guidance of those we trust.  I could use a good map with the warning signs saying WRONG WAY.  However, God loves us regardless of the direction we head. 

• Look for the signs before the billboards – in my life, I have missed some of the road signs of slow down, yield, dead end, etc.  Sometimes I have been so busy breaking the speed limit that I miss the little signs He gives that I would have noticed if I would just slow down.  At times, I think I ignore them because they do not fit my life at the time (or I know more than I think He does or it’s not going to happen to me).  Don’t be like your mom who takes BILLBOARDS for God to get my attention.  Slow down and pay attention.  Enjoy the trips.  Listen to the signs your gut tells you along the way.

• Be careful of shortcuts – the obnoxious voice of the GPS saying would you like to go a faster / shorter route.  Be sure that the shortcut won’t take you through something you need to experience to grow.  Don’t be your dad who always chooses this option (lol).Remember the Virginia Beach trip where you dad listened to the lady in the GPS.  The good news is that even if you take a shortcut, and it is not going well, it is usually possibly to turn around and choose a better route and still get to your destination.

• Ask for directions – I tend to be Miss Independent, “I’ll do it myself!”.    Be careful who you ask for directions from as they may want to send you down a route they have traveled. Even worse, the ones who try to send you down routes they wish they would have taken.  If you get lost or are just not sure of the next step, pause, ask people you trust for wisdom for the next right thing.  Sometimes you won’t have the big map in front of you and must choose short distances.  In Frozen 2, a constant thing was the next right thing.  You don’t have to figure it all out at once, just choose the next right thing and ask if you are not sure.

• Choose YOUR passengers on your journey!  This is fundamental.  The interesting thing is your passengers may change over the trips.  This can because they want to go a different direction than you are headed.  It is ok as some passengers are there for a season and not a lifetime. Be careful as those who try to detour your trip by asking them to go a different direction to meet their needs.  The passengers who want you to change the radio station and not be willing to even listen to your music – if they will not accept the little things they won’t often accept the big either.  Passengers who are invested in you will not try to change you (even the small things).   Beware of back seat drivers who tend to be behind you telling you what to do, but not walking through life next to you!  Find the passengers who want to be along for the whole journey – the travel in the storms, when the air conditioning is broke, and for the random trips for ice cream or French fries.  In other words, the good and the bad!  If they are not healthy voices who truly love you – leave them at the next rest stop (and if necessary pull over and tell them to get out!)

• Packing for the trip.  Do don’t drag the “dirty ;laundry” from the past with you.  Unpack that suitcase and leave it where it belongs.  It’s hard to travel when the baggage is too heavy.  The other big rule (truly related to packing of clothes) is to make sure you love them, they are soft on your skin, and you feel beautiful in them.  You only have so much room in life – If it doesn’t  fit, make you smile, get rid of it (that could apply to people, things, clothes, etc.)  

• Turn around or make a U-turn.  If you get into your trip and realize the destination just isn’t going to work turn around!  It is better to recognize this early so save you time and anxiety.  It is okay to change your mind.  No matter what path you take, we love you unconditionally! 

• Do the maintenance required on the car.   Don’t be your mama and wait for the maintenance required light to come on before you pay attention.  Even better – your favorite – don’t wait for the fuel light to come on with only 30 miles (or less) till empty.  Your body is the same way.  It takes maintenance – inside and out.  I have left my body run out of gas and many days just get by.  Don’t be me!!!  It is so easy to do.  If you get too tired – pull off and rest and regroup!  While your external (and internal) does not have to be meticulous but feel good about the inside and the out.  Get rid of things that don’t belong.  Splurge every once in a while on the tri-color foam that smells good!  Stay you and fill that gas tank early!  A side note about the inside/out – don’t let people who has something negative to say about the external/internal have a powerful voice. 

• Be prepared for all conditions. The conditions are not always going to be bright and sunny, but when it is sunny make sure you have your sunglasses.  When it rains, pop up the umbrella and jump in the puddles (I wish I would have done this more, but never too late).  The snow – just stay home (lol) or wait for a state truck to come.  Seriously though, life conditions are about as accurate as the weather forecast.   It could start out great and get crappy mid-day without warning.  It is unpredictable.  Make the best of every day.  Know who the people are you can call on when the day is less than perfect.

1. Looking outside.  Be aware of what / who is too close to you!  You have great senses of creepy vans and people – keep that instinct.   Don’t be so busy looking to see who is ahead of you or behind you.  Life is not a competition.  Do not spend your life looking in the rear-view mirror always focused on the past.  It is ok if they are good memories, but if they are regrets, they will just slow the trip.  It is easy go get distracted – when that happens clean the windshield of all the bugs and move forward. 

Life can be beautiful, like you! It is an unpredictable adventurous journey.  Hold tight to the wheel of your life – take ownership of wrong turns and credit for all the right ones!  Either kick the people out of the car who don’t feel the same, or turn the music up so loud you can’t hear them.  Let God be your compass (and tell everyone else to shush!).  Know that no matter where you go, I will be there to pick you up if you are broken down or lost.  Just enjoy the ride and call me if you want to get some ice cream. 

Life Lessons

I owed Mary a BLOG for her birthday last month and I owe myself the time to create them. I absolutely love to write (except for Master Nursing Papers). Usually I share my writings to encourage others and let them know they are not alone in their battles. When I write for Mary it is lessons I wish I could go back and say to my younger self. I keep little notes in my phone (need to do more frequently) of thoughts or lessons. Here are some random ones.

KNOW YOUR WORTH

Recently I was in line at McDonalds at the drive thru with my window down and I could hear in the car behind me a male yelling profanities and names at the female and the children in the car. It was all I could do to not rescue them. I wanted to scream back “you are worth so much more”. I thought to myself is this a pattern for them to think she wasn’t worth more and will those kids grow to believe that is all they deserve. Growing up I knew I was loved often in words and always in action. My mom would give up food and give to us kids. We spent time together as a family going to church, camping trips, in the garden, etc. i saw love modeled with my Dad and his unconditional love for my mom. I was proud to be a Knight so much so that I wanted that name on my College Diploma.

As our children have grown we tried to ensure they know they are invaluable in words and actions as well. They deserve respect and unconditional love. The ongoing “joke” in our house was teaching Mary to love the finer foods like Filet, Crab Legs, nice dinners out, because when she met someone she wouldn’t just settle for McDonalds but know she was worth more. I use to give her mini sermons about asking the right questions to ensure the man she would love had beliefs would align with what she could agree to.

Mary – You are a Wolfe – loved by your parents beyond any word or measure. That will not change regardless of your life choices. So never settle for a life someone else wants for you. Be true to you and the choices you make.

Growing up I not only knew of my parents love but Jesus really loved me. Not just the motions of it but really knowing it. Mary, know your worth! It is not tied to a profession, your marital status, the number of friends, the number of kids, your clothes, your house, your political party, your education, tattoos or no tattoos, your makeup, and on and on. Your worth is that You are incredibly created and Loved by God. Be concerned only about the things He is concerned of – do you love like Christ? do you serve like Christ? The only people you have to answer to is the person in the mirror and to your Maker!

LIVE THE LIFE YOU IMAGINED

This one I have failed at miserably and hopefully the latest life event will be embossed on my daily life. It’s probably time to take a few steps back! Re-evaluate. Find my footing and return to my roots.

Am I living the life I imagined? Am I living the life God meant for me? As a Christian they should really line up with the other. Do I even know my dreams and/or what His will is? When did I stop dreaming and imagining and start relying on just going through the motions of life? When did I stop asking God for wisdom and guidance? I make a lot of decisions for what I think is best, often for the moment. I call it the bandaid response and in work I am huge against putting on bandaids but never getting to the root problem. However, in my daily life outside of work that is the sad reality. I do a temporary fix and it soon becomes permanent just hiding the bigger wound underneath. A bandaid on broken relationships, a house, finances, health, school, spiritual life, mental health, etc. Well, eventually the bandaids fall off – my response a new bandaid! It happens more than people would ever know.

Mary – have a great relationship with Christ. In true relationships you have good back and forth conversations, not just a one way of everything you want without listening for the response. One where you pick up where you left off on the last conversation. Of note, although I offer some really stellar advice (lol), I am not the keeper or maker of your dreams. I can support you, love you, and recommend no bandaids. However, it is your life and your dreams. Just don’t give up on them and start going through the motions. Don’t be like me! Breathe passion into each day and each dream! When there is a wound, I will always be here, but I recommend going to the Great Physician. (Note to self Sheri – take your own advice!)

DO IT EVEN IF YOU DON’T WANT TO!

So about this chasing your dreams and living the life you imagined, it takes work. Here is the other truth it takes work to just go through the motions of life too, so choose wisely! You know I love analogies so here is one I thought of on this topic. Going through motions seems easier however, it is like being on a stationary bike versus a trail bike. The stationary bike is work but you get nowhere. Same view everyday (unless you have a Pelatonic bike that gives you all those views. But still you never really go anywhere, especially if it is not plugged in – not mentioning any names – lol). A trail bike same work, but oh the views when you really go somewhere. I have a tendancy to procrastinate so on this bike analogy not only do I not get anywhere I can be late. I often find the things I have delayed are due to an irrational conversation I have with myself about how long something will take. I soon realize the time wasted in procrastinating it could likely have been complete. Evaluate the situation – is it something that will get you one step closer to your dream. If yes, do it even if you don’t feel like it. You know me, you don’t always have to wait for someone to catch up and help you. You are responsible for you and you can always hear my voice “Fine, I’ll do it myself!” Lol (ps know that I will always be your biggest cheerleader and will help whenever possible.)

FOLLOW YOUR PATH BUT DON’T GET LOST

Find your true north but don’t loose yourself

I do enjoy a good chick flick Hallmark movie. Most about self discovery – realizing they are not with who they think they should be (that is not me), not doing the job they have always dreamed of (most a life-work balance), and while they always end with “love” they also find themselves along the way. There is probably three true norths I have always followed – nursing, marriage, and children. I have made errors in every path, and still do. However, I have definitely lost myself along the way. Here is the thing about following directions and dreams, it takes a healthy human! Healthy spiritually, mentally, and physically. I have faked all of them at some point and some more than others. I have followed my north often with a broken spirit, a broken heart, a broken mind, and even a broken body. I hobble along and slowly loose pieces of myself. The great things about a compass is that it always points you in the right direction as long as it is not broken and that it is followed. You can’t put it on a shelf and think you know the way. You have to stop at rest stops and reevaluate it. Things change and directions change. Don’t go along and assume the route has not changed. There maybe detours. Keep check frequently on your dreams to make sure they are still what you want and you are still headed in the right direction! It is often not too late to turn around and take a different path. Just like when we drove in Pittsburgh for weeks to the convention center and we took a different way in and a different way out. We always got there and always got home. Just like Pittsburgh travel, the directions can change and it doesn’t mean the dream has changed, it could just mean taking a different direction to the destination. However,!it also could mean it is a better dream to follow. Make the time to ensure you are a healthy traveler following the compass.

GRATITUDE EVERY DAY

Live each day with gratitude. I am a glass half full girl. I tend to be the eternal optimist. One thing that keeps me on that trajectory is focusing on the gratitude. Looking for the little things to remind me how richly blessed I am. I can tell when I become focused on the negative and even when I am not even focused on anything. It’s like driving a car you go where you focus on going. When you loose focus you can crash! When you are negative for the whole ride it becomes a very long ride. It is in the simple things and the complex things that gratitude can be found. Be grateful for the first step in the right direction… be grateful for the lessons you learn when you mess up… be grateful for your daily bread and if you are lucky enough to savor a great dessert… I know I get a little obnoxious with gratefulness but some days it is the only thing that saves me!

Happy belated birthday one month late to my favorite daughter. I will always be your number one fan, your bail provider, and the nagging voice in the back of your head!

Above all else know you are a child of God and that He is the only compass you will need in this crazy life!

The journey starts with the next step!

Well I have a BIG birthday coming this year, and my daughter just celebrated her landmark 21^st birthday on last Thursday. We had made big plans to go out of town as a family – to celebrate her. It has been a couple years since we escaped as a family. Last year our celebration was as at our beautiful daughter’s wedding. We were looking forward to just being together in one of our favorite towns, enjoying the food, some drinks, wings, and ranch dressing. We would squeeze in a few shops and lots of laughter. There is something about landmarks whether birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, weddings, etc. It is a time to pause and reflect on the past, savor the present, and plan for the future.

It is like staring at map that says “you are here”. I can look at the map and decide if I like where I am. Do I want to go backward, generally not, as although the past has made me who I am today, I do not want to go back. I had a recent discussion with a young lady, and she had moved in with a gentleman about a year prior. She realized it was not the right decision for her and her children. She said she was moving. I asked if she was moving back home and her reply, “I am not moving back, I am moving forward into my home”. It made me pause that she wanted to focus as her choice as moving forward and not taking a backward step. How many times have I thought of life as going backward when in fact I was still moving forward?

Sometimes it feels like I keep standing at the ”you are here” sign and look around and around. I try to figure out which direction I want to go next. I feel like at times I turn and turn – stuck in the same spot. Never taking a step in any direction. I am here with so many areas of my life. My landmark birthday is coming and I can’t decide the direction I want to take for it, let alone beyond that landmark, for my life. I want to celebrate the journey I have taken. I don’t want to look back and focus on all the wrong roads I have taken or on all the roads I did not take. The roads have led me to be who I am. I am not always happy with that I must admit, but that is when the choice for the next road is so important and I won’t get there by just standing here.   I want to look at whatever the path as moving forward.

The other reflection is who am I standing with at the “you are here” sign. How many people have impacted my journey and gone along for the ride? I have some amazing passengers in my journey. I have lost some way before their time (my mom and my grandma), but the time we shared was priceless.   I have had some who chose to not travel any farther with me. I thought it was me but realize that their life also took a different road/direction. It is life, but I can choose to reflect on the amazing journey together we had.  Either way, I must keep moving forward and choose the passengers carefully. I also have to appreciate when no one else goes along at times. That is a chance to be still and listen to God.

It is more than about where I have been and where I am going. More than about who has driven or traveled along. It is why I have gone the directions I have. I need to think about why I am going the direction I am heading.  I have gone directions based on the needs of others.   So often I have traveled based on the directions given to me by someone else. I have also gone by impulse without a clear reason or consideration of where I would end. I have on more than one occasion gone on directions given to me by someone else for various reasons – to please them or to help them (and often because I would not say No). The directions I have followed because of a purpose – nursing school, marriage, having children – have been most successful and satisfying.

The scary part of being a mom is that I have children who have watched my aimless directions for years. My going around and around and not getting anywhere. They have also watched me go through the motions of the same route every day because that is the direction I know. They watch me not plan my route out and take my chances of where I will end.  I often find myself in the middle of a destination that I chose by myself and start praying in the middle, instead of asking for wisdom for clear direction before I set out. I am impulsive and loose control at times.   I go at high speed at times and then are forced to stop suddenly. I want them to see a mom with a well-planned destination, moving forward consistently, and not so busy looking in my rear-view mirror that I become distracted.    A woman who goes with intention and a purpose. But mostly, I want to be a woman who is enjoying the ride whether alone or with all the passengers who choose to go along with me.

Please Lord, help me be an example and to live this journey out loud. Help me

• to ask for direction daily (and sometimes more often),
• move beyond the “you are here sign” even if it is just one step (even if it means you shove me),
• pay attention to the signs along the way (speed limit, dead end, yield, etc.),
• see what you want on this journey (not so focused on the end of the trip that I miss the little things along the way)
• look ahead and not focus what is in the rear view mirror (unless it teaches me something),
• enjoy when I am alone on the journey (because really I am not alone – it is then just you and me for me to silence the radio and listen),
• savor the passengers that choose to go on this journey with me (and not focus on the ones who have not),
• and make the most of every step – small or large (because You are in the big and small)!

Amen

Jeremiah 29:11 Says God has plans for ME – plans to prosper me and give me hope and a future. I am positive that means that I need to ask for directions and take the next step.

Reflections on Christmas Past, Present, and Future

I started this blog on Christmas Day.  Life delayed the completion….

Today was like a flashback of memories of Christmas’ past and I am not really sure why.  As I watched Sam open a present, I remember all the years of saving wrapping paper by gingerly cutting the tape from each package. The wrapping paper was folded nicely and placed in a box to be re-used the following year.  Every year a new tag went on. Some gifts were for individuals.  Some would say the boys and contained Legos that likely carefully unwrapped in the attic and played with before they ever got placed under the tree.  Some would say family and would contain a huge 1000 plus pieces puzzle to be put together on the dining room table.  We also loved playing board games as a family.  Oh, I remember that dark table with the metal legs with matching orange chairs that swiveled and had dark metal base.  I regress.   My mom kept a very detailed journal of every gift she gave to us as she always wanted it to be fair with the cost and the number of items.   I often say my family wasn’t big on holidays, and I just said that today.  I realize I was wrong.  My mom would hang silver or multi-color tinsel around EVERY door opening, wrapping it around the lamp post light that sat on the divider between the kitchen and living room.  We had a big artificial tree that we carefully wrapped in colored lights and lots of tinsel, followed by bulbs that were wrapped in a thread like material  She preferred blue and white balls.  One year we painted wooden ornaments.  I still have them too, but could not locate them for our tree this year.  My Grandma Frazee loved Christmas.  She loved to go to all the dollar type stores (like D.K. at the Laurel Mall) and would buy books and small little cheap toys as we got older, we could get anything from bowls and tea towels to miscellaneous gadgets.  Many still I use everyday and when one finally breaks it pains me to discard them.  My Grandma Frazee usually had a tiny tree that adorned the dining room table.   They loved to bake cookies – snickerdoodles, little nut balls that were rolled in powdered sugar when they came out, and SUGAR COOKIES rolled thin and sprinkled with green or red or a mixture of the two and baked till they were crispy.  My dad loved them.  I still have the cookie cutters and I often vow to make Dad the cookies.  Some years we would make and pull homemade taffy with buttered hands, so it didn’t stick as we pulled (and now realizing that likely increased the burn!).   Hard tack candy made and poured on the marble countertop of the bar in the kitchen.  The big bowls of mixed nuts accompanied with the nut crackers.  We went to church and my mom played the piano.  I still have the piano and every piece of music she owned. I can close my eyes and see her there.  We sang in the choir as children and participated in every play.  We even hung all those plastic wall decorations up that can now be found at yard sales for big money.  We often made new Christmas magnets for the refrigerator because they often were eaten by a mouse over the summer as they were stored in the attic.  I even remember the Mr. and Mrs. Clause made from Reader Digest magazines carefully folded and spray painted (the mice liked them too).  How can I say my family wasn’t big into Christmas?

I even have bins full of village items, a few Nativity scenes, multiple ornaments.  When we were first married, I decorated the house.   The year of our miscarriage our church brought Christmas to our home when I couldn’t bring myself to find it myself.   The year my mom passed, I spent it going to every church I could find locally with a service to feel the season – I looked for it.  What changed?

Present – I am in a hard season.    We are in the adjusting of the medications for a hormonal whirlwind as a result of low estrogen and critically low Vitamin D. (p.s. I think I need to sit on a beach and not move until my Vitamin D is restored).  Menopause + Polycystic Ovaries + Uncontrolled Diabetes = a hard season.  For me it was going to my doctor and being completely honest.  Honesty about not “being fine” is hard for me.  We are adjusting things, but I struggle with compliance.  I struggle taking care of myself.  My doctor has me on visits every 2 months as she is worried.

But, it is past the medical mess brewing in my body.  It is my heart and my mind.  It is the constant feeling in my gut, that nothing is ever enough.  I do truly try to keep the ½ full cup constantly in sight.  However, some days it feels like it is a ½ cup of vinegar that makes everything bitter.  As a result of the season, my procrastination is heightened to avoidance.  As though, avoiding / ignoring Christmas will make it go away.  Instead, it came (and has gone) and I succeeded with some of the motions.

For the last week, I have tried to listen to Christmas music. As I listened in the past, certain ones would touch my heart and help me remember.  This year, I noticed the lyrics, but they were different.  Lines stood out to remind me where my spirit is.

• From Away in the Manger, one of my mom’s favorites, talks in the last verse about “Be near me Lord Jesus, I ask the to stay. Close by me forever and love me I pray.” Well I want Him near but I keep moving further away.
• The Little Drummer Boy – “I bring my best to Him” and well nope! I bring far from the best, and in reality, I don’t bring anything to Him.  Certainly not my best.  I hold onto everything with cleansed fists and a closed mind.   At Christmas, His Birthday, I feel like I come in empty handed and actually do not feel like I responded to His Birthday Invitation.  The day passed and I went through the motions.
• Silent Night where everything is calm and bright. Not for me.  Everything is crazy and grey.
• Joy to the World, but I can’t even feel the joy for me.

It is crazy to be like this as a Christian in the “Most Wonderful Time of the Year”.  The celebration of the birth of Jesus.  My goal is just do enough to sneek by with only the essentials.  I didn’t even make it to one single Christmas church service.  SIGH.

We did make it to see The Grinch per Sam’s request.  The story, we all know, but the version in the theatre this year was Cindy Lou requesting Santa to grant a wish for her mom. Her mom was what appeared to be a night shift nurse who worked and came home to take care of everything.  She made it look like everything was ‘fine”.   Sam leaned in to say “That’s you mom”.  I cried.

Future – Thankfully I have a whole year to do better.   It may take having an accountability partner to say Sheri, get it together.  I may need to make a calendar of things to complete (this year NOTHING Christmas was on my to do list except the week before I finally wrote buy gifts).   I don’t want my family feeling their Christmas list needs to be for their mom’s sanity.   They deserve the memories I hold from my childhood.  Will I ever open all the bins of Christmas items I have in storage?  More importantly… will I open my heart?

Missing pieces, my Bible, prayer, and me. A STEP forward to honesty.

I should be writing a college paper… cleaning our house… cooking a meal… but instead, I need to spill my soul.  I LOVE to talk, a trait I inherited from my Grandma Frazee and Mom. However, when my heart is heavy, and my find is full of swirling thoughts, it is writing that I love.  I love to dump my brain, it helps me release all the thoughts, fears, regrets in my head and sort them.  Somewhat like a puzzle.  Growing up we would have 1000-piece puzzles on the dining room table that was black iron had the coolest orange vinyl chairs that spin.  I would love that table now. OH, the memories.   The other beautiful thing about writing is that often memories creep in and pour out.  Anyway, about the puzzles.  We would sort the edge pieces from the center pieces and then put the outer edge together.  It gave us a base to work from, and honestly was the easiest part.  That is also a lot like life – we do the easy stuff first.  We then sorted the center pieces by what appeared to go together.   Until it was complete.  I see people on my Facebook feed that still do puzzles and I remember the memories of doing that especially with my mom.  Lately I feel like the puzzle, purchased at a yard sale, still in the box, nothing put together, and possibly even a piece missing.  I am not honestly even working on the easy stuff – the border – to put my life-puzzle in shape.

It is kind of dangerous for me to put this out there in writing, and maybe I will choose not to publish this (if you are reading this you will know).  However, I want to be BRAVE. Be Honest. Be Vulnerable.  I am sure I am not alone, even if it feels like it.  So, here comes my brain dump of the missing pieces.  Subtle little/big things in no particular order to indicate I need to take a STEP, my neglected but not forgotten word for 2018.

•  I cannot find my Bible.  The problem with this is that I can’t remember the last time I used it.  The last time I even went to church where I would use it.  I cannot remember where I last had it.  I went this past Sunday to Church as a last-minute decision!  I took a small Bible I use to use, but now the print is so small that I struggle.  I went to church because I need to hear God.  I was hopeful that since it was a church, with people gathered to hear about Him, that He would be there.  Although some may have been like me for years there as part of the motion, wouldn’t that be an interesting survey to do – why do you go to church?  For more honesty I would say for awhile to hear God, but longer for the motion, or to see the people.   Surely, at a church with people gathered, God would show up.  I need Him to show up, although reality is I am the one who doesn’t show up.  He never moves or changes.  But here is the problem – I lost my Bible.  What does that mean – that means I can’t remember the last time I looked for HIM in the very words He gave me for direction.  It means that I am relying, if anything, on my history of what I remember.  The problem with that is so much of it is a surface understanding, the simplified version, a simple scripture or a few to cling to when I need a quick answer.  Thankfully, I was raised in church and have verses that I can cling to!  However, scary that I have lost the very item I should use for my missing pieces.  By the way, my last-minute decision of going to church, with a Bible I could barely read due to the size of the print, was a big nudge from God.  He knew I needed there to hear about yet another missing piece to the puzzle.
• My prayer life STINKS!  I am pretty good about if I see a need on social media that asks for prayers that I pause right after reading it and say a brief prayer – like “God, may they feel you there”.  I pray every time I go to work as a floor nurse again a brief prayer as I pull in the parking lot – “God, help me have a good night, may I bless a life with my care, and could you please keep them safe, and by the way a great assignment would be appreciated.”  (that is seriously what I say).  I also will pause if I hear life-flight helicopter and say “God be with all those involved.”   I have a prayer here and there when I have a need, and usually consider my grateful list on Facebook as me praising God for what He has done. However, that grateful list use to be a daily prayer and now not so much.   I used to be faithful in prayer.  One of my favorite practices was circle prayers (would recommend The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson).  However, going to church, even as a last-minute decision, was exactly where I needed to be.  I went because I knew I needed to.  A step toward God.  Even if I was the only person in the congregation there for God, He would also be there.   Guess what – HE did show up to me.  He showed up and stepped on my toes about PRAYER.   Not only have I not been reading to hear Him, but our conversation has stopped.  Like any relationship, when the conversation stops, it gets easier to be distant. 
•  I passed out.  It happened at work about a month ago.  It should have never happened. The physicians are saying they don’t know how or why.  I am ok.  I think about that night and can recall all the details of the situation. No, it wasn’t the blood I saw, no it wasn’t my sugar was low (checked it), no I wasn’t over heated (no mask or gown), the door was open and a fan was on, no I didn’t lock my knee, etc.   I was talking to a patient about her wedding to distract her. Suddenly, I became a little lightheaded, asked her to call for a nurse just to relieve me, and I passed out.  Striking my head on the wall going down they say, and evidenced by a large bump on my head.  I have never passed out before (and never care to again).  Here is the thing, the it “should have never happened” were words echoed by my infertility specialist when I couldn’t get pregnant with even medication because per medical professionals I would never have children… BUT GOD…     I truly believe that passing out was another billboard that God put in my life to get my attention.  I am sure there were several little signs that I missed along the way.   I tend to need the billboard. 
•  In reality, I have had a few billboards as I write and reflect.  Another benefit to writing.  When I got my A1C /glucose levels back last fall – it was another BILLBOARD!  I became very compliant with a new medication to get it under control.  However, the medication led to a hospitalized as result of side effects landed me in the hospital very dehydrated and an attack to my kidneys.  I was started a new medication after that and was so diligent.  We endured the extreme cost and really was compliant.   Then another hospitalization in March for a sudden gallbladder attack that came out of nowhere!  I believe another BILLBOARD with an arrow.  I did not head to the BILLBOARD immediately – do you see that pattern in me?  I waited.  In May, I heeded.  I returned to night shift Oncology Nursing.  I listened to the BILLBOARD, and have found when I heed to the Billboards it is with benefit.  I have patient’s who remind me about the brevity of life and the beauty of making each day worth living.  I have improved insurance to cover the cost of our medications. However…
•  Almost a year later, WOW another epiphany while writing.  In one year I have taken steps forward, but my health SUCKS again!  I literally went to the doctor so he would draw labs and yell at me.  He handed me a scripture instead of yelling.  However, my labs arrived with a special little note and explanation points.  Last year I listened promptly.  This year not so much.  My heart loves being back at hands on nursing care.  Yet, I find my head and body doesn’t like to keep up with my heart.  I care for patients not only with cancer but also diabetes and you would think that would be enough.  I can be a really bad non-compliant patient.  I make myself so mad at ME!  It is a continual beat myself up fiasco.  I get mad at my health and I get mad that I don’t do anything about it.  
• We went to the beach and it was wonderful just being ocean side, reading book, saturating myself with the family, and no work with me.  I read books and laughed. Then we return home….. to reality and was like the beach and all I poured into my soul that week was spilled when reality kicked by pitcher over… and honestly, I haven’t been the same. I truly believe God let me go to get replenished and I didn’t protect all that filled my soul.  I let it get kicked back over with simply returning to life.  I dropped it all instead of holding it close.
•  I saw on Facebook about a large local sunflower field less than 30 minutes from me.  I love sunflowers I think because they grow and their “faces” grow looking up to the heavens.  While going to the beach I read in the Magnoiia Magazine about zinnia and dahlia flower patches.  It made me dad that my Grandma has been gone 19 years and I miss those flowers every year!  Vowing every year I will have a garden of flowers and include all the ones she grew. Every year I don’t and regret it!  Almost 20 years of regret!  Do you know how many packets of bulbs I have purchased and didn’t plant.  Anyway, back to the sunflowers, I finally told Jim lets go see them.  On the way we passed the driveway of the daycare Sam went to for a few years and it brought back some hard memories, regret, and sadness.   We made it to the sunflowers and they were dying and their faces pointing down.  Their vibrancy for life gone.  They no longer looked up and their color was brown.  I would have sobbed had I been alone, but I was with Jim and really didn’t want to explain.  Another missed opportunity because I didn’t take it sooner.  Another defeat because of procrastination.  But those sunflowers were yet another BILLBOARD for me.

I am so tired of the..

• self-defeat I put myself through every day that I am not enough. 
• self-abuse of what I fill my mind with every day.  I call it abuse because if I said the same things to my child every day, it would be mental abuse.
• season of settling, when there is so much more (and if ever in doubt I can ask a cancer patient)
•  looking backward and wishing I would have done x-y-z.  
•  vicious cycle I have allowed to overtake me everyday in many areas. 
•  work being my escape because there I know what I am doing, tasks are easy to check off, etc..
•  making excuses instead of taking steps. 
•  setting a crappy example for my family and letting them get the “leftover” me. 
•  sadness and crying when I get alone and have time to dwell
•  abused to my body as a result of out of control weight, diabetes, and menopause.
•  neglecting of my word for 2018 and  not taking at least one STEP everyday to move me forward. 
• pretending that all of this is ok and going through the motions of life
• hiding, self-medicating with bad habits, procrastinating, and living a dishonest life
• saying I am fine (which is why I am writing this now).

Well, it is a new season for the year.  FALL.  I have always loved fall, but I am so sad that summer is gone.  I let it slip through my fingers, just like I let the soul-filling trip of the beach.   Ironically, I wrote this on a get away trip to Gettysburg trip this weekend.  It is a perfect time to STEP strongly into a new season of life.  So, if you are reading this, know I am better for being honest.   My soul needed empty of all the self-defeat I filled it back up with after letting all the good spill out from the beach.    If you need to be honest and need some accountability too, reach out to me.    Life is too short to go it alone with a painted-on smile!  Though the season for sunflowers is over – the season of Thanksgiving is right around the corner.  I want my face up to the Heavens and my color back in my soul.   

STEP UP to YOUR TARGET

The other day I was walking into one of my favorite stores, Target, to get supplies for Mary’s homemade floral centerpieces for Easter. I have walked in that store thousands of times, but this time was different. As I looked at the huge bright red Target symbol I thought about my life, the conversations with Mary, a friend, Mary’s friends, and Sam.

When I was young I would say I was ON TARGET for the bulls-eye. I finished high school with a high GPA, went to college and got my Bachelors in Nursing before I got married (hit the bulls-eye), I got married to an incredible honorable, Godly man (hit the bulls-eye), and landed an amazing job as a floor nursing job in Oncology (hit the bulls-eye). HOWEVER, none of those BULLS-EYES happened without many hours of practice and time commitment, many broken arrows as road-blocks appeared, many sleepless nights, and definitely not without prayer after prayers (said for myself and said by others for me).    I also have not always landed on the BULLS-EYE because of a variety of reasons.

First, I think about the bulls-eye I set that we would have 6 children. However, after a miscarriage, years of infertility, and then very high-risk pregnancy, my target had to change. My bulls-eye became to love the children we were richly blessed with and not focus on the number.

I think about my bulls-eye that I took chances with including a job in Pittsburgh with an approximate 2.5 hour drive one-way with rush hour traffic. I didn’t calculate the hours away from my husband and daughter. Some targets cost more than we calculate they will. I didn’t consider all the consequences. God still blessed the job thru a bedrest for our son. However, after he arrived I had to pull out the arrows and start shooting for the next job to best meet our family.

However, here I am sitting again. Contemplating life’s decisions. Wondering where my next set of arrows should go.   Really, I am going to be 48 years old and I am contemplating where I should be next in my life.  I thought I would be further along in some areas of my life.  But life has happened and in some big ways!  I have hit the target sometimes, but many times feel like the arrows miss the target completely or were not shot with enough passion to land strongly so hit and bounce off. I had a friend, who is a little younger, recently who said the same thing to me – by now they thought they would have grown up and knew what they wanted. I have recently been challenged by hearing someone talk how they changed jobs based on God’s leading. I am learning to work on that God’s will. Some maybe surprised by that because I was raised in the church; however, it is easier to fax the motions. Honestly, I am guilty of taking the leap and praying for God’s blessing after the fact (thankfully He has!)

The interesting thing for me is when I listen to my daughter and her friends as they struggle over the quiver of arrows they have. They have career decisions, relationship decisions, school decisions, financial decisions, etc. The irony is they hear and feel so much pressure to shoot those arrows and hit the bulls-eye the very first time. Some pressure comes from society about picking the perfect career path, the perfect college, etc. A friend at work is detailing to me the pressure her daughter is feeling as a Junior to visit schools, the essays for applications, the SAT scores, and the need to hire a private college prep advisor (or some crazy title) to be sure to have the BEST. I said but she is a Junior and may change her mind. Her mom is total agreement, but the pressure from the school and the peers are driving her decision. So, her mom caves in too and keeps shooting the arrows, paying the money, and at the students young age, it is likely to be a long time before a bulls-eye is hit.  The other unfortunate thing is as a society, we often expect everyone to follow a certain sequence and fit in. If you don’t fit in, you will know it quickly with a social media post, as people will pass judgement. We plant just enough judgement to make people question their aim and their target.

Honestly, every day, I can tell you the targets I have missed as a mom, a wife, a friend, etc. I want to give them so much more than I do. I am not just talking material things, but miss the mark with quality time, encouragement, love languages, etc.   Every day, I shoot poisoned arrows at myself, unfortunately they often land on target of my heart and my head.

Sometimes my bulls-eye has not been within the will of God, not best for me, not best for our family. But I get so stubborn and determined to succeed in what I started that I wouldn’t stop trying. Sometimes I get so mad and cry and I break and stomp on the arrows. Although they seemed like wasted arrows and time it is all part of the learning process.

So here a little advice, inspired by Target, and good for me and anyone else who needs to hear this!

It is not a sign of weakness to have to remove the arrows and try to shoot again! I have done this time and again with jobs. If college is what you believe you wanted and realized it is not a good fit, remove and re-shoot. If the degree you choose is not what you expected, remove and re-shoot. If the guy you met on a dating app isn’t a good fit, remove and re-shoot. If the job isn’t the best fit, remove and re-shoot. HOWEVER, while you are in the outside of the target, learn all you can from the situation, because they may, in fact, lead you to the next target.

For the arrows not landing in the bulls-eye, step back and evaluate why they didn’t Is it truly God’s plan/will for your life or is it the plan you made and just hoped God would bless it.   Is it the best fit for you (and your family)? I truly believe for me I don’t always land on the eye because God is protecting me because I may not be ready for that yet. Protecting me because it is outside of His will for my life, and He definitely has a better view of my life than I do.

It is okay to not land on the bulls-eye, sometimes hitting within the big target is fine. I feel like this is where I am now. I am still in Nursing (my career target), but not sure I shouldn’t have a few arrows on the target. It may take me shooting a few more arrows and they may all stay within the big target, but never the bulls-eye.   I believe it is okay to settle. I know of someone who wanted to be a high-profile job, but wanted to be a mom more, so is settling for a different path.

You may not hit the bulls-eye the first time or every time I shoot. Life is a big practice field. I feel like the areas where I landed on the bulls-eye were times I was truly within the will of God. I think I often don’t hit the first time because I often don’t wait for God’s direction for my life. I gather all my arrows, mark the target with MY goal, and just start shooting. Often, those arrows fall to the ground defeated. Sometimes I pick back up and keep shooting at that stupid target determined to make it work, yet remain outside of where I am meant to be. God can still take the mess and bless it.

Sometimes you land on the bulls-eye, but the win does not feel as good as I expected. Again, I think this is when I thought I knew what the target was but it wasn’t as glorious as I thought it would be. Sometimes, I believe I wound others with my flying arrows getting to the bulls-eye and realize the casualties I caused also was not worth hitting the eye

Are your arrows falling short from the whole target? Often that is when my strength is low. Lately, this has been my spiritual strength. I think of the Bible story of Moses who would get so tired holding up his arms that his friends came and lifted them for him. How many times do I not ask for my friends to lift my arms to position the arrows. Some goals/targets are not meant to be reached alone. Maybe it is saying come help or say a prayer for me. My Grandma Frazee would always quote her favorite Bible Verse Philippians 4:13 that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Strength from others is not going to happen unless I admit I need it and ask.

Are there too many distractions preventing you from hitting the target? Do I listen to the negative voices in my head talk to me while I shoot (the voices say – Sheri do you realize how often you miss, are you sure this is what you really want, you are not good enough, you are not pretty enough, you are too weak, etc…). I also get distracted by the criticism and expectations of others. Just because someone tells me what target I should hit, does not mean I have to listen to them? I need to sometime tell people to just whisper or be silent unless I ask for their guidance.

Are you letting a list of excuses stand in the way of hitting the target? This could be my target for my health is a healthy weight, but the excuses for not exercising and eating right is long! I love to read books but somehow never hit the target of reading all the books I want.   Project after project I have listed in my notebook and time after time I let something else get in the way. All the times I need to figure out just the next arrow to shoot – the next step to take – and I make an excuse or procrastinate. The infamous one is often I have too many things to do, my calendar is too full, etc. when in reality I just don’t spend my time wisely. I also miss shooting arrows because I keep procrastinating (UGH).

Is timing and/or distance the issue?  Maybe I need to not shoot to hit the bulls-eye so quickly and appreciate that landing within the target can give beautiful learning experience. Maybe I need to slow down and not make the decision on the target/bull’s eye without considering all the consequences and costs. Maybe by rushing to make the decision I am missing out on the best target for me.  Maybe I am too close the bulls-eye and not looking at the big picture. Maybe I am standing too far away to see it clearly. It may take a little more time to move closer or further away, but the time and distance can offer clarity when I just focus on shooting the arrows.

Am I too busy look at someone else’s target that I am missing mine? Or maybe too busy comparing my target to “her target” and what she has, etc… that I can’t see mine before me. I think we all have that perfect person, confirmed through social media. If you don’t have one person to compare yourself to, you can visit Pinterest and feel less of a mom, a wife, a homemaker, a professional, etc.. as pictures and pictures of perfection flood the pages. God has a plan, a target, for each of us! When we compare, we rob ourselves of an amazing blessing, and will never hit OUR bulls-eye!

Everyday we can learn from where our arrows have currently landed (jobs, education, friendships, etc.)  Every arrow we shoot is one step closer to the bulls-eye. I am learning, you are never too old to remove some arrows and re-shoot them.   I love watching my daughter and her friends shoot their arrows and I love praying for them to land exactly where they were meant to land. My only regret is in all my arrows is that I have not covered them in prayer before shooting them.  The beautiful thing is, God still turned them all into learning opportunities and blessings.

One thing I know for sure – every day God gives us a new set of mercies (Lamentations 3:23) – a new set of arrows to shoot and a new target.

Choose your own STEPS and Don’t do as I do… please do as I say.

Every year, our beautiful daughter, asks for one thing from me on her birthday – this blog. She knows it is good for my soul to write, and good for her heart to hear. But where did 19 years go… I want to focus on all the thing I wish I could do over, but more importantly the things we can begin.

Mary and I often talk about how I always knew what I wanted when I was younger for a career. I did become the nurse I wanted to be and made the decision easily in high school. It likely started as I watched the care of my Grandfather when I was young, followed by caring for my mom, followed by caring for my Grandma, and just knowing that is my personality. I had it all figured out – graduate from college, get married, large family of 6 children, and stay home to raise them. However, God had other plans. I have often ignored His plans and allowed them to be drowned out with MY plans and the plans of others. I have made many (most) decisions without deep enough prayer to have peace. However, God has taken those messes and blessed them to lead me to where I am today.

So, when Mary struggles to figure it all out of where she wants to be down the road and she compares her life to mine it is hard to help her find her pieces to her life puzzle. I was blessed not to have a lot of opinions of my future, just support. At times, especially in school, instead of supporting her, I shoved her to do harder and be more. It was not intended to be meant that she wasn’t enough, although I realize now that is how it was interpreted. I just always knew she was/is capable of whatever her largest dream would be. I wanted her to reach those dreams despite all the voices that tore her down.  There are times when we talk about past years that I am so sad that I missed so many signs and opportunities to pour into her soul.   I missed so many chances of putting words and actions into her soul, that today, she doubts, worries, and questions who she is and who she wants to be.

Unfortunately, I can’t go back and have do-overs, but I do have today to change and that may have impact on her future. Helping her to know all the words and actions – good, bad, critical, uplifting – has created her to be the amazing woman she is today.

I wish I would have been more honest and transparent about my struggles, instead of always trying to protect and making things look easier than they were. I like to just “handle” thing and keep my feelings and concerns to myself. I hate to admit weakness and will rarely accept help.  Sadly, this has taught our daughter the same – that if you struggle you should hide it and do it alone. In reality, it has lead me to face many battles alone that could have been shorter battles and more successful with a little help by my side. It has left me lonely when all I wanted was to just call someone and say I just can’t do it anymore. I still struggle to this day with my walls and my carrying my own burden (that can be a whole separate blog).

I wish I would have made my physical health and self-care a priority. Though some of the adventures in the past could not have been avoided, like my recent unexpected surgery, I could be in a better physical health. We share some medical history, that I have unfortunately bestowed her. I cannot really preach her a sermon, when I need to have it played back to the person in the mirror. I put everyone, everything, every job, etc. in front of taking care of me. I have improved in stealing time for a hot bath, but lack anything beyond that. I look at my body and my health and most days wish I would have done something sooner, but this ultimate procrastinator always said tomorrow. Just to think I could be a strong healthy woman….

I wish I would have made my spiritual health a priority and transparent. I have become very open recently with her in this area. I am not sure at the point where things changed, likely when I left no room to spend time with God or to hear his plans. I have great spiritual upbringing with Christian parents who raised me in church. I found I relied on my past spiritual base to keep me going, but without the continual filling of that it dried up. It is easy to go through the motions and then it becomes easy to just stop doing the motions. Sadly, when the motions stopped there was no example left.

It is easy to look back over 19 years (still can’t believe it has been 19 years) and see things I wish I would have done differently. It is time to change me today to be the example she needs in a mom. My Mom, Mary, left this world to go to heaven to send me our Mary. I still can close my eyes and know the example she lived out loud transparently – struggles, health, spirituality.   I want Mary to have that same example.

From this day forward, Mary, don’t do as I do, but please do as I say…..

Don’t look at choosing the wrong initial path as a failure, but that you were brave and took a step forward. Although, it doesn’t now feel to be the best path, experiences and education is never wasted and it is never too late to pick another road to travel. The important thing is to choose the road YOU want to be on and believe in enough to travel alone. However, you will not be alone because those that love you will join you, support you, and carry you. If you choose the path based on other’s expectations, you will reach the end but be sad you missed the turn.

Make finding your small community a priority. Be open, honest, and transparent with those select lucky people. Allow them in for the hard stuff as well as the fun stuff. Let them be the ones who pray for you, laugh with you, and cry with you. It is okay not to have it all together and okay to let people see that side of you. Reach out and let them know the load is too heavy and you need a hand. Don’t be your mom and handle life alone!

Make your health a priority.  You have watched your mom slowly fall apart, go without sleep, stuff her face with food to calm the sadness, etc.  Give yourself the sermon you give to your mom. Don’t be beating yourself up a few years down the road wishing your health would have changed. Your mom looks back now and realizes procrastination has hit the hardest in this area of life, and she can’t turn it back now. Chose one small step everyday to give you the brightest future of having the family you have always dreamed of.

Make your spiritual health the biggest priority. Your mama has learned the high cost of spiritual emptiness and cost of hiding the empty. God never moves, so if you feel He is far away, it is because of your position, and not because of His.   Seek Him in scripture, in songs, in sermons, and in prayer – just be sure to NEVER stop seeking Him. Never make the past motions be enough to sustain you. Be intentional though and don’t go through the motions. Many prayers have been said over your life, Mary, but they are never a substitute for your direct 1:1 with Him. Draw the circle around your prayers and never stop! (Know your mom never will stop praying for you too).

I truly believe in Leviticus 3:23 that God blesses us with a new serving of mercy every single day.   Don’t be your mom whose hands are so full of stuff, calendar too full of deadlines, a heart too full of doubts, a brain too full of worries that she doesn’t open her hands, her heart, her soul every morning to take them in. Look at my life, Mary… a series of successes and failures. Do not follow my footsteps as we have discussed the many times the path was wrong, and often alone.   Pick YOUR path to be the BEST YOU and know that you will be loved and supported. Never be so busy or burdened to select your new daily serving of mercy.

I pray for or beautiful Mary Faith that you open your hands wide open for all the amazing opportunities to grasp in front of you.

I pray that you open your eyes and look UP and know that God is the only opinion that matters on your life and that those that love you will walk right beside you.

I pray that you open your ears to hear Him and those that love you and that our collective voices will drown all the negative ones (including your own) you have carried for too long.

I pray you open your mind and unleash all your amazing dreams boldly knowing they will happen.

God sure knew what I needed when He sent us you! Happy Birthday Mary Faith!

 

Taking a STEP into 2018

Over the past several years I have loved the New Year, as I choose a word to guide my year. It is a fresh start. A chance to put the previous year behind me. As I mentioned in my last blog, it has been a hard year medically, emotionally, and spiritually.   Every year, however, I often find myself year after year with regrets of all the things… NOT accomplished, NOT finished, NOT tried, etc.   I started choosing a word to encompass it all, so I would not focus on the things not done, the weight not lost, the goals not met, my perceived failures, etc. A word that could steer me daily not on specific things but as a theme for my year. A word to keep me heading in the right direction.

Over the last month I have kept a list of words that have jumped out at me. At words that made me thing “that’s a great word”. Within the last couple of weeks, I have narrowed it down to a few words that I have heard or have stood out repeatedly. The past two days, I have done just enough to get my family by. I normally create a huge to do list to accomplish on days off, and generally leave most things unchecked. These past two days, I gave myself grace and no list.   I have watched movies with Mary undistracted, listened to Sam’s storied and admired Sam’s creations, snuggled with my husband, and watched Hallmark movies.   An honestly, I do have some things I would have done differently last year as I reflected on the previous year; however, I choose not to stay in that rut of regret. As in my last blog, I choose to be courageous and put down the mask and cape. (oh… choose and courage would have been other great words). That was the first STEP….

STEP is my word for 2018. At the end of 2017, I was facing a difficult choice, and practiced my typical coping mechanism of procrastination. It was then I decided I developed a mantra to either STEP UP or STEP OUT. The project perceived bigger than I wanted to face, so I stalled. I resolved to step up and take the next step, only to find it wasn’t as bad as I thought, and the avoidance was worse than the step. It was one small step in the right direction. The phrase kept coming up and it drew me. I am infamous for looking at a huge project and it overwhelms me, so I do nothing until I can no longer avoid it. This principal of overwhelm and procrastination applies to so many areas of my life.

There are areas I need to STEP BACK and evaluate. Areas I need to be brave and STEP UP. Areas that I need to STEP OUT to spend my time more wisely. Every day I just need to take a STEP, a movement, (and some days that step may be just a tip-toe). Lately, I have even stunk at what I use to do best – my calendar.   I could look at it and feel like I had some handle on my life. Lately though, I think it has been avoidance and overwhelm of the big pictures going on in my life. The desire to do it all, to be it all, and to solve it all created avoidance. If I didn’t open the calendar, I didn’t have anything to do. I cleaned out over 10,000 emails yesterday, which built up in a short time because if I didn’t open the email, it didn’t exist.   If I don’t get on the scale, then, I can pretend that my weight is okay. If I don’t take my finger sticks, then, I can pretend my diabetes is in check (which proved to be my downfall a few months ago).   Procrastination led to bigger problems, and some could have been solved with little steps.

One of the areas I need to work on is my spiritual life. As I was seeking my “gut” to confirm my word, I re-listened to a sermon I remembered listening to by Kevin Queen during a series of Movement. He talked about how “Peter had no idea what would happen when he took that first step”. “Movement begins when you take a step.”   And then a quote on Facebook from CrossPoint church that states “Sometimes God wants us to take a step before He parts the water.” I will never know what problem God will part, if I don’t take the step. He wants me being active partner in my own life, and not just waiting for the answer. Even more, He wants to direct my steps for all the crazy little plans I make. He would love even more input into my plans. I make plan after plan without consulting God, who has a much better view of my big life. I need to take the STEP of faith out of the boat I keep rowing alone. I can make my plans, but I need to let the Lord determine my steps. (Proverbs 16:9).

My gracefulness in real life has always been in question – I have fallen down steps, fallen while taking steps on level ground, fallen taking steps uphill, and fallen taking steps downhill. I am sure as I take each step I risk the chance of falling. When I fall, as I have so many times before, I will get back up and take another STEP.

Here is to 2018… happening one baby step at a time….