It is truly amazing that some days I feel like I get nothing done and I am most exhausted at the end of the day. I took 2 small naps today and all I got done was run for a few groceries and took Mary to an appointment. But what was different today was an emotional exhaustion accumulation – the demand of my emotional support was more than the emotional supply I had available. It didn’t happen overnight – probably slowly over a few weeks and then in the last 5 days the drain open and my supply went down it…
Thursday, I took Mary to the cemetery to my mother’s grave for the first time. She has wanted to go for a long while and I finally just decided to take her – partly because I thought it was fitting as the next day would have been her birthday. Unlike my family and my in-laws I dread the cemetery. To them it is a sign of respect and to me it reminds me of her death and not her life. Everyday I live happy memories of my mom and that is how I prefer to remember her. Next to my mother is my great-nephew Caleb who died of SIDS and again it reminds me of death and not of his beautiful smiling face. But, it was important to Mary and I needed to honor that need.
Friday would have been mom’s birthday so I spent even more time than usual thinking of her. I had a very crazy day at work and was running late. Jim thankfully was home early and was able to get the kids, BUT Samuel does not do well with this change and I was STRESSED and emotionally exhausted thinking about it, but there was just no way I could physically get there in time. Then words I have heard lately haunted me about my priorities and the guilty feelings overcame me. All that emotional work-up led to A LOT of prayer and they were answered as Samuel did well the first time ever with his dad picking him up. By then my adrenaline had peaked and then you crash emotionally even though the outcome was okay.
Then on Saturday, Mary was in the Talent-O-Rama and that too was draining. Mary really doesn’t like Talent Shows but she loves to sing and therefore does them (although every year we debate about will she or won’t she – lol). That evening after sitting through the events, I came home and Jim said something to me that just struck a nerve so I did some major moving around of some things because I was a little ticked.
Sunday, Mary had a friend here and Jim needed the yard cleaned up to mow. I knew Mary’s reply and some days (most days) as a mom, I find it easier just to do it myself! So, I cleaned up the yard and then did the hour plus of push mowing because again, what person would want to mow when their friend was over to visit. He then went on a fire call and he came home with dirt on his face and I said something just to let him know and he made a remark and again a little tick was sent off in my head. Then Samuel was VERY upset that he couldn’t go home with Mary’s friend and mom – BIG MELTDOWN and explaining to him at times is difficult. I later find the note that I placed on FaceBook today that he wrote and laid outside his door “GOAWAYANDLEAVEMEALONE!” (note – Samuel doesn’t put spaces between letters but it was very clear the message and I have learned to read with the spaces being automatically placed by my brain. ) Mary and I decided he should make some of those signs for us. After all of that, I still had to work night-shift and everyone got to go to bed. Ending the day making me feel a little tense and angry and hurt – which led to a sleepless few hours with a tensed up back.
Today, Mary comes home after being stabbed in the back by various “friends” and it another BIG MELTDOWN. Nothing I could say or do could make the situation better. Nothing worse than the sting of betrayal by people you love (I can’t even imagine the sting Christ felt with Judas’ betrayal three times and He even knew it would happen). I can honestly say I cannot wait till school is done and we can separate the drama from our lives. In the summer, she will hang out with REAL friends and family activities.
Today was definitely a cumulative effect not necessarily on sleep deprivation but emotional deprivation. As a mom, I would prefer to take on the pains, disappointments, and betrayals of my children. It would be easier than not being able to do anything for them except talk and let them learn from them. But as a mom and a wife, I think my emotional supply had been already depleted! I also have been missing communication with some friends because life gets crazy busy sometimes. But not having that release valve of talking to someone who can give you advice or just be there to let you vent, causes the emotions to go down the drain even faster, depleting even faster. So my emotional supply down the drain plus the weight of my children’s emotional needs on the depleted supply = exhaustion. I told Mary I would love to make Samuel’s sign into an iron-on and put it on a t-shirt.
So after two naps, some heart felt communications, hugs, prayers, and talk of thinking of future solutions, my depleted system feels a little more built up. Writing helps to get it all out and build the supply. Tomorrow morning is a new day – a new month – going to start out with a fresh start. God promises new mercies everyday and instead of trying to build up my own supply – I am definitely going to focus on His promises of new mercies and to carry my burdens. I am going to enjoy some tea out of my favorite mug and PREPARE to build my emotional supply – so when the next demand happens (it always will) – I will be ready.
Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. (Lamentations 3:22-23)
Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. (Psalm 68:19 –NIV)