I think I need to write several different blogs tonight and post over the next few days… So much on my heart… definitely not in the mood I like to be in…. and even Jim noticed. I could dye my hair a different color and cut 5 inches off of it (recently happened and no reaction) – but let my mood be “off” and it is felt throughout the house. After almost 25 years together, he can tell something is wrong, but never knows what it is. Part of me thinks, how doesn’t he know and the other part says because I never say anything. Today, my blog could be PREPARE to cry… to be speechless… to hurt… to trust… So let the crying continue…
I need to trust people I love and who love me with my feelings and my needs. But it is too hard for me to take off my super hero cape that makes me feel like I can handle everything and deal with my issues/emotions without burdening anyone else. But today, I need to remove my cape to use as a hankie!! Seriously, I just want to look in the mirror and say “Get a Grip! Sheri” but it isn’t that easy.
I can’t even put my finger on what started the whole thing – but I do believe it is a cumulative effect! Cumulative effect of * needing to get more done than I did, * being overwhelmed with happiness, sadness, and fear all in one day, * having disappointment in situations and outcomes * wanting to fix everything and I can’t.
Many know how much I love to talk. I am a great talker and listener – I love to help friends by listening, giving support/advice, and helping them through these moments. I want them to come to me so I can help them. But, I rarely can communicate to others those same needs. I can’t trust them with my most vulnerable feelings and concerns. So why can’t I TRUST * they may not understand or may undermine my feelings * they may perceive me as weak * it may cause hard feelings * maybe I am wrong for how I think / feel and * it is admitting I don’t have it all together (that’s probably the big one). I don’t want to admit my weaknesses. I want people to believe that I have it all under control, that my super hero cape is always on, and that I can handle anything that comes my way.
TRUST – remember that exercise where a person stands behind you and you are suppose to fall backward and TRUST that they will catch you. I can’t do it… I feel * what if they don’t catch me – and then question was it intentional or accidental * what if they criticize how I fell * vulnerable – a loss of control. A line in a devotional I haven’t read for a while but was compelled to pick up today – I truly love the way the devotional is written (Jesus Calling: Seeking Peace in His Presence by Sarah Young). “I am taking care of you. Trust ME at all times. Trust ME in all circumstances. Trust ME with all your heart. When you are weary and everything seems to be going wrong, you can still utter these four words: “I trust You, Jesus.” By doing so, you release matters into My control, and you fall back into the security of My everlasting arms.”
But why isn’t it that simple… why can’t I just fall back and TRUST that Christ will catch me, that my husband will catch me, that my friends will catch me. And I will never know unless I take off my cape and PREPARE to FALL BACK!