So, this is my third attempt at a blog today… Was writing the first one and it just wasn’t what I needed to get off my chest. Started the second one and it was what I needed to get off my chest, but then spent the day with a friend. We just talked about daily life and I took my mind off all the crap that has been overtaking it. Work issues, school issue, teenage daughter issues, autistic son issues, insurance issues, and financial issues, etc.
And then on the way home I past Union Chapel and there is a sign in the yard that I have likely passed for weeks and read “Pray for Peace” and just assumed it was for Peace in the world – which is a worthy prayer. But then a song from church, likely I sang it in Union Chapel the first time since I grew up there – it is usually reserved for Christmas, but it hit me “Let there be peace on earth and let is begin with ME!!!” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPH4LRASWbo – Vince Gill singing). I have to prepare to let it begin with ME – peace! I am not going to have peace at work, in my home, in our environment if I don’t have peace with me!
Well, let’s just say, I will NEVER look at that sign the same way again. A simple black and white sign that today just spoke to me. This week has been emotionally and physically crazy starting with Sunday… A few things were said by people that just really made me step back and think to myself “God gives us the gifts, the burdens, the children, the problems, the blessings, etc.” we have because that is what HE knows we can handle. When I complain about any of that, it is like returning a gift or saying “God, that’s not enough, that’s too much, that’s not what I wanted”. A few of the comments was having a special needs child – guess what, Samuel has special needs and Mary has a different set of special needs (every child does) and in no where in my vocabulary will you hear me say “Why God” when it comes to my children. That is like saying “they are not good enough”. Prepare to let it begin with me – PEACE in knowing that God knew what children, what jobs, what spouse, everything I needed and He gave graciously (although at times I think He believes in me more than I believe in myself).
Then I have had some issues with work – some changes taken place. Because things didn’t necessarily go my way, I automatically question the system and policies. I think about how unfair it is when rules apply to one person and not to another. I think to myself “I always go above and beyond in work. I volunteer to move my schedule. I help with projects whenever needed. I…I…I…I…I…I (do you see the pattern”. So now I step back and have to say if I don’t have PEACE in me about work, I won’t find PEACE there. So guess what… I have resolved (it took the sign and brewing all week) that I have to be blessed to have a good job. I could easily think and brew and lower my higher standard to “just get by”, I could be stubborn and not compromise anymore and not do extra projects… but then I won’t have PEACE in me – let the PEACE begin in me!
Ongoing issues with Mary’s “friends” at school. They have gotten mean and it is a big topic of conversation in our home. I get very upset at what children are learning, how they treat their peers, the name calling, the swearing, etc.. But, I have a responsibility to our children that I will help them handle conflict at a higher standard. Not settle with the name calling. I have to teach them that they have to be okay with their decisions when they lay down to sleep. HOWEVER, I can’t teach them if I don’t have PEACE with ME on how I handle relationships. Do I avoid people at school, in public, at work? Do I talk about how I don’t like how they handle things? Then something has to change. PEACE with ME will extend into PEACE about relationships and our children will see by example (not just empty words).
Health Insurance continues to insist that Samuel’s autism is a mental health disorder and is refusing to cover any of his therapy, etc. needs related to his diagnosis. So, now I have to private pay for therapy until / if we can get him a State Medical Card. It infuriates me! I asked to meet with the people who make this decision – I want them to look at our son in the face and tell him and me that he is NOT worth the coverage. So, I can continue to dwell (and honestly have not completely let this go yet) or I can let it go, move forward, and fight the next battle for Medicaid. I already know that even with Medicaid I will have issues in regards to providers. So I have to find PEACE within ME so I can move forward to put the energy where it belongs – in the next battle and not in the ones I have lost!
School is an ongoing issue. I know that Samuel has made it through second grade with a lot of assistance and adaptations. But, I also know our son and what makes him tick. I know his spirit and how it thrives. I know his strengths/weaknesses. I know that public school is not for him. My heart and head has been leading me to make other choices for him, but I was worried about making the commitment. Mary’s school years have been complicated differently, but there continues to be issues. I try to rationalize that staying in public school is best, but my heart and head pulls differently. In my recent meeting regarding Mary and I heard “you have to do what is best for your children”. It was though PEACE was planted in my heart and head. The PEACE had to begin with me before I knew what decision to make. Decision made… big changes ahead…
There have been a few more “icing on the cake” things that have happened. They were out of my control to some extent, but that didn’t stop me from dwelling on them. Swirling them over in my head instead of problem solving and moving forward was the issue. I needed PEACE starting with me so I could take the problems and move beyond them.
Do I always have the solution to life – NO! Is life going to be fair – NO! When I lay down at night the best thing to have is PEACE – peace of mind, peace in knowing I did what was best in the situation – I was a good mom, a good friend, a good worker, etc.. I need to have PEACE in knowing that God has my back! He has a beautiful plan for my life – I just need to keep my mouth shut about complaining of what He gives and my perception of it and replace it with PRAISE – it has to begin with me!!!
My new daily prayer will be that sign – PRAY FOR PEACE and let it begin with ME!!!
“Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.”
“When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others.” – Peace Pilgrim