prepare for a CONVERSATION

 Yes, I have heard those words before but NEVER thought I would hear them again! 

Yes, Lord, I promised I would change if you got me through it.  And I did! (He whispers back to me).  I know Lord, I only changed for a little while.  I am so sorry about that.  I didn’t mean to go back on my promises.  I really did plan to change forever.  But you see Lord, life got really busy. It’s hard being a mom of two children with very unique needs. It’s hard being a wife to a husband who may leave for a fire and never return.  It’s hard working and juggling jobs outside the home.  I didn’t mean to go back to the old ways.  It just happened.   (He whispers back to my soul).  I answer, I know you said it wouldn’t be easy – I have to pick up the cross and follow YOU!  You have to be the priority and everything else will fall into place. (HE whispers again).   I know you promised to carry my burdens if I give them to You.  But letting go is so hard Lord. Letting go is so HARD! 

 But, YOU promised to NOT give us anything I can’t handle.  You wrote that in your Word, Your letter to me!  And right now I definitely think you are giving me more than I can handle!  More than I want to handle! More than I should have to handle!  Are You trying to prove YOUR strength or MY strength?!?! (He whispers).   I know You also wrote when I am weak YOU are strong.  I know You wrote that You will renew my strength.  I am just telling you, this is TOO HEAVY!!!  I need Your hand under me to with hold me.  I need Your angels camped around me!  I need the wings of the eagles soaring below me.  I NEED YOUR STRENGTH!

So now what?  I feel kicked and broke down.  (He whispers).  (scripture about broken but not destroyed).  The thoughts won’t stop going through my mind.  Where do I start? What can I do?  Why am I going through this?  I just don’t understand!  Remember, I have a family, I have obligations!  (He whispers).  I know you know every hair on my head, Lord.  I know You know me – really know me!  You even know my heart Lord.  You know every word before I say them.  You also know my deepest secrets, my faults, my insecurities, my pain, my needs.  You even know my sins that I have not laid before and You wait for me to name them, so you can forgive and forget them!  I am sorry Lord, sorry for everything!  Sorry I didn’t stay changed! Sorry I didn’t do more! Sorry I didn’t say more! I am so sorry!!! There is nothing else I can say, but I am so sorry!

 I know I have to leave it at your feet, Lord.  I know I have to TRUST YOU!  I know that You have plans for me, but can you reveal them.  This is NOT the plans I had in mind! I know Your thoughts are NOT my thoughts.  If they were, again, I would not have heard those words!  I believe every day is a new day and You give me new mercies every day, but this didn’t go away overnight… the fear – it grew!  I need a new mercy!  I need You to crawl into my heart and say, “I promise my child it will be okay.”   I need to feel You carry me!  I remember as a child my earthly father would carry me on his back when I got too tired.  Heavenly Father, please carry me.. this is too heavy, I am too tired!  I know that means I have to let it go and let it be Yours – I have to fully surrender everything!  Lord, I need peace… I need hope…  (He whispers). 

 Lord, You have my attention, please continue to speak to me. I am sorry it took this to get my attention, but know that I hear YOU. And I know that You hear me.  Lord I just ask, that You now carry me… I can’t do this on my own!

 (this was my conversation with God this morning!  I know it is not like my other blogs, but I just typed out my thoughts to Him and I could hear His replies where I indicate.  But shame on ME for always waiting till I am in “this place” to pause to hear Him…  But how I wish I wasn’t in “this place”.  Starting this blog has definately been life-changing / soul-changing for me).


3 thoughts on “prepare for a CONVERSATION

  1. Julie Umbel May 24, 2012 at 10:26 am Reply

    What a powerful prayer!!

  2. Renee May 26, 2012 at 12:32 pm Reply

    Awesome prayer, Sheri! Another ‘bestie’!

  3. Tricia Uphold June 5, 2012 at 12:48 pm Reply

    I believe this is my favorite. Really resignated within me!

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