Yes, I have heard those words before but NEVER thought I would hear them again!
Yes, Lord, I promised I would change if you got me through it. And I did! (He whispers back to me). I know Lord, I only changed for a little while. I am so sorry about that. I didn’t mean to go back on my promises. I really did plan to change forever. But you see Lord, life got really busy. It’s hard being a mom of two children with very unique needs. It’s hard being a wife to a husband who may leave for a fire and never return. It’s hard working and juggling jobs outside the home. I didn’t mean to go back to the old ways. It just happened. (He whispers back to my soul). I answer, I know you said it wouldn’t be easy – I have to pick up the cross and follow YOU! You have to be the priority and everything else will fall into place. (HE whispers again). I know you promised to carry my burdens if I give them to You. But letting go is so hard Lord. Letting go is so HARD!
But, YOU promised to NOT give us anything I can’t handle. You wrote that in your Word, Your letter to me! And right now I definitely think you are giving me more than I can handle! More than I want to handle! More than I should have to handle! Are You trying to prove YOUR strength or MY strength?!?! (He whispers). I know You also wrote when I am weak YOU are strong. I know You wrote that You will renew my strength. I am just telling you, this is TOO HEAVY!!! I need Your hand under me to with hold me. I need Your angels camped around me! I need the wings of the eagles soaring below me. I NEED YOUR STRENGTH!
So now what? I feel kicked and broke down. (He whispers). (scripture about broken but not destroyed). The thoughts won’t stop going through my mind. Where do I start? What can I do? Why am I going through this? I just don’t understand! Remember, I have a family, I have obligations! (He whispers). I know you know every hair on my head, Lord. I know You know me – really know me! You even know my heart Lord. You know every word before I say them. You also know my deepest secrets, my faults, my insecurities, my pain, my needs. You even know my sins that I have not laid before and You wait for me to name them, so you can forgive and forget them! I am sorry Lord, sorry for everything! Sorry I didn’t stay changed! Sorry I didn’t do more! Sorry I didn’t say more! I am so sorry!!! There is nothing else I can say, but I am so sorry!
I know I have to leave it at your feet, Lord. I know I have to TRUST YOU! I know that You have plans for me, but can you reveal them. This is NOT the plans I had in mind! I know Your thoughts are NOT my thoughts. If they were, again, I would not have heard those words! I believe every day is a new day and You give me new mercies every day, but this didn’t go away overnight… the fear – it grew! I need a new mercy! I need You to crawl into my heart and say, “I promise my child it will be okay.” I need to feel You carry me! I remember as a child my earthly father would carry me on his back when I got too tired. Heavenly Father, please carry me.. this is too heavy, I am too tired! I know that means I have to let it go and let it be Yours – I have to fully surrender everything! Lord, I need peace… I need hope… (He whispers).
Lord, You have my attention, please continue to speak to me. I am sorry it took this to get my attention, but know that I hear YOU. And I know that You hear me. Lord I just ask, that You now carry me… I can’t do this on my own!
(this was my conversation with God this morning! I know it is not like my other blogs, but I just typed out my thoughts to Him and I could hear His replies where I indicate. But shame on ME for always waiting till I am in “this place” to pause to hear Him… But how I wish I wasn’t in “this place”. Starting this blog has definately been life-changing / soul-changing for me).