As a result of a whole day off, I had plenty of time for a meaningful conversation with myself and yes that can be dangerous. Just on Sunday a few things had been said to me that really resonated – did they hurt at the time – absolutely. But sometimes you need a person’s external assessment to check your internal assessment. However, even worse in some ways than the words said, are the words NOT said.
It is so like me always seeking the approval from outside sources. But when was the last time I had internal approval for myself? Cannot recollect a time. I always feel like it is never enough and then people say things that confirm that weak spot. Sometimes the words people say will fuel a little anger in me and then fuel the “I’ll prove them wrong” and get it done. But that is not the right fueling… I should get it done for ME and not to prove anyone wrong. But ME gets put on the back burner and though I love to blame people, things, and time for that, it is because I haven’t had the internal approval to say it is okay. I haven’t made the time. I have over committed myself that there is NO time for me. And then I tell myself the over commitment is for the kids or family and justify the no ME time. What have I done for me?? What truly drives me?
I am also guilty about having the internal dialogue and squelching what it says. I guess better described as going “against my gut”. I recently did this to help some people out. I had a feeling that I would likely get the short straw but decided to proceed with adjusting my plans to accommodate others. Next time, my internal assessment needs a megaphone and I hope it also has a good memory so I can pull from it so I know to say NO next time.
This week I read on Facebook a post by someone and I so wanted to reply that I could use the help to get my health in order. But the internal conversation was that I can do it on my own. I don’t need any help. That is true in some ways. I am strong enough to accomplish anything. But just maybe an external voice to dive my internal voice would not be a bad thing… Something I definitely have to consider.
I had a phone call with the CyberSchool today and we are just steps away from everything being finalized. I am excited to be more involved in their education and knowing that the children are okay. But, it is also going to be a BIG sacrifice and change in what we currently know as routine. Stephanie (the representative) at the end said do you have paper and pen as I am going to give you a lot of information. I quickly took notes. My internal dialogue was you know you are doing this for the right reasons and because it is for the kids I will be just fine. Now, at the same time I contemplate getting my master’s degree and the internal assessment is you don’t have time for that and what do you need that for and think of how much time it will take, etc… As a mom, why is it that my internal conversation is at peace when it comes to the kids but cannot be at peace for things about myself?
I do occasionally have the right dialogue or so it seems. I recently contemplated making a permanent schedule change. In my head I had it all figured out on how much it would change things. But I was very specific in what I wanted/needed. But my internal dialogue doesn’t necessarily line up with what the others wanted/needed apparently and the topic was dropped. There would have been a day I would have conceded and did what was best for them. This time I am looking out more for me but now my internal dialogue is wondering if I should have looked out for me. Sometimes I just want to tell my internal voice to SHUT UP!
Vacation is just around the corner. I sat at vacation with Big plans to change things. Change things about me… I wanted to loose weight, run on the beach, wear a smaller bathing suit. I have lost some weight and will be wearing a bathing suit 2 sizes smaller; however, because of my internal dialogue throughout the year, I did not get to where I want to be and definitely will not be running. What was my internal dialogue that prevented me? Things like: I don’t have the time. I have to work. I need to do this instead.
Who knew talking to yourself could be so beneficial – lol! I look at other people who are succeeding at their dreams and think what makes them different? What makes them have it all together when my life seems so not together? It is the internal dialogue. It is the waking every morning and saying I am worth this change. It is listening to the still voice in your gut that points you in the right direction. It is in knowing that when you have a good internal dialogue, you take care of yourself. And when you take care of yourself, everything else falls into place. It is not letting your excuses quiet the internal dialogue. It is listening quietly as the Lord whispers His direction and assurance I am not alone. I have to PREPARE TO TALK TO MYSELF — and say “Sheri, there is nothing you can’t do!” and truly believing it…