Say it isn’t so… I have allowed a week to pass without a blog! Unfortunately it is NOT because I have nothing to write about, rather, not taking that time for something I enjoy doing. One of my biggest lesson has been prepare to WAIT. I must admit that is not one of my specialties. I like immediate responses and replies to many things – for instance, test results from the doctor, healing when I am sick, responses to emails/letters with questions, etc.. I guess it is probably because the replies directly affect my life. Also, because it is all about not knowing and not be in control, neither of these do I like!!! However, I don’t mind waiting in traffic, at doctor’s offices, meetings, etc. The impact of these events to me is not as great, and I have learned to take little projects with me to pass the time.
I don’t remember all the meetings I have waited to start, but remember (in no particular order) * watching for my mother’s last breath * the weeks between an infertility treatment and the pregnancy tests (always to be devastated) * results of my Nursing Boards * result of the Echocardiogram when I was pregnant with Sam * the pregnancies of our children and the time between visits because of the risks * Grandma Frazee to com off the ventilator * Jim to come home after the Nemacolin Ski Lodge fire and the Mill Run church fire * our children coming home after the first day of Kindergarten * the appointment and biopsy after an abnormal mammogram when it was believed to be stage III breast cancer * to walk down the aisle on our wedding day * for the ambulance to arrive when I wrecked with Mary in the back seat and I was trapped and could not reach her * having kidney stones in Sarasota, FL and wanting to just see Jim * results if I had a stroke * return of normal vision last February, etc. You would think those were all things to prepare me to know that God was in control and I could NOT change any of the outcomes…
I prepare to wait again in several things and it is the hardest place to be in. It is the unknown that stops me. I had gone in for my routine annual girl exam what seems like an eternity ago, which I love my physician as I credit God giving her the knowledge to save both of our children’s lives before they ever made an entrance into the world. But this visit over a month ago suddenly became different! She was concerned for some things I described – which I attributed to getting older but her radar went an entirely different direction. And every test we would pray to be abnormal because it would eliminate her suspicion… I waited for lab results and they were okay (but I didn’t want it to be okay, I wanted my hormones to be crazy to explain away her fear)… I waited for ultrasound results and they were okay (but I didn’t want it to be okay, I wanted a cyst or fibroid to show up to explain away her fear)… and now I wait for biopsy results and pray that it to is okay to explain away her fear. I don’t like the waiting seat, I feel like a child on Christmas morning, praying that the gift (biopsy report) will be the present I want (negative of her fear).
Either way, though, this waiting experience needs to be the gift! It needs to be the gift of a reminder that * nothing in life is guaranteed – I can only be sure of the moment I am in * I need to take better care of myself (I can hear may friends and family cheering on that one) * knowing your body and paying attention to differences is key (as early detection of cancer or any other disease is crucial) * my priorities in every aspect of my life needs to be in order (spiritual, relationships, etc) * I am not in control but God is, so I better have open communication * life needs to be filled with memories and not regrets * the people that matter most to me need to hear it and feel it in my every action and spoken word * simplify to make room on my calendar and in my home for what really matters * defeat is not an option!
I need to learn, that just as I fill my wait time at doctors appointments and meetings with constructive things, I must fill my daily life with things that matter. Instead of waiting and worrying about something I have no control over, I need to focus on the things I do. Pray more, read scripture more, listen more, love more, enjoy family more, take care of me more. I haven’t talked to many about the possibility of what lies ahead 1. because didn’t want Mary to stress and 2. there is nothing worse than a bunch of people worrying (but there is also NOTHING more powerful than a bunch of people praying).
So here is to my gift….a time to reflect… a time to remind me of what is important. Results will be back in two more weeks, BUT NO MATTER WHAT is inside – the results were chosen by loving Heavenly Father and He has this under control!!!
Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary. Isaiah 40:31 (New Am Standard Bible)