I need to write… clear my head… devise a plan… examine life… move forward… That is where I am today. A jumbled mess in my head! Amazing news and answered prayer this week that the preliminary biopsy was negative, and though we have to wait for final pathology, we anticipate that too to be an answer to prayer. For over a month and a half the words that cancer was highly suspected are not words you want to carry with you everyday. But, some people “suspected” changes to you do have cancer. I was a cancer nurse for the first part of my nursing career and I can still see the faces of those hearing that word. About 8 years ago, my mammogram showed what appeared to be Stage 3 Breast Cancer and I still remember that pit in my gut the day I heard. We had started talking treatment if the biopsy returned positive as well. Praise the Lord, the biopsy then too was negative. I wrote a blog this time the day after hearing it may be cancer about prepare for a Conversation. It was my heartfelt prayer to God. I did make many promises then that I would be different as a result of knowing I could have cancer. I made deals with God that I haven’t fulfilled. Thankfully, I serve a loving and faithful heavenly Father who loves me in spite of my broken promises and forgives me by me simply asking. He, however, chose to waken me again with this additional possibility of cancer. A wake up call I didn’t want, but truly need in my life.
Today I read a blog about living out God’s dreams for you. Discovering who you are! Becoming the real me! http://www.roomag.com/becoming-the-real-me/
It was a very hard read and stepped on every one of my toes. I am (in no particular order): a wife, a mother, an employee/nurse, child-of-God, sister, friend, and daughter just to name a few. But, I can tell you on most days, I feel inadequate at most of them. But the biggest inadequacy is in ME – the REAL ME! It isn’t just in the promises I broke to God, it is in the promises I have broken to myself! The feeling like it is never enough and at the end of every day never having anything left for ME! It is allowing people’s actions or words to hurt me and I brush them under the rug and walk away defeated, instead of saying that hurt or it is not okay to say that. Allowing other people, even the ones I love, to criticize me or not step up to plate to meet my needs. It is ME not communicating what I need in life, but I don’t even know what that is some days. I have become lost in all my roles that most days the “ME” doesn’t exist. It didn’t happen overnight, I believe I probably have always allowed everyone to not make me the priority, including myself and I usually make me “last place”. I am the “pleaser” when it comes to family, friends, work, etc.. Whatever they need is my command… but what about ME?
If my husband or children said they needed something, it is instantly done. If I need something I either don’t communicate it, or communicate the need but if not done I do it myself, or go without! I have placed myself in the position to be the solution to everyone else’s needs and happiness. If one of my children wants something at town – done! If one of my children wants to eat at a particular restaurant – done! If my children when to join a particular activity – done! If my husband needs something – done! If I want/need something, it will wait… I feel like the fairy godmother with a magic wand and using all my magic on everyone else and I am left in the “rags”. I don’t even place myself in the equation anymore. Kid’s Happiness + Husband’s happiness = their happiness. Somewhere along the line I have let that equation be MY PROBLEM to solve.
The health symptoms that brought me to my possible cancer diagnosis are still there – many of the risk factors are still there – and though it’s not cancer based on preliminary biopsy, it is still a wake up call. I have to take care of the temple God gave me. That means mentally, physically, and emotionally. If I were to have a report card with those topics, they would all be Fs! How do I find me? I am not sure anymore, but I am sure that the way I have been approaching life is not the answer. The days of waking up and trudging forward through the day without a dream in sight are not working. The nights of little sleep to meet the needs of my family is not working, especially since I am part of the family, and it isn’t working for me. The days of being overwhelmed and not even acknowledging it, or worse, recognizing it, need to end.
I need to prepare to DISCOVER ME. I wanted to say re-discover me, but I think the last real dreams I had were 1. to be a nurse (done) 2. to be married (done) 3. to have children (done). I think that is where my dreams left off, not that they were not great dreams and so blessed for having them come true, but why did I let them end there? God has great plans for ME! He said so in the Bible, His love letters to ME. However, I don’t recall it says “Sheri, just sit around and wait for them to happen.” In fact, it says I need to look wholeheartedly (not while multi-tasking and taking care of everyone else). I think He wants me live life, discover his plans, and discover ME! He knows who I am and is just waiting to share it with ME. Unfortunately, I have been so busy taking on everyone else’s life and happiness and not let His plans seep into my life. It just dawned on me, He is responsible for my children’s and my husband’s plans, and all I have done is try to take over and get in the way. I need to teach my children to discover who they are too, by example (as I learn to discover ME), and by teaching them to be open to the plans God has for their lives too.
I do know there is a list (I love lists) of things that daily block me! I truly believe that I have to face these head on – stop allowing people, things and procrastination to block ME from living the life I was meant to live. I really wonder what HIS plans are for ME!?!?! I bet they are amazing, inspiring, and breath taking! All I have done is live in my little box of daily routine instead of opening up to HIS plans and to HIS blessings.
Everyday I awaken from the bed is a gift from God. Instead of stacking the gift in the corner, and adding to the clutter (lol), I need to rip open the gift of a new day, like a child on Christmas morning, and go forward with His new mercies. I have to stop looking at the unopened gifts and dream and desires. Every day is a chance to DISCOVER ME and the plans He has for me – the gift is mine, I just have to open it…
For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. Jeremiah 29:11-13 (New Living Translation)