I am thinking if I just start writing it will all fall into place. Lesson for the week, maybe even month, year, or century is that I can’t always be prepared – so I guess that would be prepare to be UNPREPARED. I really pride myself on my motto of “expect nothing and you will never be disappointed”. However, this week I was tested because I didn’t think I expected anything but was extremely disappointed, hurt, frustrated, and feeling disrespected. And then the vicious cycle began of then questioning whether all my emotions were valid and then was mad at myself for letting the emotions consume me. The problem is because I rarely get hurt or allow myself to be disappointed, I don’t know what to do with the emotions. I do know that it was all I could think about. If that wasn’t enough, I then started digging up all the other little things said and done recently and it definitely had the snowball effect. The problem gets bigger and bigger because I take the initial BIG hurt and roll it down the hill through all the little insults and it builds momentum and size. Then, as it gets bigger I think to myself everything I want to say knowing that I will never be able to get the words out. If they do come out, I probably will cry and then be mad at myself for letting my emotions control me.
I am also learning that once hurt and your heart is out there, everything that anyone does is felt. I feel like I am carrying around a magnifying glass and things that people do that once would have been “oh, they must just gotten busy” has gone to “I can’t believe that they didn’t call/text”. I resolve I will never be the first one to reach out again. If someone wants me they can contact me. I can become an island and if I am important enough to someone they can get in their boat to find me instead of me always looking out for them!
The love chapter of the bible, I Corinthians 13, keeps going through my head. I at first think I am not doing so great at it. I believe this isn’t just talking marriage but friendships, family love, etc.
I Corinthians 13 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
And then I become cynical in feeling like I am always living the love chapter and if others did too then I would have nothing to keep a record of wrong from. But I have to be responsible for MY emotions and actions regarding love. I am not doing so great in the envy area. I guess I could argue the easily angered because it does take A LOT to anger me, but I am still angry.
I know some really amazing people who hold marriages together and friendships together despite the other person breaking all the “love rules”. When I think about them I think It is usually when people are self-seeking and not thinking of “what would this do to my marriage or friendship?” It’s all about them. I think it is probably a little more transparent for me now as I am trying to focus on ME and MY needs. I am realizing that I am often not honored and it stings to be unprepared for my emotions. I am sure that when others were hurt, they felt unprepared. After all, how can you prepare yourself to be hurt? If you choose to love, you choose the chance of being hurt.
On tests at school, I never chose the answer with “always” because always/all the time just doesn’t exist. But, it is clear in the love chapter Christ thinks otherwise as he says love ALWAYS protects and trusts. I think of people enduring unfaithful friends and spouses and I can’t imagine having to re-build the trust. However, I do believe that when I/people truly love there is HOPE that tomorrow is a new day and will be better and the hurt will fade. The biggest always for me in this verse is PERSEVERES. No matter what was said, done, heard, etc… a true love perseveres. It is the worse, the poorer, sickness, unfaithfulness, cruel words, etc. It is probably what keeps people in abuse relationships with the other person – the hope that they will change and the persevering regardless of the pain. I do believe that God can do some amazing healing to broken hearts and relationships. But, I also believe that people have to have communication to make it happen.
Communication comes in all forms – mine is currently in the silence / body language mode – not working so great. While I brew over the issue(s) with people it is just building up into a big knot in my heart and gut! My head is ready to explode from holding back the tears. My mind is racing on when / what I should say. It has been a very reflective time for me – good and bad. Realizing that I deserve to be honored BUT have to communication how I define honor. I am going to soon have to put away the magnifying glass and go off my self-absorbed island and face the issues head on. For love… it ALWAYS PERSEVERES.