prepare for NEW THINKING

Another week has come and gone … a list of things not completed. But after almost 20 years of marriage, we bought a car together…. I mean truly together…. I had a Chevy cavalier that was wrecked, and we picked out a jeep liberty. It definitely was more my car than his… It died and we got my used envoy. I thought I wanted a bigger vehicle to haul children and friends. (More on that in a minute). We’ll little things kept happening with it and I wasn’t feeling so comfortable running it with the kids.  Jim had just bought a new red truck 6weeks ago because his old faithful truck was on borrowed time.  Jim has always gone with me to buy my vehicles and I have never gone with him. I am good with that though…. It is HIS truck to get him everywhere.  Anyway, I got a call to come to the dealership to “look”… I knew I would walk away with something new.  So I cleaned out my envoy. Keep in mind we live in the envoy… So cleaning it out was not easy….I was amazed of everything in there.  Stuff just in case we needed it… The story of my life… (More on that in a bit).  So, I pull in and we walk out with a new dodge charger.   I would not have bought that car for me had Jim not been with me… Most likely because I would have felt like I wasn’t worth the money, I should get something bigger (just in case), and winter is just around the corner….

So my irrational thinking… Why do I always feel like I am not worth it? Often I feel like I should sacrifice everything so our children and family can have it all.  Have they ever asked me to do this for them? Absolutely not.  I am worth a comfortable car, time with friends, time for myself, etc.  And no one has ever told me differently. I think as a mom I felt it my responsibility to give up everything for them… I use to mumble to myself on airplanes about putting the oxygen on me first before my kids. It makes sense but would be hard to do.  I know some really amazing women who also do not believe that they are worth it.  I think often there is a far right and far left… One group believes they are worth everything and sacrifice nothing… And then my category of sacrificing everything.  I am really working on that… I believe there is a happy middle and that is where I want to be. I have been making time for me and knowing it will make me a better wife and mom…. Prepare for a new thinking….

Next problem realized when cleaning out my car – Living in the “what if”…. In my envoy in the back seat I removed winter coats, gloves, new shoes, old shoes, snacks, water, and the list continues… I always said I could get stuck in my car and could live there.  I mean what if… I broke down or we got snow in the middle of summer or I got hungry.  I mean would I really pull off the road and climb to my third row of seats to look for a snack? No… I would hit the next drive thru which explains all the happy meal toys found too!  My house is like that too… Ask my sister in law…. I have things just in case….  Well, time to prepare for a new thinking….

Another lesson from the envoy…. when we picked it out, I planned for a future… I had assumed I would need a car with enough room for my two children plus two friends plus parents.  Well, I can count on one hand the times more than 5 rode in my envoy. Mary will have friends but only one, and Sam doesn’t have friends to haul around.  There is no more hauling to dance… No sports in our lives.  (Note to self write blog about this).  So many times I plan for the future and miss the present. When I think of all the things I planned for and assumed life would work out that way, it is sad of all the time and energy wasted on the future that never became reality. If I want something to be in my future I better consider deeply and take steps to make it happen! And let go of the things that I can’t control. I need to live more in the moment and not in the future (and even worse the past)…  Prepare for new thinking…

Another lesson… The awesome feeling of making a truly mutual decision. I am sure I am not alone in hearing any/all of the following. Dad said to ask you… Or it’s up to you… It doesn’t matter to me…. Whatever you want to do…. That will be fine… In marriage and in parenthood, often the decision comes down to one person – in my house Mom/me.  As a result I feel it is up to me to make whatever needs to happen (which probably also goes back to over sacrificing) – everyday things like meals, money, etc…With this purchase, I felt like everything changed… Maybe it is the newness of the purchase but not letting it get away that easily…. As a family we decided on the car, discussed what it would mean financially, and agreed…. prepare for new thinking…

All this from a new car purchase…  Well for the first time in 20 years of marriage (with the exception of my double vision), Jim and I have driven to work together, intentionally!  I love getting dropped off at the door and picked back up. I love the time to talk about life, adult conversation.  I love being able to reach over and hold hands.  Not to mention the benefit of saving lots of gas money (to help pay for the car – lol!)  It truly is OUR car and that feeling is priceless.  It is never too late for a new thinking!!!

P.s. in regards to winter… We have a mutually made plan worked out…

 

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