There are times, like the past few weeks, when life just seems to be consuming. In fact, I remember the very moment it slapped me in the face – Jim and I were on our little trip and on Sunday, he got out of class later than expected, I had to work when the original plan was to have off, had to work the next morning too, homeschool preparation was delayed with the trip, etc.. Yep – that was the moment reality struck, because though I could escape for a few days, reality check always comes back. There are not enough hours in the day. Everything is piling up and nothing is getting done about it. I haven’t had enough sleep which only creates a magnifying glass for problems. Everything is worse without sleep. I feel like the dog “Dug” on the movie Up where I am in mid-sentence and say “squirrel”. Multi-tasking is failing me. I can’t focus to even get my to do list written let alone completed. If I wrote the list I don’t which would be the #1, #2, #3 things on my list. I would likely loose my list because unlike my usual knack for knowing where something is if I touch it, that is not the case. Last night, I thought about trying to do a list of things I am grateful for, and though they should be rolling off my tongue / out my fingers to the keyboard, I find myself speechless…
Now Samuel has the toothache. This is a HUGE deal! I am the only one to ever take him to the dentist and I just know how HUGE this is. He gets hysterical as they overwhelm every sense – touch, taste, sound, sight, and smell. It absolutely breaks my heart that he is in pain… that he has to go to the dentist… that he has so much going on his mind that he can’t say about the pain (except to cry and scream off and on) and knowing he has to go to the dentist. He told me he knows he needs to go but he is so scared. I call today and told initially they can’t see him till November! Thankfully Kim called me back knowing Sam’s issues and we go on Friday.
Then there was some other unexpected news today that made me kick my mind into overdrive. My mind wonders to the worst case scenario and the impact it will have on some very important lives! I also think about the fact I haven’t heard from my mammogram and those results may change my life too (we walked down that road in 2006 with my first mammogram).
In the midst of this homeschooling/cyberschooling continues and I think about how I thought it would be. That I would have it all together and it would be smooth sailing. They both have adjusted very well to the flexible learning schedule. It is me that’s the problem. I am not sure I am as organized as I should be. I have a vision of all the neat things I want to do with them. But the dreams in my mind have not yet conformed to paper, materials, action, etc… I beat myself up, try to regroup, and know in my heart we still made the right/best decision for our kids.
Isn’t it always when everything else seems to be falling apart that everything else looks worse.. even the stupid little things like too much laundry, dishes, the temperature outside, the temperature inside, the dust, the vacuuming, the daily chores, the bills to pay… It can become a downward spiral very quickly. I need to prepare to have an eye exam so they can focus on the blessings… so here is goes….
Instead of being speechless.. I need to focus my eyes and examine the blessings in every moment, even if it seems hopeless..
- chance to get away for the weekend with my amazing husband
- two beautiful and unique children despite being told we never would
- very incredible son with special quirks that helps us look at life differently
- incredible daughter that can keep herself organized with school when I can’t
- God answering prayers even in the small things if we just ask
- my reality in comparison to others is a wonderful life
- house to live in that needs cleaned
- clothes for our bodies that need washed/put away
- dirty dishes in the sink because that means we have food to eat
- food to eat that makes dirty dishes
- crazy lovable dog even though her shedding makes vacuuming essential
- our new furnace / heat pump to adjust to the temperatures outside
- house for shelter from the cold and not a cardboard box on the streets
- bills to pay because that means he has provided luxuries for us
- news that makes you refocus your priorities
- unexpected news that gives you a second chance before its too late
- option to home/cyber school kids who didn’t fit into the public school system
- children being able to adapt to new learning opportunities
- modern technology that can test for cancer and catch it early
- great jobs that allow me to be a mom first
- facebook to put requests for prayers out there
- facebook friends who will pray for you when you ask
- my kindle so I can download books I need to learn about quickly
- amazon and being a prime member to get things quickly that I need
- family that I can call and ask for favors when my schedule changes
- being able to be back in church next Sunday as a family
- hope when I am at the end of my rope as God always holds the other end
- faith that God is bigger than any problem I could ever encounter
- forgiveness granted to me and forgiveness that I can grant to others
That is a much better way to look at life than my downward spiral…
Gratitude is an art of painting an adversity into a lovely picture. ~Kak Sri
Gratitude is an opener of locked-up blessings. ~Marianne Williamson