prepare to HAND IT OVER

I have so wanted to write… but my heart needed to silent, I guess.  I just needed to think, but thinking to be dangerous.  Sometimes I have a bad habit of looking at a BIG picture instead of the little strokes (actions) that creates the picture.  I am sure if Michelangelo would have only thought of the big picture of the Sistine Chapel ceiling, he may never taken the four years to complete it.  Instead, I am sure he thought I have the big picture, but I can make all these small strokes to create it.  Well, for some reason (probably a hormone imbalance) I really could just sit and cry, and not a little cry, but a “big baby sobbing” cry.  The sad/scary thing is I can’t think of one thing that makes me feel this way, so it must be the big picture. 

I am starting a woman’s Bible Study at our church, not that I necessarily feel qualified, but definitely feel led.  I am thinking Christ used ordinary men to be his disciples.  I am an ordinary woman with a heart being tugged consistently by Christ to do this!  I debated what I should do the study on and this week, I knew – UNGLUED by Lysa Terkeurst.  That is so how I feel on many days – UNGLUED.  Like a bunch of little broken pieces needed glued back together.  My reactions can be unglued.  My emotions can be unglued.  My feelings can be unglued.  Reality can become unglued. 

So much has happen in the past week.  A wife/mother/leader lost her job and left me speechless.  My heart breaks for her loss, for my loss, for her uncertainty, for my uncertainty.  I saw the empty office and it was like a kick in the gut and I still think about it.  That could be me – I could loose a job.  That is many who have lost jobs.  It takes a piece of who you are and leaves you broken – unglued!  So what do I have to do, pick up the pieces of the loss and move forward.  It is really the only direction to go – forward. But, I can also offer to help pick up their pieces too, by reaching out my hand to those hurt and also to help others move forward…

Homeschooling has been a blessing to experience the “lightbulb” moments when our children get things.  However, it isn’t easy.  Sam mentioned last week he missed school and I felt that same kick in the gut as I felt hearing the loss of a job.  Was I not enough? What was he missing?  So I asked, to discover, it wasn’t the classroom setting but the recess, the lunch, and gym.  But in the next breath, a second kick, when he said except for not being able to swing because some kids laughed because he couldn’t, except for the times people dumped my lunch and I didn’t want them to, and except for the times I couldn’t keep up in gym with everyone else.  It was then I knew – right decision to homeschool, but also, must look at a solution for his loss.  So, Sam and I talked about what he wanted to be different, and I have some other ideas on the horizon too.  Mary and I have also had some indepth emotional conversations.  Those are tough, because I never say the right things at the right time.  I have a habit of saying “I understand” and even worse offer suggestions on how to make things better.  What am I thinking?  I am a mom, I do not know anything, do no understand anything, and have never been in that situation.  So I try to be silent, but that is also the wrong answer!  As a mom, I continually try to pick up the pieces of our children that have come unglued.  Sometimes I can help put them together, and other times, I just need to learn to hold them close until they are ready to put them together themselves… (and at times a paid professional is the answer – lol).

I have an awesome husband and I am sure you are tired of hearing that in the blogs – lol.  But, as a wife, sometimes I feel like I have to pick up all his pieces too.  However, I really do feel like I fall short often and let the pieces just lay on the ground.  I know there are things that irritate him, and things he would change if he could.  But, I don’t ask, because I don’t want to hear the answers.  I don’t like that about me.  But, I don’t know if I can handle the answer the way I want to.  There would have been a day I could have handled the truth, and now, I think I would cry or worse just become angry.  I secretly know the answers but still leave the pieces lay there.

Well then there is ME.  So many times I am juggling everyone else’s pieces that I have no room to take care of mine.  I read over and over again how you have to wear your own oxygen mask first on a plane before you can help someone else.  That if you take care of you, you will take better care of your family.  I have heard it – I believe it… BUT, I have somewhere along the line swept all my pieces under the rug. But I have learned in the past week, from another’s experience, that sweeping pieces under a rug will eventually be discovered.  The cumulative small pieces can build into a big mess… 

So, where do I go from here – I let Christ see my every tear I have shed or want to shed as silent prayers.  I take the pieces of my life and lay them gently at his feet and watch in amazement as He puts them all back together.  I can leave the pieces of everyone else I carry with me and know too that He can create them into a beautiful masterpiece as well.  In the midst of my unglued moments, unglued pieces, I prepare to hand them over because He holds the SUPER GLUE…

 I read this blog the other day – loved it – printed it and put it in my calendar to reread when I feel like this.


2 thoughts on “prepare to HAND IT OVER

  1. Julie Umbel October 20, 2012 at 1:13 pm Reply

    Enjoyed reading this, so true!!

  2. Laura Bean October 20, 2012 at 2:07 pm Reply

    Three things:
    -God loves honesty and transparency.
    -Can we do that tea thing sometime soon?
    -When are you planning to do this “Unglued” (Sunday morning or another night of the week?)
    Thanks for continuing to write. Absolute blessing.

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