prepare to know HE understands

For many people, weekends are the time they renew for the week ahead.  My weekends are full of chaos, little sleep, and doing whatever it takes to get to church as a family.  I generally work Friday night, Saturday 7p-5:30am drive home by 6:30 am get a nap until 9:00 am and get ready for church.  There generally is a discussion on how we need to get out of the house faster to get to church sooner, but I am running on empty.  However, I walk through the church doors and breathe a sigh… knowing that despite no sleep, this is exactly where I am suppose to be.   It is especially amazing to go as a family, just as I did growing up.  We all feel at home there.  Our friends have blended into our family.  We head home and try to do something as a family and I return to work at 7pm-5:30am – then cyber school starts, piano/voice, and now Bible Study every other week.  Yep that’s my renewing…

This past weekend, I threw in a few more activities – just to liven up life a little (=

On Friday, I got to start my morning with fighting with the insurance company AGAIN over benefits not paid for Sam.  I was exhausted from the previous week and basically just ended up crying to the insurance customer service.  I had done everything right and got things authorized before going.  I had fought for our son… and thankful that I was finally heard…let’s say the check should be here this week and if not I see a trip to Wheeling in my future next week…

On Saturday, Samuel had a speech evaluation.  We had to reschedule it from the snow storm )=  Which also meant that we missed the Church’s Thanksgiving Dinner.  As I mentioned in my thankfulness list today, we are so blessed with a church family.  It’s like home – you walk through the doors and know you are meant to be there.  I could go on and on about the blessing of our church.  Maybe that is why it was hard to miss the meal – and to miss it to watch our son struggle. We were anticipating a 2 hour evaluation… well, we did 2 ½ hours and had to quit with probably another 2 hours to go.  When people create tests, they think about the average person and their testing skills – not the extra-ordinary child.  I wanted to give him the answers because I knew he knew them… I wanted to just wrap my arms around him as I watched him slowly melt in exhaustion and frustration… I wanted to just kiss his hands so he wouldn’t dig sore spots into his scalp from being overwhelmed.  The therapist was awesome and patient and kind and understanding – the testing process was NOT!  The other wonderful thing about all the tests and I.E.P., etc… is to point out all the weaknesses – not to emphasize the strengths.  I knew he had to do the test even though I wanted to just say “we quit”.  It has always just been Sam and I on all the testing adventures because they happen during the day when daddy works.  I have learned that I need the prayers for strength and Sam needs the prayers for peace and strength.  And people ask how did it go… and I try to explain, but words are not enough… I should have called off of work, and am learning that I need to plan “down time” for us both… We had planned for a small stop after the evaluation for a reward, but it took longer than I thought so we had to switch gears – which was just another mess for Sam because plans changed.. and I had to kick into work mode.  Then I got my little nap…

On Sunday, we made it to church, which I so needed because I am surrounded by people with a same purpose in life – to celebrate Christ, to renew on Sunday mornings, to pause life.  Generally I am not really needed for anything, and in fact, many awesome friends ask how I am doing.  Though church is only a small spot in my week, it is exactly what I need… Then got home from church to get ready for the  Christmas dinner homemade mac-n-cheese  and all the other stuff.  I couldn’t have done the dinner without Bev and Mary as they did most of the work.  Then add in needing to make a soup for Jim’s job on Monday. Dinner then to work at the hospital.  Another night, I should have just called off.  I was exhausted, but call-offs are so against my work ethic.  I get to work and put it in full gear.  And as I type reviews I just want to cry  — How can I whine about my life, my blessings, our son, our daughter, etc… when these people have real issues… these children need a parent like me… when these loved ones lives are changed for ever… when unidentified people come in from traumas…  Who am I to whine???  After a long night of work, I am blessed to have a little down-time in the car.  To re-group before coming home…

I thought about Christ and how He must feel like I did watching Sam and not being able to do anything. Watching my son suffer hurts so much, but I know that the evaluation is needed for long-term good.  Christ has to watch us go through trials and fires and pain and knowing it is for long-term good.  It will refine us and make us stronger.  I want to reach out to Sam and just do it for him, but that does not help him grow and won’t give us the info we need.  I am sure Christ feels the same, He wants to make life easy but it won’t help us grow.  With Sam, I told him I wouldn’t leave him through the testing.. and Christ promises that to me too.  I may just feel alone and nervous and afraid and frustrated, but just like with Sam – He is there, but just has to let me go through it.  May I be prepared to know HE understands.

James 1:2-4 “when Troubles come your way, Consider it an Opportunity for Great Joy. For you know that when your FAITH IS TESTED, your Endurance has a Chance to GROW. So let it GROW, for when your Endurance is Fully Developed, you will be Perfect and Complete, needing Nothing.”

Hebrews 13:5 . . . God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

p.s. I did not write this for comments on my strength.. because it is NOT my strength that gets me through these crazy weekends, the melting moments with our children, through the horrible stories I see at work… it truly is my Grandma’s verse that says it all PHILLIPIANS 4:13 “I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.”  – He is my “super hero cape” I have to grab when I get out of bed.

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