prepare to DIVE DEEPER

I am an incredible list maker.  In fact, my to-do lists often are categorized in an excel spread sheet.  I chose the word PREPARE in 2012 to make me move to action.  I have succeeded in some areas, while other areas still suffer.  Over the last month, I guess you could say my heart has been heavy with thought.  Well, then I developed this lovely rash over my body.  I have eliminated things from laundry, soaps, diet, etc… and the rash continues.  I saw my “girl” doctor yesterday because she knows me like no other doctor in this world and thought she could give me insight on the rash and some of the “locations”.  I mentioned at the last ladies Bible Study that I think it is a “sign”.  Some do not believe in “signs” and believe they are truly coincidences.  But, I know from past experience that sometimes God has to put up BIG BILLBOARDS to get my attention because I ignore the SLOW, YIELD, STOP signs.  I have a list including back injury, a miscarriage, two high risk pregnancies, my “rule out” stroke vs. MS, etc.  They all happened when I was doing too much and taking my eyes off of the road I was suppose to be on.  So while some things are coincidences, there are other times, I think they are messages from God and should not be so lightly dismissed.  I recently read a book by Glen Beck and Keith Ablow about Seven Wonders that Will Change Your Life.  In there was a whole topic of  “coincidences” and it further confirmed what I already believed.  Sure anything that happens could be justified into a “sign”.  I have heard married people justify adultery, have heard Christians justify stealing, etc… But, I believe that when I am right with God, I will know the message of what comes into my life.  However, I am far from always being right with God, and that for me is usually when big things happen.  This rash could be something big or something small, but I do know as a result He has gotten my attention.

Anyway, I know there are many areas in my life that I am “not where I need to be”.  Mary and I had several intense conversations in the car yesterday.  My momma said there would be days like that!  But, she said something that made me also confirm my thoughts (of not where I need to be).  She basically just said she was NOT like me in how I can always make everything seem so right.  That even if I am sad or angry I always have it together.  She further said I never fall apart even on the inside and even if I do, no one knows it. There are a few ways to look at that – thankful that I can hide behind the mask (which is a topic of another book I have been reading) or sad that no one knows the real me – especially my daughter.  I am also thinking I don’t even know who I am anymore!.  Sure I am a nurse, a mom, a wife, a Christian, but who is Sheri?  And is there something more in life that I should be doing?

Well, I can tell you that after starting the Bible Study at church, I realize there is so much more I am missing.  I have relied on the knowledge of my past, the stories of my Sunday School lessons, the few scriptures I have stored in my mind to get me by in life.  Then I stopped going to church for years while I worked.  Sure I would listen to Christian music in the car, catch an occasional TV broadcast.  But, it was always surface stuff.  Things did not sink into my heart.  I have said over and over again that this year has been life changing for me.  I believe I am a different person on the inside, but my daughter’s word made me think, but am I different on the outside. I am not just talking the physical (because well, I am still not skinny, but still wonderfully made), but what pours out of me.  The answer is apparently NO. 

So my answer is I need to know more so I can be more so I can do more and can show more of me.  I need to discover Sheri – the person outside the job and the home.  I need to learn who I am as a child of God and what His plans are for me because so far, I am pretty stuck on my “vision”.  What that has gotten me is going through the motions of life.  So I started a Bible Study last night – two to be exact – both areas that I need to work on in my life.  The first is regarding a Study on ADVENT.  As I blogged yesterday, my heart is not where it needs to be.  I want to know more and feel more about Christmas. The second one is an online Bible Study called GREATER based on the book by Steven Furtick. I have never done an online Bible Study before, but I can’t say it doesn’t fit into my time.  I am also doing the ladies’ study at our church on UNGLUED.   So, if you put the three studies together it could be A Greater Unglued Advent (LOL).  But, honestly, they are all for ME to become so much more than a woman going through the motions.  One thing loud and clear over the past week, and especially last night and today, I AM MADE FOR MORE THAN THE LIFE I AM LEADING!  He wants great things of me and for me – I PREPARE to DIVE DEEPER to discover who I am and all the riches He has for me.

one of my favorite quotes by Albert Einstein (who is believed to have Asperger’s) is so true for my life by me going through the same motions everyday and expecting more… “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”

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