I started three blogs last night and each of them had to do with anger and powerlessness. Those are not things to dwell on before bedtime! But as I layed there one of the messages that spoke to me with our first week of Bible Study just stood out. So here are the battles I was dwelling on…
Being a mom is hard stuff. There are times that nothing I can say will ever be right. There are times when it is believed by the child that I do not understand and have never “been there’. If I stay silence it is the wrong choice too, because she just wants an answer to figure it out, and honestly, sometimes I think it feels better to her to fight. The problem is, I am not a fighter. I know in her mind, she wonders who side of the battle I am on. Am I for her or for the enemy (or the situation). Like all our battles, they slowly faded after some time when we remove ourselves from the battle and just think. And then, the world fell back in balance on Friday after we went to Morgantown and had breakfast and some therapy. On Saturday, we went shopping with her friend, had a wonderful lunch, she found clothes she loved, and the battle was definitely over (and thankfully no one was seriously injured in the battle).
Thankfully, Samuel and I do not battle yet. My battle for Samuel is usually against the world and his autism. The speech evaluation returned and as with all of the evaluations to get services, it was a list of all his weaknesses. I knew they existed, but to see them in writing makes me hurt to the soul for him. I know that the speech therapist was not against us, but it felt like that when you read the evaluation. But, then a battle surfaced I wasn’t expecting – Time Magazine article, Redefining Crazy! The article discussed all the changes to the Psychiatric Diagnosis. First of all, when we underwent diagnosis, it crushed me know he would have a mental health label for life. It is also what allows insurance companies to deny coverage because they do not cover “mental illness”. Sam’s diagnosis on the Psychology testing has been just over a year ago. As a nurse, I get the impact of the mental illness diagnosing process, and it stings. To some, this whole thing may be small, but to me it is huge! Then if the stigma is not enough to have the diagnosis – a professional journal adds another stab when they say the revision is Redefining Crazy… People with Autism are not crazy, nor are my many friends with psychologic diagnosis. They are incredible people that God has wired differently. . grouped all individuals with Autism, etc.. under the Crazy category. Anyway, it just adds to my fear that his label, may truly label/target him for life. Sure, if you know him you will know how amazing he is, but if you believe the stereotype you will never give him a chance. The battle began and I wrote letters to Time, emails to the editor, emails to Time, and commented on the article. It was them against us and I could NOT sit here and say nothing. I even offered to bring Sam into their office so they could see what “Crazy” looked like.
Okay, I am also still dealing with this crazy rash. My cream made of gold (must be for >$300 for a bottle the size of a trial size shampoo) is not working as intended. My fasting glucose levels are slowly climbing – probably because of the rash and my body attempting to fight it. I have known for a while I need to see my primary doctor, but he moved offices and it is the unknown. I have now seen 3 doctor’s for my rash (urgent care, ob/gyn, and dermatology) and well, the cream isn’t really working, or at least not as quickly as I expected. I have consulted with a friend who understands holistic medicine and she agrees with my thinking that this is likely an internal issue, just surfacing on the skin. So, I am going to try some probiotics and see if that helps – since it appears my expensive cream, just isn’t doing it.
So basically, I have felt to be in a series of battles – my daughter, the world for our son, and this stupid skin! This is just every day living where I consume all the battles into my own hands and fight them alone. But, when I get tired of fighting and not winning, it is then when I sit back and think – Lord, whose side are you on? I justify to Him that I did my best and list all my battle strategies. During our first week of Bible Study we talked about how Joshua went to God and boldly asked – whose side are you on? I had never realized that. I also felt for Joshua because it had to be hard to ask and sad that he had to ask. I mean as a Christian, I feel like I shouldn’t have to question that. Well, the response from God was “Netiher”. I about gasp – I can see myself saying “What do you mean neither! Lord, you are supposed to be on MY side!” and I would continue to rant and pout and cry, not believing how unfair that is that he is not on my side! But then, comes the answer… “I am not on either side of the battle; I am HERE TO TAKE OVER.” That is it! But here is the problem with me… I keep battling an issue until I am exhausted and at the end and then I go to God. Oh, and then I don’t actually want to let go and turn it over to God. I need to learn to go to Him early in the battle – when the battle starts with Mary I need to ask for the words to say and to soften both of our hearts. My only prayer was probably in the middle where I asked him to help me keep my mouth shut… So, I didn’t go to him to ask for His help and give him the battle, I went to him and gave him directions (keep my mouth shut). How many times do I prevent him from doing His work in me by limiting Him with my specific request, instead of saying “Lord take over the battle!” So why do I not relinquish the battle – the list includes keeping control, admitting weakness / defeat, convinced I can handle it, etc. He wants to take over the small battles, the little battles, etc… If I just listen, He will give me my role and my power and my weapons. Everyday can be a battle, and everyday I can choose to fight it alone or prepare to LET HIM TAKE OVER. Surrendering to Christ, can be how I win the battle.
Joshua 5:14 – “Neither,” he replied, “but as commander of the army of the LORD I have now come.” (I am here to take over!)