So on Saturday, I had one of those days and really wanted to blog to just pour it all out, but weekends are tough to blog with trying to get things done and working. I had high hopes to get x, y, z done – actually I wasn’t going to do anything but my word intentional kept going over in my mind. I resolved to do something before work. Well, my project got changed, not that is bad, because I was still productive.
I really can’t tell you what order things happened in, nor is it really important, but through the day I really began feeling defeated as a wife and as a mother. It was little things, but they felt like paper cuts… you know the smallest cuts in the world that hurt the most and keep burning no matter the band-aids or ointment you apply. I hate when projects and good intentions go south quickly. It was everything I touched. Satan had definitely tried to take residency on Saturday. Of course, when I feel like I am not the wife and mother I should be, that also places me in question of worth even in God’s eyes. He has blessed me with a great husband who endures my many faults and two beautiful children who love me too. So, I left for work… Saturday, I was so thankful for the drive alone in the car. I could cry my eyes out and I didn’t have to explain to anyone the tears. I didn’t want to tell anyone how I felt and what hurt and hear that my assessment of myself was wrong. So cry is exactly what I did, and God heard everyone of them as a prayer – prayers for my weakness, my pain, my insecurities, etc… Let’s say there were many tears and therefore many prayers. I also knew that the “great” day had several hours to go as I worked till 5:30 am. It was not like I could just go to bed and get a night’s sleep and wake up to the new mercies He promised in Lamentations 3:23.
At work, I knew that I also would be working with someone that I had not worked with for weeks and that some things occurred that put a strain on our working relationship. I could hardly wait to face that. One place I always feel secure is work. I believe it is because I am a hard worker and my work ethic generally pays off. So now, not only had I felt crappy as a wife and mom, I was walking into work feeling like a bad peer. UGH!!! Of course, it wasn’t done… Sam had arrived home only to discover I wasn’t there and was devastated and Jim let me know. The day was just getting better. I had struck out on every base in my life. And there were more hours to face in the day.
I am not a big believer in coincidences. I am a believer that God sends signs if I am just careful to observe them or hear them. That of course, requires that I open my heart, my mind, my ears, my eyes and SLOW DOWN so they are not a blur. I hate when I think I have captured a perfect picture only to discover a blur. Either the subject moved or I did, either way, the moment is not captured as I wanted. I believe that is generally what happens with me in “signs” they are there, but I don’t recognize them and think I am never heard.
Normally, when I just want to cry my eyes out, I want silence. However, this day I kept the radio on. A song came on by Matt Maher called RISE UP (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmOvRflPZCo ). Here are the lyrics of that song that really just shook me – the kind of shaking you do when you grab ahold of someone and shake them to wake up or to get their attention…
Chorus: You’ve got to rise up (rise up)- when this life has got you down
You’ve got to look up (look up) – when you search & nothings found
Verse 2: When you don’t know how to surrender – ‘Cause your whole life’s been a fight
When the dark holds you and you can’t break through – cause you haven’t seen the light. Open up your eyes…
I continue on my drive… the sun is brightly shining. Almost hurting my eyes because of the tears, the glare from the snow, and it’s brightness. I put on my sunglasses and try to control the light. But as I reach Uniontown, there is a beautiful sunset. I had been crying so hard, so I had to pull off the road so I could let my eyes really focus. At that moment I felt like it was a sign. Sometimes the sunset is not so obvious or bright, but on this day, it was my sign to focus. I was to focus that He was wrapping up this not so great day in a beautiful sunset.
Got to work, still an awkward evening, but every review I typed, was a sign. My life issues are nothing. At least I could still go home and be a wife and mom. I may not be the best the world has to offer, but what I lack in weaknesses, I try to make up in my genuine love for them. I make it home safely and tuck Sam in as he fell asleep in the recliner, probably waiting to see me. As I walk back to go up the steps, yet another sign.
The piano top. Earlier on Saturday, the one project completed was the clearing and cleaning of my mom’s piano. I have a few angels, my mom’s serenity prayer plaque, my mom’s picture, and a picture of my mom at 15months, me at 15 months, and Mary at 15 months. Also, is my little boy precious moment I found last year. He is wearing a cape and holding a bear that says Hope. I did a whole blog on this little purchase, because it reminds me of Sam (https://sherisoulsearch.wordpress.com/2012/04/02/prepare-for-hope/) . There is always Hope no matter what we are facing. Jeremiah 29:11 assures us that He has plans to give me hope and a future. It was the reminder of my mother’s love, even though she wasn’t perfect. The serenity prayer statue of my mom’s, that reminded me to change what I can and accept what I can’t.
I laid down for a nap before church. Within a few minutes, I heard footprints on the steps. Sam came to my side of the bed and just kissed my head and gave me the biggest hug. God did indeed give me New Mercies that Sunday morning. New mercies with a fresh sprinkling of Hope. I reflect now on my blog last year about the measuring stick that I use to judge my life as a mom, wife, Christian. (https://sherisoulsearch.wordpress.com/2012/03/13/prepare-for-measurements/). Sometimes, my eyes get out of focus and things get blurry… sometimes, I feel like little paper cuts on my heart are large open wounds… sometimes, I just need to use a different measuring stick when evaluating the situation. I do know I have to be intentional to Rise Up, look for the signs, and hold onto hope.