This week I drove home in weather conditions I have not driven in a very long time. It was 12:30 in the morning on Tuesday eve (early Wednesday morning). I left Morgantown and it was snowing so hard. I decided to come home 43 and then 40. I have learned that PA generally have the roads better maintained (Thank you Penn Dot) and 26 generally has more snow and therefore more snow to blow around1 Well, I really felt like I was driving through an unexplored galaxy. I had no perception of where I was. Landmark signs were not visible, the lines of the road could not be seen, and no other cars were on the road. It was beautiful in a scary way. I had turned off my radio, held tightly to the steering wheel, and just prayed and concentrated. I was in the car, which is rear-wheel drive, but never felt it slide (or seen the little auto skid light kick on).
That night was a turning point mentally for me. I had also just listened to a sermon archive from ElevationChurch about women and Proverbs 31. It was one of those you just want to turn off because it hurt to listen to it. In my last blog I talked about disappointment and that sermon made my expectations of being a Christian woman, Wife, Mom, and Employee come right into my face. Several things (good and bad) have happened in the past few weeks prior. I have:
- developed this wonderful headache with some vision issues (which was really rough during the snow storm) and intermittent vertigo – bringing my health to surface again.
- Received my beautiful surprise roses from my awesome husband on Valentines Day – making me look at my role as a wife
- I have been over committed which took me away from home more than I realized – it brings my role as a mom to surface
- Weekly something comes to light about my spiritual well being – “signs’ of where I need to be intentional on my convictions
That drive home feels like my daily life lately – going along with no sense of direction, landmarks and yellow lines to guide me are hidden / distorted. I feel like I am headed into a tundra alone with all of my commitments just coming at me. Often, as much as I hate to admit it, I feel alone. I just make it by one day after day after day. A week can pass by and I have no idea where the time went, where I had been, and note everything left undone.
I remember when my Grandma Frazee got her black/white TV. We would get so frustrated when the antenna wasn’t turned right and all we would get was “snow”. I even remember people getting on the roof to turn the antenna on the roof to get better reception. The snow on the TV blocked us from seeing what we wanted to see and needed to see.
Lately my vision of life has been completely “off”. My perception of where I should be is “snowy” and difficult to see. I am getting by day-by-day, instead of living with passion! I know who and what I say I love in life, but when I look at my life, I am not sure it may be evident. Lately, I have been consumed with some issues and they have blocked my vision. I couldn’t get passed them. Some days, I found it hard to concentrate on my grateful list because I was becoming consumed with the “snow” that overshadowed the blessings.
So like life… sometimes I try to turn the antennas closest to me, but no matter how much I turn it, the “snow” still blocks my vision of what I need to see. My distractions are usually thoughts that I dwell on, not getting done everything I want to do, and just not being “enough” or who I want to be with friends, family, Christ. I need to go HIGHER and look from a different perspective… go HIGHER by praying to God (He has the best view to turn my antenna.) He can turn it to make the picture very clear OR He sometimes He just wants to guide me through the “snow”.
As I drove that night, I so wanted to just pull off the road and wait for the storm to pass – just like life and wanting to disengage from reality. Or wait for a state truck to follow – just like life not looking to the right ONE to follow. But, I so wanted to come home and crawl into my bed and see our children sleeping. In that car during that storm was exactly where I was meant to be. For the first time in several weeks, it was just me and God in the car, and my antenna on life was changed. My picture is clear. Sometimes it just takes the storms of life to block my vision, so I rely on God for the directions. It is amazing how clear life becomes when I intentionally share the journey with God.