I have started this blog at least 10 times as it is listing as Document 10 on my screen. Every time I started before it was pouring out my heart of all the areas I am struggling with. I am cautious of being that honest for who may be reading this blog, the judgments by some, and some of my friends will worry if I am okay and tell me how good of a mom, etc. I am. The other problem is if I keep standing in this same stop sign of insecurity and remain emotional, I will never move past it. Sometimes I just need to STOP, look all ways, and just move forward. STOP looking behind me. I will be honest enough to say I have really been struggling and torn with many areas of my life – as a wife, a mother, a friend, a daughter, etc… Feeling like I am just not where I need to be, but not even knowing where that is or how to get there. I have definitely uncovered some emotions that have caught me off guard as what use to be the laid back and nothing bothered me personality I ONCE was. Three of my favorite songs currently are
- Worn – Tenth Avenue North – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM
- Pray – Sanctus Real – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrQHNQ0hwQE
- Just Say Jesus – 7eventh Time Down –http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=84LSLk3hfD4
I am pretty sure they have climbed in my head on several occasions when I was alone in the car and wrote those very lyrics. Most days I ride in the car with no music because of two reasons my Sirius subscription ended AND a song can make me cry and then I can’t see to drive. Plus my car can become a great location for some serious alone time with God (unfortunately this is a huge weakness for me… which adds to my beating of myself because I want a better relationship, but consistently fail at it.).
I think what is hitting me the hardest is September is really like MY NEW YEARS. I have a new calendar, new school year, home schooling starts, routines begin, my schedule fills quickly, etc. However, with the focus on the “new year”, I realize how miserably I have failed at my word – INTENTIONAL.
I have been so blessed to watch the words of others come to life and to some they ‘lived their word out loud”. I love reading their little blurbs/stories of how it has made a difference in their life. I think I am mad at myself for not living my word out loud. There were so many areas of my life I wanted to be more intentional about – my relationships, my health, my Christian walk, etc. As fall approaches, I almost want to get off on the next exit and hide in a hotel for awhile. If only life was that easy…. I even made an offer to a friend to pick her up and just escape to the beach or a cabin in the woods, just to refocus (assuming I had focus prior – lol). It isn’t that easy to step away from my life – homeschooling 2 children, work full-time outside the home, a husband, and we can’t forget our crazy dog.
I read a verse this week in a blog and I realize as I write my blog the power of those words. “We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps. (NLT) – Proverbs 16:9 I have been thinking of all of these plans of where I want to be, but have never asked God if that is the steps / directions I should go and often didn’t even start my own life to get to the destination. It is very hard to get anywhere without starting. I also have been arrogant enough to believe I could do it by myself without His direction. I have a few dear friends who definitely had a different plan then the directions God has taken their steps (cancer, loss of job, loss of loved one, etc…). I know there are times I am pretty sure God’s G.P.S. has lost signal in my life and I am on a route that is completely un-marked. I am just waiting to hear “turn around whenever possible’.
I look at my life and realize sometimes
- I thought about plans but the trip looked too long/hard so I never even started.
- I think sometimes it was because I was carrying too much baggage from the previous trip!
- I had no plans and so God didn’t even move me in the direction I should go because He wanted me to “own’ my responsibility and make the first step so He could lead me.
- I had no plans but am so stubborn that I won’t even listen to His G.P.S. for my life.
- I had plans but SHUT OFF or turned down the sound on the God’s G.P.S. because I knew the route I wanted
- I had “great” plans but God lead me other ways. Some I have yet to understand, but that is where faith and hope steps in.
- I had plans and they must have aligned with His will and I travel in that direction (oh what a peaceful ride).
I know His word says He has big plans for me ‘I have plans for you Sheri, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you… plans to give you HOPE… plans to give you a FUTURE.’ But I am pretty sure He expects me to take the steps of FAITH instead of sitting at this STOP sign I keep staring at!
I have let myself be stopped long enough with the worries of my children (even if certain situations that as a mom have broken my heart and I can’t fix them), feelings like I am not a good enough ______ (wife, mother, daughter, friend), carrying my baggage and burdens instead of casting them upon Him,
Today is a NEW DAY with NEW MERCIES (Lamentations 3:23) and I have an internal G.P.S. to reprogram – looking for a new route with ‘no turning around when possible”. I have some INTENTIONAL living to do!