Monthly Archives: October 2014

OVERCOME RESTLESSNESS

As my (once) favorite season settles in, I am finding to be off-season, off-my-game, and restless. It is so crazy because once I would have loved fall, but this year feels different. I do love the beauty and the leaves. Right now I LOVE not even looking at the weather because the worst thing will be rain. I do not have to calculate if I can get to an appointment or to work. I am not liking the restless feeling…

Restless because winter is just around the corner. I am just not mentally or physically ready for that season. People are mentioning flurries this weekend and I will not lie I could throw up!!! I use to be invincible and drive in anything. That of course was 1. when I had 4wd and 2. I didn’t have children. It is ironic because I have never wrecked in the winter, but the possibility consumes me. Now that I have great car 9 months out of the year, it changes my opinion of snow… and it doesn’t help that our road maintenance has become worse over the years.

Restless because of school for Mary. It is the end of the 9 weeks and well, I know how that works, and so does she… so we will likely butt heads… I will try to help but it will just make things worse… there will be tears shed by both of us… I will get frustrated and so will she… I try to offer guidance, but it’s not what she wants/needs to hear (just like her mom!). We both need something, that neither of us can offer each other, the creation of more time!

Restless because of school for Sam. I had Sam’s I.E.P. meeting and wrote a blog because I just needed to pour my heart out after feeling defeated (but didn’t share as a link on facebook because I wasn’t seeking sympathy – OVERCOMING Mama Defeat – https://sherisoulsearch.wordpress.com/2014/10/27/overcome-mama-defeat/). When as a mom you fail to find your child’s “niche” to learning it hurts. Though the cyber school is very helpful and accommodate as much as they are allowed, the system still tries to put our son in the same category as everyone else and makes him BELOW AVERAGE, when in reality he truly is so unique that the current school systems just don’t know how to rate him.  He is so much more than “average”. I feel defeated because I need to do more for him.

Restless because I know there are relationships in my life that I have not been fostering and mentoring the way I want. I so love to be an encourager, and lately I haven’t had / made the time for that. And to be completely honest, I have not even had the energy for. I think I am emotionally spent and that leaves me empty for the ones I want to make deposits into their lives. Honestly, I am a little restless over some people that have really disappointed me, and the energy I allow them to drain from me instead of just letting go.

Restless because projects have gone undone that I had thought I would have completed. Simple things like a couple small Bible studies online. I have even fallen behind in the few simple chapters to read, and I really wanted to stay caught up – UGH!!! Actually I have many books just waiting to be read, but that doesn’t fall onto the radar. I have bigger projects, but honestly, I am so restless that I have even fallen behind on my calendar (ask Mary, she will tell you how bad that is!). My to do list is a series of post-it notes stapled to sheets of paper. I am in the firefighter mode of putting the fires out one day at a time.

Restless because I have let my health take a back burner, and that is truly a problem. It is preventing me from the energy I need.  It caught up with me getting pneumonia. The ironic thing, with my new work schedule, I am actually getting real sleep, so I am still not sure how/why. If I forget how my health is, I am gently reminded because it is insurance renewal time and my labs and weight and BMI are written several places. I said to someone that this past Sunday was going to be the start of Operation take care of Sheri. Which means compliance with my diabetic monitoring (which I stink at), my medications (I struggle to even remember to take the antibiotic they gave me), and with rest and meals. A few days late, but I did pretty good today with meals, meds and glucose monitoring. But I didn’t like what I saw. I think I live often in “if I don’t see it / don’t look” it won’t really exist. Unfortunately, I seem to have that mentality with several areas – I guess that is called DENIAL. My constant state of residency – the State of Denial!

Restless over some decisions I feel I need to make. However, to make them I need to get my ducks in a row – or at least all the notes off of napkins, post it notes, back of receipts. It means I need to focus and stop throwing the things in the air to juggle and figure out what happens when they all land. Again DENIAL that plates won’t eventually break when they start landing on their own.

Granted there have been several things that have added to the restlessness…. Changes in my work hours and responsibilities, my recent bout of pneumonia, and some changes in my personal schedule I didn’t anticipate/ dictate (school, meetings, etc…).

I have heard from friends who are feeling similar. So what’s a girl to do? OVERCOME! I need to find the positives in the middle of my restlessness and focus on those things – Phillipians 4:8 is a great list to focus on: whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.

Pour into myself, so I can pour into others. Read the books.. listen to my online sermons and podcasts… create a great playlist… spend the time sorting my post-it notes… talk a walk and enjoy the beauty (and stop focusing on what comes next – SNOW it is a four letter word anyway – LOL).  Make the one project I have been pondering over!

Start my day positively – go straight to the verse of the day instead of the facebook posts overnight – well, except for pictures of Gracie, because she is just a positive start no matter what!!! Get back into my morning moments, because they really helped to set my tone.

Get out of denial, face my lists, and prioritize people over things.  Help to renew other spirits. The great thing about winter, is decreased work and decreased running.  May I prepare now to be ready for the hard season.

I was going to post this blog this morning, but then things got a little crazy, Sam got the flu, etc… and then I read the PERFECT VERSE on Nicki Koziarz (of Proverbs 31 ministries) Facebook page… Psalm 37:7 “BE STILL and REST in the LORD; Wait for HIM and patiently lean yourself upon HIM; Fret not….

 I am most likely restless because I am NOT resting in HIM!!!

 

I also must mention that exactly a month ago my blog was about overcoming discontentment. Looks like I have more learning to do!

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OVERCOME Mama Defeat

What an emotional day, it happens every year about this time, and every year I am sure I will feel optimistic and blessed. And… every year I feel defeated. Today I even ended up crying in the middle of the meeting. So thankful that I can do I.E.P (individual education plan) virtually and not in person and there is a lovely mute button to hide my sobs. I am even crying as I write this. For those of you who don’t know an I.E.P. is a form that public schools use to give goals to improve the education process and better meet the needs of your child. However, for the mom on the other side, it is a 25 page document of all of your child’s weaknesses written in black and white. And though Sam loves the black and white of situations, his mamma needs that paper to show lots of gray (or pink and orange in honor of Sam)! Many days as a mom I beat myself up knowing I haven’t done enough… wonder how can I find the “thing” that will make things connect for Sam. I spent my lunch time in a meeting with people who do not really know my child on how he thinks and processes. They tell me on one “test” (PSSA, my favorite) he is below average. Well, I can give you a list why! Yet on another “test” he is average (but I know full well it was because of good guessing). And the whole time I really want to SCREAM – “Sam is anything BUT average! He is a amazing, creative, loving, honest, etc… he is anything but average! “ And well, it just breaks my heart and puts a knot in my throat and heart, because they just don’t know him, and the school system so wants to define him by his weaknesses in 25 pages of paper. His teacher is amazing and listens to what I am saying and tries to put the accommodations and my comments, but it doesn’t change the system. I just laugh when they tell me Sam will have a writing test for his PSSA this year. A writing test, without someone to dictate to, will equal his name on the paper and maybe one or two sentences. THEY WILL NEVER CAPTURE SAM, and man what people are missing out on that do not truly know him! It gets harder to bounce back from these meetings! But, I have to renew my resolve…  (Of note: I must say that the cyber school is MUCH MORE adaptive than brick/mortar schools ever were for him and they will change an I.E.P. with a simple request not taking months to resolve.)

But my concerns are not for Sam alone, I know I have passed along some not so great traits to our daughter. Oh, the night owl thing that I am now resolving with my new work schedule. However, the change is not coming so easily for her. And let me not forget the procrastination piece of my finer character that I have graciously gifted to her as well.   When I got home last night after a day of work, she is working away at school – so thankful. But I can tell by our conversation that she is stressed, mostly because of my lovely traits – night-owl and procrastination. I am trying really hard to change me and hope the effects eventually take hold for her. She really thrives with cyber school, and I know it was the right choice for her. The only problem for cyber is it takes her from the social aspect, not that is completely bad without the drama, but it also prevents people from getting to know what an amazing, talented, loving, smart, compassionate, beautiful young lady she is. But, in the same token, she was bullied and destroyed emotionally because she was smart, amazing, talented, loving, compassionate, and beautiful. It was up to us to find a solution, because the system will never see itself as broken!

I would say I worry about our children – and the concern is different for each child! They are like comparing apples and oranges (and that comparison only works in my Big Fat Greek Wedding – lol). But, honestly, it is wanting to have “the answer” to what’s best for them as individuals. It is the overwhelming desire to find “the thing” for Sam. It is the overwhelming desire to help Mary discover her niche in this crazy world and preparing her for whatever road she chooses. I know Christ promises a Hope and a Future, and I want a hand in my children’s lives to find both of those!

So, what’s a mama to do? Keep trying! Overcome my bad habits to mirror to my children a healthier life. Pray harder everyday for wisdom! Dig deeper for “the thing” that will make the difference! Focus on the strengths, not on the weaknesses!  Buy more tissues because the tears will keep coming! Remember, I am not alone in these battles, as many other mamas loose sleep over similar battles! BREATHE! Go to bed at night making sure that my children know they are loved! Wake every morning and accept the new serving of mercy from my Heavenly Father!

I like the NIV version Isaiah 40:31 – ” but those who HOPE in the LORD will RENEW their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
I just have to get my HOPE focused on the One who can RENEW me!