As my (once) favorite season settles in, I am finding to be off-season, off-my-game, and restless. It is so crazy because once I would have loved fall, but this year feels different. I do love the beauty and the leaves. Right now I LOVE not even looking at the weather because the worst thing will be rain. I do not have to calculate if I can get to an appointment or to work. I am not liking the restless feeling…
Restless because winter is just around the corner. I am just not mentally or physically ready for that season. People are mentioning flurries this weekend and I will not lie I could throw up!!! I use to be invincible and drive in anything. That of course was 1. when I had 4wd and 2. I didn’t have children. It is ironic because I have never wrecked in the winter, but the possibility consumes me. Now that I have great car 9 months out of the year, it changes my opinion of snow… and it doesn’t help that our road maintenance has become worse over the years.
Restless because of school for Mary. It is the end of the 9 weeks and well, I know how that works, and so does she… so we will likely butt heads… I will try to help but it will just make things worse… there will be tears shed by both of us… I will get frustrated and so will she… I try to offer guidance, but it’s not what she wants/needs to hear (just like her mom!). We both need something, that neither of us can offer each other, the creation of more time!
Restless because of school for Sam. I had Sam’s I.E.P. meeting and wrote a blog because I just needed to pour my heart out after feeling defeated (but didn’t share as a link on facebook because I wasn’t seeking sympathy – OVERCOMING Mama Defeat – https://sherisoulsearch.wordpress.com/2014/10/27/overcome-mama-defeat/). When as a mom you fail to find your child’s “niche” to learning it hurts. Though the cyber school is very helpful and accommodate as much as they are allowed, the system still tries to put our son in the same category as everyone else and makes him BELOW AVERAGE, when in reality he truly is so unique that the current school systems just don’t know how to rate him. He is so much more than “average”. I feel defeated because I need to do more for him.
Restless because I know there are relationships in my life that I have not been fostering and mentoring the way I want. I so love to be an encourager, and lately I haven’t had / made the time for that. And to be completely honest, I have not even had the energy for. I think I am emotionally spent and that leaves me empty for the ones I want to make deposits into their lives. Honestly, I am a little restless over some people that have really disappointed me, and the energy I allow them to drain from me instead of just letting go.
Restless because projects have gone undone that I had thought I would have completed. Simple things like a couple small Bible studies online. I have even fallen behind in the few simple chapters to read, and I really wanted to stay caught up – UGH!!! Actually I have many books just waiting to be read, but that doesn’t fall onto the radar. I have bigger projects, but honestly, I am so restless that I have even fallen behind on my calendar (ask Mary, she will tell you how bad that is!). My to do list is a series of post-it notes stapled to sheets of paper. I am in the firefighter mode of putting the fires out one day at a time.
Restless because I have let my health take a back burner, and that is truly a problem. It is preventing me from the energy I need. It caught up with me getting pneumonia. The ironic thing, with my new work schedule, I am actually getting real sleep, so I am still not sure how/why. If I forget how my health is, I am gently reminded because it is insurance renewal time and my labs and weight and BMI are written several places. I said to someone that this past Sunday was going to be the start of Operation take care of Sheri. Which means compliance with my diabetic monitoring (which I stink at), my medications (I struggle to even remember to take the antibiotic they gave me), and with rest and meals. A few days late, but I did pretty good today with meals, meds and glucose monitoring. But I didn’t like what I saw. I think I live often in “if I don’t see it / don’t look” it won’t really exist. Unfortunately, I seem to have that mentality with several areas – I guess that is called DENIAL. My constant state of residency – the State of Denial!
Restless over some decisions I feel I need to make. However, to make them I need to get my ducks in a row – or at least all the notes off of napkins, post it notes, back of receipts. It means I need to focus and stop throwing the things in the air to juggle and figure out what happens when they all land. Again DENIAL that plates won’t eventually break when they start landing on their own.
Granted there have been several things that have added to the restlessness…. Changes in my work hours and responsibilities, my recent bout of pneumonia, and some changes in my personal schedule I didn’t anticipate/ dictate (school, meetings, etc…).
I have heard from friends who are feeling similar. So what’s a girl to do? OVERCOME! I need to find the positives in the middle of my restlessness and focus on those things – Phillipians 4:8 is a great list to focus on: whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.
Pour into myself, so I can pour into others. Read the books.. listen to my online sermons and podcasts… create a great playlist… spend the time sorting my post-it notes… talk a walk and enjoy the beauty (and stop focusing on what comes next – SNOW it is a four letter word anyway – LOL). Make the one project I have been pondering over!
Start my day positively – go straight to the verse of the day instead of the facebook posts overnight – well, except for pictures of Gracie, because she is just a positive start no matter what!!! Get back into my morning moments, because they really helped to set my tone.
Get out of denial, face my lists, and prioritize people over things. Help to renew other spirits. The great thing about winter, is decreased work and decreased running. May I prepare now to be ready for the hard season.
I was going to post this blog this morning, but then things got a little crazy, Sam got the flu, etc… and then I read the PERFECT VERSE on Nicki Koziarz (of Proverbs 31 ministries) Facebook page… Psalm 37:7 “BE STILL and REST in the LORD; Wait for HIM and patiently lean yourself upon HIM; Fret not….
I am most likely restless because I am NOT resting in HIM!!!
I also must mention that exactly a month ago my blog was about overcoming discontentment. Looks like I have more learning to do!