Monday night I was blessed to have the evening off and spent it recharging my battery with some amazing ladies around a table enjoying tea and learning about Christ. It doesn’t get much better than that! Well, after the video we talk about what we learned and it was about abandonment and connections. One thing about the videos is I keep thinking and thinking on it…
There were several take away thoughts for me. And the more I think the more aha moments!!!
First about abandonment. Marilyn Meberg talked about how we have all have an abandonment issue. At times it is because:
- Someone has left us that had a role in our lives and it left a hole.
- We have lost friendships (some for valid reasons and some we will never know).
- We have felt “abandoned” when in fact, it was unjustified fear.
- Sometimes we live out the abandonment others felt – example was a woman whose husband left placed in her daughter’s mind that men will always leave – so the daughter believed that.
- Sometimes as a result of our beliefs we avoid relationships to prevent the pain/fear of being abandoned/left.
Regardless, of what happened, we are left with a “BIG HOLE in OUR SOUL” that we constantly try to fill with things, superficial relationships (facebook friends can often qualify – we connect only there and some for all the wrong reasons), and addictions.
I have had several losses… our miscarriage – I felt abandoned by Christ. That Christmas, I protested Christmas! But our awesome church friends after the church Christmas program brought the live tree, fully decorated, and Steven played the violin for Christmas Carols. Friends tried to fill in that hole. They became the arms of God that held us close! My how times have changed… many additional holes in the soul because two of our dear friends – Bruce and Ed have gone on to heaven (also way to early in my humble opinion)! I sure do not understand why Christ chooses who He does (in our previous week it was about God knows the bigger plan, and though we don’t like it, it is HIS PLAN!)
I have had the loss of my two biggest role models – my mom and grandma Frazee! My mom way too early. She never met my children. I can’t call her and ask her questions. The list could go on and on. My Grandma was amazing too. They lived out Christ. They were gentle sweet spirits. I could go on and on about the life lessons they taught me by word and even more by example! But if I start listing that will just mean the tears won’t stop to finish the blog! I have had wonderful women who have stepped in personally and professionally to mentor me and help with the big HOLE IN THE SOUL! How appropriate to sit around the table with Christian women having tea, hearing a video that put into words what I was feeling on what would have been my mom’s birthday!
Some losses others understand as we grieve – the loss of a loved one, loss of a home, or loss of marriage. While other losses people will never know or understand the grief of – a miscarriage (after all many do not believe that child was a life and say crazy things like there must have been something wrong with “it”)… loss of a friendship (Mary has felt the pain of friend betrayal, a pain that creates a hole and makes you build a wall to protect from happening again.)… loss of a pet (those without pets will never understand – Sam still talks about our first dog Sarah.).
Some losses are things I never thought about until now, but how I have the loss of identity. I am a child of God, a daughter, a wife, a mom, a sister, a nurse, a friend. But often, honestly, I get so wrapped up in my identity to other people/things, and being all things for them, and doing all things for them, that I don’t know who Sheri is…. (now that is a little too deep but definitely explains my issue with recharging me – last blog!)
So how do I fill the HOLES? I don’t believe that some holes will ever be filled completely. I will never know the child we miscarried and often wonder what if… I will never fill the void of my mom and Grandma in my life… I think it is okay to recognize the holes and mourn them, but very dangerous to allow them to consume me or stay in them. For instance, “landmarks” (like birthdays, dates of deaths) can be hard – and honestly, though I am a mom I struggle deeply with Mother’s Day. It’s okay to dwell on the hole of them missing physically in my life.
On Monday with what would have been Mom’s birthday, I chose to surround myself with other women of God who could help fill the hole… I baked the cake we always had on our birthdays and cried as I made it (tears of joys of all the memories) and ate it filling the hole…. I shared the cake with my brother as a surprise as he has a hole from missing her too and filled our holes a little… My daughter is named after my mom and saying her name everyday reminds me of her and fills the hole a little… I can share the memories and as I speak of them the hole seems a little less deep. All healthy hole fillers – memories and relationships!
I will be honest, I fill my holes in my life with not so great health fillers. I would have once said food was a filler, and though I occasionally indulge in food it is more for a taste and not to fill the hole. However, I have a consequence of all the years I tried to fill the hole with the food. I will say I fill holes with work because what I do is measurable, I feel good about my work, and it keeps me busy from focusing on the holes. I am awful on feeling I am not enough of a child of God, a daughter, a wife, a mom, a sister, a friend, etc… so I keep pouring out, and pouring out, and pouring out… the problem is I pour out into the wrong things – leaving the people I should be filling empty and me too….
As a result of self-reflection… I have made some changes. It’s just a start, and it’s going to be a day by day step. There may be a few step forward and a step back. On Monday and Tuesday, my choices and things I discovered totally made me realize what I need to fill the potholes of my soul… Spring is the time for renewal and road work of filling potholes. I am going to ACT on filling my pot holes!
(p.s. I have so much to say about abandonment I will make connections part two!)
(p.s.s. I would love to encourage you as you fill your “pot holes in your soul”, please send me a message and will lift you in prayer, etc.)
“In all our searching, the only thing we’ve found that makes the emptiness bearable is each other.” – Carl Sagan