On my grateful list awhile back I wrote I was grateful that the writing on the wall was big enough to see. A friend responded that it would be a great blog. So here it is.
I would say for months I have been stressed beyond my normal. I can handle the normal stressors of my crazy life and actually thrive on it. However, the balancing act of the added stress, that I cannot control, has taken me to a new level. My family would describe me differently. I snap when I would have never snapped. I even threw something the other night, which I have NEVER done in my life. I am emotional and just want quiet. I have headaches on a daily basis. My family walks on egg shells and those who truly know me know that I am not easily shaken. I am scattered and forgetful and consumed. I miss ME!
The sad thing is that people and situations have been writing on the wall for some time.
Sometimes it was a blank wall (which can be the biggest writing in reality). It means I didn’t even really exist, when I thought I made a difference. I dismissed the blank wall as they were too busy, things must be fine, and no news is good news. In hindsight I see the blank wall and it gives me the chance to sit back and realize what my silence is doing to others. There have definitely been times when my reaching out could be much improved, and do people wonder if they don’t matter or if things are more important than they are.
Sometimes it is just little words or small sentence written on the wall. A little jab, a little change, a little email and it all seems harmless at the time. Little words written on a wall are easy to miss by being so busy in life. Tonight I saw the perfect example — in the corn field next to my house there is a single sunflower growing above the stalks. I never noticed it till tonight when I was coming home and got behind a slow moving car. I had to slow down to see it. I also think that little things are easy to dismiss as not “about me” and even believing it won’t affect me. But over time it’s like spelling words, the more times you have to write them, the more they are embedded (or so they say). So maybe the words became more obvious because they were repeated over and over. Or maybe they just got bigger and bigger. Or maybe I slowed down and noticed.
The problem is the little words became sentences…. The sentences became paragraphs… the paragraphs became chapters… and the chapter became a book. All the little things I missed are now a novel swarming in my head constantly. I am consumed and I dwell on the words. I remember Mary memorizing the Gettysburg Address and hearing it over and over (and still says when we go). The problem is when the writing on the wall becomes a mural in your head that repeats over and over.
I am sure I am not alone in situations that consume. It can be health issues, financial issues, marital issues, family issues, work issues, etc… They usually all start with something small – health could be the finding of a mass and it consumes you…. – financial can be making a bad purchase and short on money to pay bills and it consumes you — family can be a little argument over a slice of pizza that becomes a wrestling fight in the yard (a childhood memory) or worse never speaking again … it is consuming.
It is GREAT that I finally saw the writing on the wall, but it is not okay to just sit there and expect the writing to change. But that is exactly what I have done. I have let the writing of someone else impact and change ME! The bad thing about me is that at times I believe the writing will change in a certain circumstance to find out that instead it is now in BOLD print! But I keep returning to the same wall and same situation – I guess the eternal optimist.
What have I done… I dwell on these words and think how I can change them. I have stopped writing grateful lists because I am consumed on reading the words over and over. I stay home because I just don’t have any reserve to deal with people. I have let this become an emotional battle that I am completely loosing.
What has this done – exchanged the writing on the wall for my family. The wall that use to say I love you!.. I want to spend time with you…. what can I do for you…. you matter to me…… to writing that reads — I am too busy dwelling to remember that… this situation is more important than you…. I am mad (and things may be flying)…. , don’t joke because my reaction is unpredictable. By being mad and dwelling, I have forgotten little details that showed I loved them. That is NOT who I am or what I want my family to be reading on my wall to them. It is UP TO ME to change that!
Somethings I learned about the writing on the wall. If the author doesn’t want to change the words, and I don’t agree, then 1. I can keep reading the words over and over and dwell. 2. I could ignore the words and pretend they will go away. 3. I can try to convince them to change the writing. or 4. I can find a new wall to read.
So what is a girl to do? Well, I think I need to find a new wall to read.
I need to read and hear the words of God repeating in my head. Reminding me I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He has a plan for me. He goes into battle for me. Be still! Youtube is my best friend as I google amazing Christian speakers (Liberty University, Priscilla Shirer, Lysa Terkeurst, etc…), Elevation Network, and more. It has fed me some amazing messages to replace some writing.
I need to pray harder and then be still to hear the direction I need to go. He wants to be part of the little details of my life. I need to replace the words written by others with the ones in His word!
I need to read and hear the words of the ones I love. Saying they will love me no matter what, they miss who I was, they have my backs, it will be okay.
I need to read and hear the words of the ones who know my integrity. Saying everything will be okay, I am worth more than this, and the writing is wrong.
I need to pour into the lives of others and ACT on who I am. I need to replace the focus/dwelling on negativity in my head with positive actions.
I think for this season of my life, I need to rely on a new love language of WORD of AFFIRMATION! Satan wants negative things in my mind to make me question who I am and my value. He wants space created between me and God, me and family, etc. Well, time to tear down the wall where the words are written! It is time to write new words for me, for my family, and reclaim ME!