So, when I am doing dishes and trying to get through my “to do list” for the day and I start randomly crying I have to stop and write. Maybe just to empty my soul of all the broken pieces. I was listening to an interview of Suzanne Eller and her book Come With Me. She talked about remembering how we felt when we first fell in love with Jesus. (I have not read this book, but have it on my Kindle).
I was raised in an amazing Christian home. We went to church every Sunday even if it was on snowmobile in the winter. My dad was a Sunday School teacher. My mom was the pianist. I sang in the kids choir of how Jesus loved me as a little child. We sang Hymns of it being well with my soul. My Grandma Frazee loved Jesus and always found strength in Him (Philippians 4:13). My mom lived out her faith as she fought Multiple Sclerosis. I have generations of Christ’s love being lived out loud.
Everyday, I try to walk that same walk, but find it easy to pretend. Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful and live a daily life of gratitude. I try to always have the cup half full mentality and choose to close almost every day with my gratitude post on Facebook. It helps me to go to sleep knowing that no matter what the day unfolded that I am blessed. I think now that those lists have been “patches” on my brokenness. They help me remember in the middle of hard pieces of life that God has been faithful. There are days it is a struggle to think of the list, but every day I choose to focus on gratitude.
Yes, I am grateful, but I am not okay.
My life is NOT what I want it to look like. I want more, and I am not talking things. I want a “FULL” life, not a “go through the motions” life. I want a thriving life not a just surviving life. I want to live an HONEST life not a pretend life.
Yes, my life is full…. So much to do and many areas overflowing (or maybe a better word is overwhelmed). The external areas of my life I make look like I have it completely together (except for my body – that is a separate blog). It’s like a house, from the outside it can look all good, until someone is brave enough to let you in to see the chaos. Sometimes even the inside of the house generally looks good, clean, well decorated, but there is probably a closet somewhere hiding…. Well I am a mess externally to internally (and it is very hard to admit that!)
I am a Christian… I know where my strength SHOULD come from (and can come from)! If my Grandma Frazee ever had a tattoo it would be “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Philipians 4:13” (the image of my Grandma with a tattoo made me smile as I proof this blog). She didn’t go to some secret closet and pull out a cape (although she had some amazing aprons with pockets full of candy and she was a super hero to me!). Her hands were worn. I remember watching her cry and be “weak”. Why do I feel I need to put on “my cape”, hide my tears, hide my fears, hide my hurt? Why do I feel like I need to carry my own weakness and walk around broken and speak to others of his unfailing love and strength and yet don’t let Him be the same for me? (sobbing hard).
Honestly, I think I am like the woman at the well… seeking… but too afraid to hold out MY cup. My broken empty cup. That is exactly who I am. Broken and feeling kinda empty and broken (actually very empty and broken). I think I am afraid of what He will pour into it. What if it is different than I want Him to? I have my list of things I need in the “cup” of my life. I know what I want my life to look like (p.s. it doesn’t look like what I want). He knows that list because He knows my heart. But the list is what I think I need to be “FULL”. The scary thing is He knows the list of MY REAL NEEDS. He knows my brokenness. Is it I don’t want Him to fix my brokenness? Is it easier to stay broken than invest in the healing? Is it I don’t want to let go of control? (In reality, I lost control a while ago). Do I not want to admit that I don’t have it all together? Because that involves being honest… being weak… being vulnerable. It means that my “cape” of being a superwoman is just a disguise.
Back to Suzanne Eller in remembering when I fell in love with Jesus…. I think that was such a miraculous feeling because when I went to the altar, He expected the broken pieces. I believed He could take the empty broken cup of my sins and weaknesses and change me. The beautiful thing He is the same God now as He was then. However, I am not the same me. I stopped pursuing Him. I stopped taking the broken pieces to Him.
I kept gathering them up and putting “patches” on them to keep it together. From a distance, even a cup with superglue and patches looks like it is strong and will hold the contents poured into it. But when you look close (if you let people get close enough to see) the brokenness is evident. Sometimes/always, I either keep people at a distance so they don’t see. Or, I keep that broken/patch cup hidden and only put out the “perfect” cup for others to see.
Do I not go to God because… I don’t think He can put them back together? NO because I know He can. I am afraid what it will take to fix them? PROBABLY because I want them fixed how I envision it. I am too busy to take them to Him? PROBABLY because it is easier to pretend sometimes than invest. I am afraid to admit I am broken to Him (and friends/family)? YES because I like to have it “all together” and be the strong one.
I have been doing just enough by going to church, listening to podcasts, listening to Christian radio to keep a little in my cup. I have been going through the motions. I have been putting daily “patches” with my grateful list.
But… when my family questions my facial expressions…. I start crying in the middle of my morning list… I know it is time to be honest and weak and vulnerable and needy… Crowder wrote a song “Come As You Are” and so often we go to the table with our best clothes on and pretend we have it all together. Time to be DELIBERATE in coming as I am to laying it all down….
p.s for those who read this and are worried… I will be okay. I can’t really explain why I am feeling this way because I am truly rich in many blessings. I believe it is because of some areas (people, situations, etc..) that have left me vulnerable (future blogs) in life recently. I also know that I need to be DELIBERATE in having a deeper spiritual life, stop pretending, going through the motions, and truly live the life He meant for me (not the one I have created for me).