As a child I think I always knew I wanted to be a nurse (except for maybe a teacher briefly) and I have accomplished that and have done many roles as a nurse. However, I now realize that when I grow up I want to be like my daughter, Mary! We spend more quality time in conversation then we probably did while she was in school (of which I have many regrets, but I can only make today different). She states I am like a “cut and paste” into who she is, and since starting therapy/counseling she feels I would be a good “show and tell”. It would explain much! But here is the thing, she is working hard on editing the version of cut and paste she inherited. Although not all things can be completely erased, the impact of them can be lightened.
BRAVERY. Although I love to talk (a trait passed down from Grandma Frazee), she isn’t afraid of the hard conversations. She is fearless in talking about things I have suppressed for years, and many things I continue to keep silent. I can have surface level conversations and smile and say I am fine and continue on. Mary talks about everything with me, and many times it is like listening to myself if I was talking into a mirror. I am grateful that she took the initiative to find her therapist – something I have not even done for myself. The fact that she needs the therapy from the “cut and paste” bad habits of mine and the scars of life hurts. However, seeing her get healthy from the inside is invaluable for this mama’s heart. I asked her if any topic was off limit in this birthday blog and she said no! When I grow up, I want to be BRAVE like her!
UNDERSTANDING She understands now that my intentions were good, and she has always been loved. We did the best we could with that great parenting manual they give you (lol), I could have worked less so I could have identified problems sooner with her mental health. Thankfully, the issues were caught in time to save her life, but unfortunately not in time to prevent all the damaging scars. However, all the years I missed it. I made her be more responsible and grow up sooner than most kids her age. Because she was so smart and independent, I assumed she could carry the extra. I didn’t defend her when people added to the emotional chaos that further harmed her mental health. Sticks and stones would have been less painful than the words she still carries on her heart and mind. I have learned that though I may not remember all the things she does and/or remember the events the way she did, I need to say that “I don’t remember it that way.” or “that was not my intention”. And I am sorry you felt like that. It has healed gaps and promoted a better understanding of each other. When I grow up, I want to be UNDERSTANDING like her!
PEOPLE PLEASER – She is working on no longer faking her feelings and some may not appreciate it. I am still the people pleaser who does things to ensure everyone else’s happiness even at the cost of mine. My people pleasing has been at her cost too because I have modeled it for her life on this is what we do. I have pushed her into things that she may not have chosen on her own. Did we learn some great things from them, yes, but what path did I prevent her from pursuing? We may never know and for that I will be eternally sorry. Eternally sorry that I did not shut out my voice from her head and all the others so she could choose her path. She still does somethings out of “obligation” or respect, but overall is learning to chart her own life and adventures. Thankfully she still turned out amazing and now listens to her own heart. She has chosen a new college pathway and covers herself with tattoos. Some may not understand her choice, but it is not their voice or heart she should follow. She is breaking the chain of people pleaser! When I grow up, I want to stop pleasing, and listen to my own heart!
SELF-CARE – I did implant a few things for self-care like reading and a long baths. The difference is she keeps practicing the love of reading by doing it and soaking in the tub. She is okay with laying around binging TV or reading a book. She broke my habit of feeling that every hour needs filled with something! Her skin care and hair care has always been a priority, but for a long time it was to mask her feelings and try to fill the gaps. Now she actively is doing her self-care internally and externally. She is okay with saying she is not okay and can’t make a decision. She asks for help when she needs it and admits when she doesn’t even know what she needs. Meanwhile, I respect her so much for learning what she needs for her self-care and saying it. It seems the more she finds herself, the more I realize how much of myself I have lost. When I grow up, I want to be like her and invest in my physical and mental self-care.
PRIORITIES My crappy examples have also paid off though because she has learned which portions to go back and edit from the blueprint. She has learned what not to do from my poor choices. She has understood more of the priorities I have chosen. I have shared reasons for the extra work, some valid, and some because it is my measurable escape. I am good at my job, but often felt less than adequate as a mom. At times, it was truly financial, but I didn’t share that level of honesty when she was a child. Ironic how I thought she was old enough to take on the responsibility, but not understanding the why. She had identified gaps in my priorities and edited those pieces for her life and marriage. As above, she has also stopped listening to others who want to define the priorities for her. I guess being a bad example helped her become a better version, just wish she would have edited sooner. When I grow up, I want to write new priorities and actually do them, like Mary.
BELIEF SYSTEM. We gave her a good base, I hope, on beliefs. However, I am so proud that she didn’t practice believing what we did just because we did. She has grown and questions things, people, theories and comes up with her own belief system. We can agree to disagree, but honestly, she has opened my mind and heart to different things to consider. If you ever want a deep conversation, give her a topic, and listen in. When I grow up, I want to be able to question and defend beliefs like Mary.
Some things I know for sure is that Mary is a better version of a human than I will ever be. My mom and Grandma Frazee would have loved her so much and I love that we talk about them often together. I am certain my mom helped pick her out just for us. I pray that by her next birthday that our many prayers are answered, and this stupid infertility can become a past story. I am so sorry for giving this apparent trait to her! So, she can be the model for her beautiful children that is better than the one I gave her! When I grow up, I want to be like Mary…
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