prepare to CHASE RAINBOWS

 Life has been very interesting lately (much more pleasant to say interesting than stressful).  I have been very stressed and drained and for those of you who know me would realize that is not like me.  I am a “roll with the punches” kind-a-girl.  I have some major decisions to make and commit to.  And God has chosen to put a BIG billboard in my life that leaves me powerless in the “waiting game”.  Life is seeming bigger than I am. I don’t like some of the lessons the billboard is creating.      I feel as though I am powerless and the world is totally stacked against me and really want to re-paint the billboard in front of me.  I want to paint it solid black so I never have to read it again.

 For the last few weeks I could just cry, and have truly done my share – probably contributing to my endless headache.  But my tears are a mixture of sadness, concern, and questions with tears of anger, disappointment, and pain.  I don’t like that person, that part of me.  I don’t want to question God and His plan.  I don’t want to question friendships and their authenticity.  I don’t want to read the billboard!  I want it taken down!!!

 I think part of the problem is the billboard is making me contemplate my life instead of just journeying through.  Making me stop and discover who I am.  Helping me to consider options that before may not have been there.  I know I am not alone in facing a billboard – I think of friends who have gone through death of a family member, spouses being unfaithful, financial disasters, etc.  I just don’t like some signs, but as I always say to Mary, “you don’t have to like it you just have to live with it”.  So true about the billboard – I don’t have to like it but I do have to live with it and face it and determine how my journey will continue.

 BUT, yesterday, just as the billboard faced me and the world’s weight crashed in, and tears streamed down my face as I thought of everything that I needed to decide and do.  I saw another sign I so needed to see.  The sign to renew my sense of direction in my Lost life.  A RAINBOW. 

 I have always loved rainbows.  The unique thing is that it was super sunny and not a raindrop in sight. I was driving out of the valley of the road and there it was.  Amazing that God put it there for ME to see as I came out of the valley.  It was the symbol I needed. I stopped and took a picture of the rainbow. I then decided to keep driving to follow the rainbow – chasing the rainbow.  It stayed in sight for another valley as I drove and as I hit the top of the hill, it was gone as quickly as it appeared.   

 Rainbows are a result of sunshine onto droplets of moisture.  That rainbow was real and I have pictures to prove it.  But the rainbow I felt was formed from God shining down onto my teardrops (moisture).  And though the “billboards” I face, no matter what they may be, are inevitable – there is always a promise to follow.  I have to be in the valley and willing to come out of the valley to see it.  I can’t stay in the valley and wait.  I have to chase the rainbow to get out of the valley.  I have to hold onto the promises and possibilities.  

 I thought of the song by the Gaithers “Give Them All to Jesus”.  – it says are you tired of chasing pretty rainbows, are you tired of spinning round and round, pack up all your shattered dreams of your life, and at the feet of Jesus lay them down.  Give them all to Jesus.. He will turn your sorrows into joy.”   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWTcUTuL-n4  

 Yes, the billboard is still there and I am sure there will be more to follow on life’s road.  But right above it, through my tears, there is a rainbow of hope and promise.  I can’t stay in the valley – I am going to chase the rainbow.

prepare to CLIMB MOUNTAINS!

Some lessons in life, I am not sure why I have to go through them, but I know I am not alone.  There are daily little struggles where I just stop and shake my head in disbelief / shock / confusion.  Then there are the BIG obstacles that I face that I am not sure I am strong enough to endure and will admit – question God of why I have to endure them.  Overall, I am a good person, try to make the best decision for our family, believe in Christ and try to let His examples live through me, etc… It’s the internal conversation justifying why it shouldn’t be me going through things!  That conversation can prove to be very dangerous – who am I to think I am above anything??? How can I be so vain? 

I think I have to come with a new perspective and it isn’t going to be easy – the voices inside my head can be pretty loud (LOL)… 

• Should I not be saying… WHY NOT ME?  What is this going to teach me?  How will this help me look at life through a different perspective?
• I could also say… THANK YOU LORD for believing that I am strong enough to handle this!  Thank you Lord that you will be with me no matter what happens!  Thank you Lord for giving me a chance to change my priorities!  Thank you Lord for making me realize what incredible friends and family I have.
• I need to think… What am I suppose to learn from this – and listen for the answer (the being still to hear will be rough)! What can I do to maximize this experience (because I definitely do NOT want to go through this again!)?

 I always talk to Mary that happiness is a choice.  Our reaction to life experiences are a choice.  You can be bitter or better; give in or fight; accept or deny; overcome or be overcome.  I think I need to practice what I preach.  Well, I am facing what seems to be a huge mountain, I can choose to climb it, go around it, or not make a move.

• I am NOT choosing to go around it, because I do not believe God placed me here to avoid it by going around it.  If I don’t face this challenge with His guidance, what other challenge will he need to bring?
• I am NOT going to sit and wait for something to happen.  Though sitting and being still to hear God’s whisper is important, but life changing moments take action!  I have to move forward and now sit and wallow in self-pity.  The mountain isn’t going to move…So,
• I am going to prepare to CLIMB THE MOUNTAIN!  He brought me to it to challenge me, challenge my thoughts, and challenge my priorities.  He brought me to it to test my faith in him, my trust in him, and my willingness to seek him.  I will be a stronger person, Christian, wife, and mother as a result of the climb.   I don’t have to climb it alone thanks to some awesome prayer warrior friends/family.

 Climbing takes work and I am definitely out of shape (especially spiritually). My directions / destination have been a little off as I haven’t kept my eyes looking upward (have gotten distracted by side roads).  My pace needs work (slow down and pace myself).  My teamwork needs some work after all these years of trying to rely on my own strength.  My equipment is a little dusty from not being used enough (my Bible).  

There is a big mountain in front of me… and many more small and big ones I am sure.  I am ready for the challenge as I do not face it alone! 

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.  -Philippians 4:13

prepare for a CONVERSATION

 Yes, I have heard those words before but NEVER thought I would hear them again! 

Yes, Lord, I promised I would change if you got me through it.  And I did! (He whispers back to me).  I know Lord, I only changed for a little while.  I am so sorry about that.  I didn’t mean to go back on my promises.  I really did plan to change forever.  But you see Lord, life got really busy. It’s hard being a mom of two children with very unique needs. It’s hard being a wife to a husband who may leave for a fire and never return.  It’s hard working and juggling jobs outside the home.  I didn’t mean to go back to the old ways.  It just happened.   (He whispers back to my soul).  I answer, I know you said it wouldn’t be easy – I have to pick up the cross and follow YOU!  You have to be the priority and everything else will fall into place. (HE whispers again).   I know you promised to carry my burdens if I give them to You.  But letting go is so hard Lord. Letting go is so HARD! 

 But, YOU promised to NOT give us anything I can’t handle.  You wrote that in your Word, Your letter to me!  And right now I definitely think you are giving me more than I can handle!  More than I want to handle! More than I should have to handle!  Are You trying to prove YOUR strength or MY strength?!?! (He whispers).   I know You also wrote when I am weak YOU are strong.  I know You wrote that You will renew my strength.  I am just telling you, this is TOO HEAVY!!!  I need Your hand under me to with hold me.  I need Your angels camped around me!  I need the wings of the eagles soaring below me.  I NEED YOUR STRENGTH!

So now what?  I feel kicked and broke down.  (He whispers).  (scripture about broken but not destroyed).  The thoughts won’t stop going through my mind.  Where do I start? What can I do?  Why am I going through this?  I just don’t understand!  Remember, I have a family, I have obligations!  (He whispers).  I know you know every hair on my head, Lord.  I know You know me – really know me!  You even know my heart Lord.  You know every word before I say them.  You also know my deepest secrets, my faults, my insecurities, my pain, my needs.  You even know my sins that I have not laid before and You wait for me to name them, so you can forgive and forget them!  I am sorry Lord, sorry for everything!  Sorry I didn’t stay changed! Sorry I didn’t do more! Sorry I didn’t say more! I am so sorry!!! There is nothing else I can say, but I am so sorry!

 I know I have to leave it at your feet, Lord.  I know I have to TRUST YOU!  I know that You have plans for me, but can you reveal them.  This is NOT the plans I had in mind! I know Your thoughts are NOT my thoughts.  If they were, again, I would not have heard those words!  I believe every day is a new day and You give me new mercies every day, but this didn’t go away overnight… the fear – it grew!  I need a new mercy!  I need You to crawl into my heart and say, “I promise my child it will be okay.”   I need to feel You carry me!  I remember as a child my earthly father would carry me on his back when I got too tired.  Heavenly Father, please carry me.. this is too heavy, I am too tired!  I know that means I have to let it go and let it be Yours – I have to fully surrender everything!  Lord, I need peace… I need hope…  (He whispers). 

 Lord, You have my attention, please continue to speak to me. I am sorry it took this to get my attention, but know that I hear YOU. And I know that You hear me.  Lord I just ask, that You now carry me… I can’t do this on my own!

 (this was my conversation with God this morning!  I know it is not like my other blogs, but I just typed out my thoughts to Him and I could hear His replies where I indicate.  But shame on ME for always waiting till I am in “this place” to pause to hear Him…  But how I wish I wasn’t in “this place”.  Starting this blog has definately been life-changing / soul-changing for me).

prepare to be MOLDED

When I was heading to my conference last Tuesday, I chose not to listen to the radio in the car.  I just wanted the silence to clear my head and to focus.   This seems to happen a lot lately – I just need to shut out the world and breathe.  As I was driving I kept thinking about a pottery piece I had seen (should have bought it because now it will be on my mind – lol).  I am not even sure what made it come to mind  probably delusional from the lack of sleep -lol).  I thought of that very romantic scene in the movie Ghost with Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore as she tries over and over again to form her beautiful pottery.  How it takes patience and the gentlest of touch to make even one unique piece from a blob of clay.

In summary from what I have now read to create a unique piece you 1. take the clay (product of decomposed rock) that has been mixed with additives so it can be molded into a beautiful creation by hand (some pieces are poured into molds so multiple pieces can be created – this is not the type I am thinking of).  2. Once created into has to be fired into high enough temperatures to harden the piece, and 3. then a glaze is added to enable it to hold water.

 I truly believe each person is a vessel that has been beautifully created just as Christ wants us to be.  Some are short round clay vessels and some are tall slender clay vases.  It is hard some days to look in the mirror and say “God, thank you for the beautiful person You have created!”.  Some days, I don’t even want to look in the mirror.  I see all the flaws and complain – my hair is getting gray, I don’t like how the shirt fits, I have a pimple, etc.  The problem is I look only skin deep and not what the vessel holds.  Not everyone can say their vessel holds a good heart.  Some people are mean and say hurtful things.  I think of the children that have bullied or have been mean to our children – some of them are attractive on the outside, but their vessel holds an ugly heart.  I think I need to say every morning – THANK YOU LORD for creating me, for giving me extra layers to protect my skinny body (LOL), and thank you for giving me a good heart!   I need to look in the mirror with Christ’s eyes and NOT mine!!!  *** Of note, I know that I also do not always take care of the vessel He has created and I need to do a little (really a lot) better at that.

I also believe that I have been through many fires in my life.  I sit back sometimes and truly wonder how much He thinks I can handle. But to have a beautiful piece of pottery it has to go through high temperatures.  I am thinking I have personally been re-fired many times.  But those firings have made me who I am.  I will be honest when I am going through the fire, I am not always grateful.  I am usually complaining it is too hot, I am not strong enough to handle it, it isn’t fair, etc… Sometimes I think some of the fires have caused third degree burns on my heart.  But I look back at some of the fires and see He brought me through and what I became as a result of it.  I would not be who I am today without the firing process and I would not be equipped to handle the things He has in plans for me without them.  What an amazing place it would be in life to say “Lord, whatever fire you take me through to strengthen me, your vessel, may I come through with your strength.”   *** Of note, I am not there yet, but definitely a place to be where I could say “Lord, Bring it! With your strength I can do it!”

The glazing process occurs in life too.  But, I think I have let the “water-proofing” to be a little too thick / too thin by convenience.  I hold onto things that I should let go and let other things go that I should hold onto.  How many times has a great thing been done for me by my children or husband and instead of holding onto that in my heart, I remember the time they didn’t do something for me?  It goes back to I Corinthians 13 where Christ states Love keeps no record of wrong.  That is so against human nature.  For instance, instead of being grateful for finally getting a dishwasher (and Jim making a sacrifice to get it), I tend to think about the 2 years I went without it when I am upset about something else.  I think about my relationship with Mary.  We have some really great moments when I think I am doing okay as a mom, and then one argument and all those great moments are let go of and I hold onto the argument.   It happens at work, I get a praise note and am thankful to be recognized and then I get an email that questions something I have done and out the window goes the phrase.  So what happens is my heart / head gets filled with all the negative and then it builds up and eventually cracks my heart. What an amazing place it would be to let the negative pour out and store up the things good for my heart, soul, and mind. I control what I hold onto in my heart and mind.  *** Of note, I have a long way to go here, but definitely a place to be – in a state of forgiveness and forgetting!

I need to prepare to be MOLDED.  I need to step out of the way so The Potter can continue to mold me, put me through fires, and stop holding in the painful things that just crack me!  He has gentle, loving, patient hands and His works are much greater than anything I could form on my own!

And yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, and you are the potter. We all are formed by your hand.  Isaiah 64:8 (NLT)

prepare to LOOK FORWARD

Thank you, Lord, for my lesson today!  I want to get this wrote while the lesson is so fresh, as I am sure I will need to reflect back on this.  Today, like for the past 3 years, I dropped Samuel off at school.  He went in pretty smoothly (much different than Kindergarten and other intermittent times in the past two years).  But I was able to catch a glimpse today that I probably have seen before, but today it registered.  As I was shutting Samuel’s car door and he was walking down the hallway (at a pretty good pace), I noticed that he kept pausing to look back.  Looking back to see if I was still there, and I knew that if I didn’t get going quickly he would be running back to the car.  How many times am I like that — I keep looking back.  I look back at past failures, look back at mistakes, look back and think “what if”.  Always looking back – I need to prepare to LOOK FORWARD!!! 

If I choose to look back, I need to focus on my successes – nursing degree, marriage to an incredible husband, accomplishments at my jobs, friendships established, memories of loved ones, etc..  BUT what do I focus on – failures!  * my weight gain and my weight loss failures (instead of the pounds I have lost) * financial decisions (instead of the great jobs I have) * lack of an organized home (instead of the roof over my head) * child raising decisions (instead of the great children I have despite of them), etc…  Everyday, I focus on my daily failures with my ever ending to-do list.  I put too many things on the list and the next day I carry them over, day after day.  Instead of looking back at what I accomplished and crossed off my list, I still see the list NOT done! This is a daily reminder because I always fill my to-do list with too many things and it is carried over day after day.  I look back at what I didn’t finish every day.

One of the problems with always looking back is it slows me from reaching the next destination, the next goal.  When you are trying to walk forward and keep looking over your shoulder, you can’t move as quickly.  I also run the risk of running into something, an obstacle because I wasn’t watching and thinking about where I wanted to be.  I can’t look forward if I keep looking back!  The past isn’t going to change – it is engraved in stone.  But the present and future is mine for the taking if I just focus on the end of the goal!

How many times have I told our children, I will be there?  But then Samuel looks back and sees me leaving – a little mixed message.  So I have had to explain in the past, that if you need me all they have to do is call, and thankfully it has never been an issue.   Just like Samuel I also keep looking back to see if my Heavenly Father is still there.  He says He will never leave or forsake me and though I can’t see Him all I have to do is call.  I keep looking back to make sure He is still there.  I am also guilty at relying on my own strength and then when it isn’t working out, I find myself either crying out to God in anger about how could He leave me (although He never did) or crying out to God praying please help me (when I should have asked so much sooner).  

I need to prepare to LOOK FORWARD.  Though reflecting on the past can make me thankful of how far I have come, it can also place me at risk for dwelling on failures.  Today is a NEW day full of NEW possibilities.  How will I change my perception???  I can * make my to-do list realistic so I am not always looking at a list of failure.  At the end of the day consider what is not done and look at is a new list for the next day and not the list of failures.  * create a vision of the finish line for areas of my life so I have something to look forward to * take a step forward toward the finish line – whether it is a BIG step of LITTLE step it is a step forward * refrain from looking back because it will only slow me down and bring down my mood, and * LIVE my faith by not looking back to seeing if Christ is there but LOOK FORWARD to the plans He has for my life and just trusting He is there.

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.  ~Jan Glidewell

‘Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ Isaiah 41:10

prepare to LET IT BEGIN WITH ME!

So, this is my third attempt at a blog today… Was writing the first one and it just wasn’t what I needed to get off my chest.  Started the second one and it was what I needed to get off my chest, but then spent the day with a friend.  We just talked about daily life and I took my mind off all the crap that has been overtaking it.  Work issues, school issue, teenage daughter issues, autistic son issues, insurance issues, and financial issues, etc.

And then on the way home I past Union Chapel and there is a sign in the yard that I have likely passed for weeks and read “Pray for Peace” and just assumed it was for Peace in the world – which is a worthy prayer.  But then a song from church, likely I sang it in Union Chapel the first time since I grew up there – it is usually reserved for Christmas, but it hit me “Let there be peace on earth and let is begin with ME!!!” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPH4LRASWbo – Vince Gill singing).  I have to prepare to let it begin with ME – peace!  I am not going to have peace at work, in my home, in our environment if I don’t have peace with me!

Well, let’s just say, I will NEVER look at that sign the same way again.  A simple black and white sign that today just spoke to me.  This week has been emotionally and physically crazy starting with Sunday…  A few things were said by people that just really made me step back and think to myself “God gives us the gifts, the burdens, the children, the problems, the blessings, etc.” we have because that is what HE knows we can handle.  When I complain about any of that, it is like returning a gift or saying “God, that’s not enough, that’s too much, that’s not what I wanted”.   A few of the comments was having a special needs child – guess what, Samuel has special needs and Mary has a different set of special needs (every child does) and in no where in my vocabulary will you hear me say “Why God” when it comes to my children. That is like saying “they are not good enough”.  Prepare to let it begin with me – PEACE in knowing that God knew what children, what jobs, what spouse, everything I needed and He gave graciously (although at times I think He believes in me more than I believe in myself).

Then I have had some issues with work – some changes taken place.  Because things didn’t necessarily go my way, I automatically question the system and policies.  I think about how unfair it is when rules apply to one person and not to another.  I think to myself “I always go above and beyond in work.  I volunteer to move my schedule.  I help with projects whenever needed. I…I…I…I…I…I  (do you see the pattern”.  So now I step back and have to say if I don’t have PEACE in me about work, I won’t find PEACE there.  So guess what… I have resolved (it took the sign and brewing all week) that I have to be blessed to have a good job.  I could easily think and brew and lower my higher standard to “just get by”, I could be stubborn and not compromise anymore and not do extra projects… but then I won’t have PEACE in me – let the PEACE begin in me!

Ongoing issues with Mary’s “friends” at school.  They have gotten mean and it is a big topic of conversation in our home.  I get very upset at what children are learning, how they treat their peers, the name calling, the swearing, etc.. But, I have a responsibility to our children that I will help them handle conflict at a higher standard.  Not settle with the name calling.  I have to teach them that they have to be okay with their decisions when they lay down to sleep.  HOWEVER, I can’t teach them if I don’t have PEACE with ME on how I handle relationships.  Do I avoid people at school, in public, at work?  Do I talk about how I don’t like how they handle things?  Then something has to change.  PEACE with ME will extend into PEACE about relationships and our children will see by example (not just empty words).

Health Insurance continues to insist that Samuel’s autism is a mental health disorder and is refusing to cover any of his therapy, etc. needs related to his diagnosis.  So, now I have to private pay for therapy until / if we can get him a State Medical Card.  It infuriates me!  I asked to meet with the people who make this decision – I want them to look at our son in the face and tell him and me that he is NOT worth the coverage.  So, I can continue to dwell (and honestly have not completely let this go yet) or I can let it go, move forward, and fight the next battle for Medicaid.  I already know that even with Medicaid I will have issues in regards to providers.  So I have to find PEACE within ME so I can move forward to put the energy where it belongs – in the next battle and not in the ones I have lost!

School is an ongoing issue.  I know that Samuel has made it through second grade with a lot of assistance and adaptations.  But, I also know our son and what makes him tick.  I know his spirit and how it thrives.  I know his strengths/weaknesses.  I know that public school is not for him.  My heart and head has been leading me to make other choices for him, but I was worried about making the commitment. Mary’s school years have been complicated differently, but there continues to be issues.  I try to rationalize that staying in public school is best, but my heart and head pulls differently.  In my recent meeting regarding Mary and I heard “you have to do what is best for your children”.  It was though PEACE was planted in my heart and head.  The PEACE had to begin with me before I knew what decision to make.  Decision made… big changes ahead…

There have been a few more “icing on the cake” things that have happened.  They were out of my control to some extent, but that didn’t stop me from dwelling on them.  Swirling them over in my head instead of problem solving and moving forward was the issue.  I needed PEACE starting with me so I could take the problems and move beyond them.

Do I always have the solution to life – NO!  Is life going to be fair – NO!  When I lay down at night the best thing to have is PEACE – peace of mind, peace in knowing I did what was best in the situation – I was a good mom, a good friend, a good worker, etc..   I need to have PEACE in knowing that God has my back!  He has a beautiful plan for my life – I just need to keep my mouth shut about complaining of what He gives and my perception of it and replace it with PRAISE – it has to begin with me!!!

My new daily prayer will be that sign – PRAY FOR PEACE and let it begin with ME!!!

“Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.”

“When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others.”    – Peace Pilgrim

prepare to START WORKING on LIFE’S PUZZLE

So, today my quote is about starting where you are – not waiting for perfection – and each step will make you stronger!

Only a few times in my life has the timing seemed perfect – started to date Jim on date one, I just laid it all out on the line that I would live in the mountains, graduate from college with my maiden name, and then would consider manage.  Because then I felt that would make the most perfect conditions.  Just thankful, he didn’t run away after laying it out there.

I remember Jim and I talking about we would have children when we were financially stable – LOL – if that were the case, we would still not have children.  I am so thankful that God’s plans are bigger than I can imagine!

I am horrible about procrastinating and waiting for the perfect moment to do something, and am beginning to think that all the perfect moments occur when I am sleeping (lol).  I have lost spontaneity in life at times and find myself looking at my calendar to figure out when I can/will squeeze everything in.  I have an incredible friend who has 5 children and doesn’t own a calendar.  I would like to be a happy medium between her habit and my habit.  But, the most incredible moments are not the ones in my calendar.  They are not the ones I waited for the perfect moment and planned.  They are captured in the little moments. 

For instance, on Sunday, Jim had to teach but the kids and I still went to church.  I honestly contemplated sleeping in, but knew the right lesson to teach my kids is Christ comes first.  Then decided to blow off the day and headed toPittsburghfor Olive Garden and Toys-R-Us for Sam.  Great trip and great conversation took place in the car.  Then Sam wanted to take his dinosaurs to feed and get water at Ohiopyle.    I could have said, it’s too hot, I don’t have the right clothes on (I was wearing long pants and dress shoes), I didn’t have a change of shoes for Sam, etc… INSTEAD, I said yes to the moment and not waiting for everything to be organized and perfect.  I also could have justly said I need a nap since I work nights.  BUT we stopped and the peace I found in that time was priceless.  God knew I needed those moments to heal from past things the previous week and prepare me for future weeks chaos.  I needed the renewal.  If I would have waited, I would have missed the blessing. 

My “to do” list is getting a little crazy again – and it is scattered on several pieces of paper.  I keep saying I am going to get them all pulled together soon if only I could just sit down over a cup of tea away from home so I could focus… guess what, I have never gotten somewhere to have tea – my to do lists are a mess – and probably what I am missing out on are accomplishing the small things on my list because I am waiting for the perfect moment of organizing them instead of just pulling them out as is and crossing things off the list.

My house is always crazy – I have a BIG dream of just clearing my garage completely out and setting up organization stations (would love just to do in my yard but weather is too unpredicatbale and will take days) so I could sort through everything.  For instance, shoes are an issue – I would love to go through my house and dump all the shoes in one location and then sort and purge… CD/DVDs are a huge issue – I would love to gather all of them into one location and organize.   Sam’s toys – I need to sort them by type (dinosaurs, legos, trains, etc..)..  I am always waiting to get the garage clean and then I will move forward… instead I could just say I am conquering DVDs for a few days and then move on… I believe the perfect moment will never come to do it all, so I better seize 15 minute blocks and move forward on the little projects.  (The flylady.com is great at this concept and I just need to start tomorrow on doing it – the fly lady talks about the value of just dedicating 15 minutes to a room).

My weight / health  – I always think I will start tomorrow and drink the water and walk 30 minutes and eat smaller portions… because I take it all on at one time and in my head it is all or nothing, I rob myself of the 15 minutes on a work break to go outside and walk around or toss the ball to the dog.  Drinking one large glass of water is better than none.  One of the other dreams I have is to do a menu / food prep – I would love for a month – but what about taking it a week at a time.  At the end of 4 weeks I would have a month done and could keep the good recipes for the next month and add in different ones for the ones we didn’t really like.

Growing up, my mom often had a puzzle out on the table and we would sti at time for hours and work on it, and other times we would just have time to put in a piece or two!  PERFECT analogy for life – there will be times I can sit for a few hours and dedicate to a project/planning, etc… but even if I do a piece or two at a time in the end the puzzle will still be done.    It is time a prepare to start working on life’s puzzle  – not expecting that I can do it all at one sitting under perfect conditions, but by building it piece by piece.  Some pieces will fit in quickly and other pieces will need turned and re-examined for a different spot.  In the end, the puzzle / the goals will get done and there are always more puzzles to do….

 “Don’t wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.” -MarkVictor Hansen

prepare for SYSTEM EVALUATIONS

I really hate defensive people.  When I have a legitimate observation about my feelings and a situation, do not undermine them by stating that they are wrong – especially if they are about our children.

     As a mom, there is nothing more frustrating when you have legitimate observation about your children and people who have limited exposure to them basically tell you that you are wrong.    Let’s just say that I have sat in more than one meeting at work, at my children school, etc.. and I express my concerns about what I observe or what I feel and the people across the table basically say my observation or my feelings are wrong.  It is that moment when I want to stand up and say “here are my eyes and my heart – use them for my view”.  I would love to have a Christmas Carol moment where I could be the angel that took that person on the outside of my life so they could “look in”.   One of my favorite knock off versions of that movie is “Scrooged” with Bill Murray where the angel of Christmas Present (Carol Kane) keeps hitting Bill Murray on the back of the head for a “slap of reality”  On any given day, I would love to travel with people into my life.

The other thing I note is that in every meeting there is at least one person that I want to be the angel to take them on the journey – honestly so I can “slap” them (a good “Gib Slap” from NCIS).

So having children, I have been in a variety of meetings this year.  I endured the Autism testing.  Literally, I completed hundreds of questions about Samuel.  Some were multiple choice (which in that situation I absolutely hated because there was NOT room to explain my answer or the exception to the answer). I loved the open ended questions where I was free to “tell our story”.  But, I still did not get to tell it all, so I attached a typed list of things I did not feel were covered.  During that meeting, I met some incredible people, but there was still one – the Psychiatrist – that I felt distorted and/or disagreed with my perception. He did not live in my house, had met me and Sam for maybe 5 minutes, had not read the essays/questions/etc, and still I felt I had to defend my perception – he was defending the SYSTEM of the diagnosing and not the uniqueness of Sam.  The rest of the hours of meeting, people referred to what I wrote, asked me questions about Sam and our family, and when the final report came back.  I read it and cried because it really reflected our story. 

Earlier this year I attended a series of meetings to create an I.E.P (Individualized Education Plan) for Samuel.  Some people at the meetings had not even met Samuel.  Others “see him” in the hallway but don’t know him, and then there are those who share the majority of the day with him.  To me, only the people who share the majority of the day and me were the only opinions that matter.  When I talked about his writing (and was armed with examples), and someone who “sees” him but doesn’t have encounters with him became defensive of my facts and opinion.   EXCUSE ME but he is our son, I do his homework with him, and I know what makes him tick!!!!   Don’t become defensive of the system that doesn’t work for every child – that is why we are sitting at the table to make an INDIVIDUALIZED education plan.

I had another meeting yesterday for a Gifted I.E.P. meeting for Mary.  I just took my purse.  I had been given a mini questionnaire before hand and filled it in and returned it.  It is usually a very smooth process, only a few of us at the table, and we all just agree. Overall it states how great things are going.  BUT then, I bring up my observations and much to my surprise a defense of “the system” happens once again.   NOT from the gifted teacher who knows Mary and what makes her tweak.  Well, guess what, I am the one who picks up my daughter from school everyday.  I am the one who knows what happens in her day – who is mean to her, who is in her classroom, who is her partner on projects, etc..   I know Mary and I know she puts on her “everything is okay” face at school and will roll with the punches.  But, at the end of the day the real Mary comes out, the real issues are exposed, and the stories tell it all.  When was the last time you had a conversation with her and asked how is it really going?  If the SYSTEM was perfect for every child, I wouldn’t have I.E.P.s for both of my children.

(*** NOTE the differences of meetings could become the next blog)

It happens at work too – people defend the systems of why we do things.  Often the systems are done based on “research” of what works best.  But, often “research” leaves out the human element.  Not every system works for EVERY person.  If only I.E.P.s could be applied to work situations – you have “gifted” employees who just get it and work above who should be given unique growth opportunities.  There are those who need I.E.P.s because they think a little differently or are hard workers but are just a little slower.  A SYSTEM is not perfect for everyone.

A few things I need to incorporate in life to prepare for SYSTEM EVALUATIONS.  First of all, a successful meeting to me is to 1. ask me in advance a question so I have time to ponder my answer and 2. when I give the answer if they don’t agree just say “Thank you for that perspective.  I never thought about it like that”.  (P.S. I am definitely going to be more conscious of this response with friends, my husband, and my children too!)   Secondly, when a person or persons become defensive of the SYSTEM and not of the people/children, it is important to take a step back and evaluation the system and the defensive person.   With any evaluation, there is a choice at the end –

• Can the system meet my needs for you or your family (as the individual(s) most affected) and if not can I change myself to fit the system (because you know the system isn’t going to change),
• Is the defensive person defensive for self-preservation or because they truly believe in the system.  Are they so defensive that change is never an option even if it is best for the individual? Have they been in the system too long and can’t step out and look at it from a different perspective (do they need a Christmas Carol moment)?
• If I can’t change and the person defensive of the system won’t change – do I stay in the system and remain miserable?  Or do I take a step into a new system to see if it is a better fit – because remember often the defensive person will not change (and if they are in control it is a problem) and if I know the system won’t change!!!

I definately have some systems to evaluation — I am prepared with heart and head (=

“Evaluate what you want — because what gets measured, gets produced. ” – James Belasco