prepare to OPEN MY HANDS

I referred to this in one of my recent blogs and even made a note to write a blog about it…  I talked about how when I purchased our big envoy it was to haul Mary and friends to/from activities, dance, etc… how it would be to haul Samuel and his friends to/from activities, sports, etc…  I don’t believe it was so much a dream I had for them as an assumption. 

Mary had always loved dance and was beautiful on stage.  I assumed that would last until she graduated, but that changed come middle school.  She needed a break from dance.  I will admit, it was hard not seeing her on stage and I missed the interaction with other moms.  She also dabbled in some cross country but the passion died quickly.  I then thought other sports would come, but most were eliminated from the Junior High setting.  She had several “friends” at school, but no real events to attend.  She realized early that most were friends at school, but not deep enough to have over.  So, my vision of our daughter’s life slowly changed.

When you have a son, I also think assumptions come in… I assumed that sports, friends, and boy scouts would exist in his life.  Also riding bikes and four-wheelers, etc…  But that is not Samuel’s life… He is unable to ride a bike due to coordination issues (which we work on).  I believe that he would be able to do sports if we did not live in a high-competition world where winning is often more important than introducing the love of a sport.  Also, the coach and players would have to be super patient and understanding, and free of bullies.  When he would emotionally/physically be ready to play, he would have to be on an older team due to his age and that would not work.  As far as friends, he plays much better with children younger than him, who still believe that imagination play is fun.  So my vision of our son’s life slowly changed…

It isn’t always easy letting go of visions/dreams for our children.  There are times that I would still love to see Mary dancing on stage.  I also would have loved to watch her have a chance in school at volleyball, etc.. because she may have fell in love with it.  I will also admit, there are times that I wish Samuel would be playing sports with the rest of his age.  It isn’t until Samuel is around other kids his age that I realize the differences.  But, I realized early on that my vision wasn’t necessarily going to fit their lives.  I have watched kids at dance be there because that is what their moms that they should be doing.  I have watched kids forced into sports because that is what their dads felt they should be doing.  As a parent, I am realizing that MY JOB is to take our children’s vision/dream for their life and turn it into an amazing opportunity when possible!  For instance, Mary has a dream/vision about music in her life, so we were able to give her an opportunity to explore that dream.  She now realizes that it is still a dream, but may fit a little better later in life and she needs more experience and training to make it come true.  For Samuel, it may be hard to help him become a monster hunter and a critter catcher (like the Turtleman on Animal Planet) – LOL!!! However, Samuel can really swim!  It is my job as a parent to take that love and give him opportunity to live it to the fullest.   It is important to us that they live their visions/dreams, even if it means letting go of our vision/dreams for them…

There have been many visions of my own life that I have had to let go.  Some are little and some are big.  But, what I have learned over time is that sometimes I hold so tight to a vision, a dream, a goal that I don’t leave my heart, my soul, my mind open for something even BIGGER AND BETTER that God has in His plans for me.   I limit my eyesight to what I WANT, MY PLANS, MY GOALS and do not consult the ultimate planner.  This can be so dangerous when I hold onto * the past that holds me back from the present and future * dreams that were not meant for my life *plans that were not meant for my family *goals that were not meant for our children.

 Mary and I love to watch wedding shows.  It is amazing when people hand over their wedding plans to a planner and the vision they had for the day.  The Wedding Planner takes that vision often to the next level!  The couple are amazed that it exceeded their expectations and more beautiful than they could ever imagine.  Very much the same for my life… if I hand my visions to Christ, my LIFE PLANNER (Jeremiah 29:11), I am sure that they will also exceed my expectations and be even more beautiful and perfect than I could ever imagine.  But instead, I hold my dreams in clenched fists, afraid to * let go * loose control * accept the loss * trust the planner.  As a result, I am not sure, I am living the life He has for me because of my small vision.  From His viewpoint He sees everything (birds eye view) and He knows everything from the thoughts of my heart, to my past, to my present, to my future!  So who am I who can only look back at the past with my one vision and the current moment and think MY PLANS can be greater than His!  Instead of opening my hands to hand Him my life, my plans, my dreams, my vision and giving them to Him to take and make into something bigger and beautiful than I can ever imagine, I stand closed fisted afraid to let go… afraid to let go… afraid to let go… 

Isn’t amazing that:

• My young children trust their parents with their dreams and tell us about them and we want to take them and make them happen, BUT

• As a grown-up and a Christian I don’t trust my heavenly Father with my dreams and tell them to him and let Him take them to make them happen (and be even more beautiful than I can imagine).

 My prayer… Dear Heavenly Father, this is your child, your daughter, coming to you opening my clench fists to give you all my plans, broken dreams, and unfulfilled visions.  I lay them down for you to take… may MY plans be blessed or discarded based upon YOUR PLANS…  Just as my children come to me with their dreams, I come to you with child-like faith and open hands….

Mark 10:14-16 (ESV): “Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” And he took them in his arms and blessed them, laying his hands on them.

Jeremiah 29;11  “…For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,
“Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future…”
 
*** of note, as I wrote this tears were streaming down my face… Sometimes I have no idea where my blog is going to go – and this has been one of them.  I really started this as letting go of dreams that I had for our children…  May you too have a child-like faith and open your fists to let God have your dreams and plans to make into something even MORE beautiful than you could ever imagine!!!

prepare to CHANGE EYE SIGHT

It was quite a busy day – I had a doctor’s appointment, then the kids had well-child visits, and then another appointment for Mary and getting Sam to Poppa’s for a sleep-over.  At the end of the appointments I ran to Target for some essentials and then a brief stop at Barnes & Nobles.  I could spend HOURS in the book store and so could Mary.  Unfortunately, we were on a time restraint today, but probably better for my wallet.  I particularly LOVE magazines.  I had got to read a partial magazine at a previous appointment and I was on the hunt for it.  One of the things I love about back-to-school is magazines giving suggestions to get organized, cool lunch ideas, etc.   But, one magazine that I have only found at B&N is called life:beautiful.  It is a Christian magazine and the pictures are beautiful, the touch of the pages are smooth, and the articles are uplifting.  I guess should subscribe to the magazine and then I could avoid B&N – saving me money, but missing out on fun admiring the books and magazines.

 I also love the title Life:Beautiful – so much a vision for me when I close my eyes… how do I view life?  I can’t always say that I describe my life as beautiful.  Today, it would have been better described as chaotic and over-booked.  I also had an interesting conversation with Mary, as often happen on our rides, and see our life in a whole new light.  Then I watched Nate Berkus (my favorite designer and releasing a new book in October) and they are talking about beautiful table.  Ironic that a table was also part of Mary and I’s discussion.  Also, the magazine also highlighted beautiful tables.  Putting the incidences together makes me realize they both happened today to “speak to me” .

 One of the other frequent conversations is the perception of beauty in society.  A certain height & weight, makeup, clothes, etc… Thankfully, as she ages, she realizes that society’s eyeglasses of beauty can be a little tainted.  She has learned to love her height, her curly hair, and the color of her hair.  I know that I struggle with perception of beauty when I look in a mirror.  I feel the struggle that Mary has.  This past weekend, she was placed in a room of strangers with very different body types.  I felt her pain.  This past weekend we went to a wedding reception, and honestly the last thing I felt was beautiful.   The bride was beautiful, and thankfully the eyes were all on her! 

 Really, life is all about perception – I have a beautiful life in the view of blessings, healthy children, faithful husband, and good jobs.  But could I not add to the beauty?!?!

 I think it is true – beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  Well, this beholder needs to work on my eyesight!  And if my eyesight is really looking at the heart – the heart of our home, the heart of me – my perception of beauty may change.  However, I also believe the beholder should not accept things as they are if there is room for improvement.  I need to step back and say, what needs to change to make life:beautiful?  For some things it will be making a change for improvement (redesigning pieces of our life to increase the beauty for our family).  For other items, it will be looking a little deeper than the surface for the beauty (though our home may not be beautiful yet – the hearts within our home are).  As far as external things there is definite room for improvement from our home to my body!  But I need to prepare to make the changes or change my eyesight.

Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it” – Confucius

“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.” – Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

prepare to SLEEP IN THE STORM

(note started this the other night it stormed – just never got it posted)

So I actually read a book in Gettysburg. I had found it in my garage when cleaning. the book is have a little faith by Mitch Albom (the author of tuesdays with morrie, five people you meet in heaven, and a new book being released sept 4 called the timekeeper)  Tuesdays with morrie was a nonfiction book as was have a little faith September 4.  They are simple but powerful books that shake up my current way of thinking.

The one story/sermon in the book was about a gentleman who carried a job reference that said he sleeps in the storm.  He was hired anyway and then a bad storm came. The employer went running out to the fields and barn etc because he figured his worker would be asleep and not taking care of things. Much to his surprise, everything was tied down, animals safely in, etc. and he realized he sleeps in a storm because he knew he already took care of everything.  Well, tonight as the thunder rolls and the lightening strikes… I need to prepare to sleep in the storm….

I think of all the storms that have passed through my life – years of infertility, a miscarriage, my mom’s death, etc. and the little storms of financial concerns, health issues, etc… Some I could prepare for and sleep in the storm, while others nothing could prepare me for – not just the storm sometimes but the aftershock!

But I think sometimes for me it is a state of mind as much as it is physical readiness.  It is when all the storm clouds of life, demands at work at home as a wife as a mother etc. swirl around me that I can feel the storm brewing.  Uneasiness in my misdemeanor and I get a little more snippy.  My lightening strikes are a little stronger and less predictable.  I know storms are going to happen in life.  I know conditions are not always perfect. I know that I will say things that should not be said and not speak when I should. I know bills will come, and the money may be tight to pay them.  I know sickness comes too and I may not believe I will have strength to endure.  Repairs will be need to the car and home, and they are out of my control.

I can tell you when the weather storms come. I will have children coming to my bedside in hopes of comfort.  They will likely find me sleeping (thought lightly) in the storm.  I actually love the sounds of storms and use to really love them at my grandma’s home with the rain hitting the tin roof.  But, I am a mom and when the storms come I will have children coming to my bedside in hopes for comfort and assurance of safety.  That is exactly the relationship I need to have with my Heavenly Father.  When the storms of life come, I need to go to Him in prayer and silence and seek comfort and assurance.  Well, that is not what happens…

• I don’t go to him first – I have to hang on the storm and let it brew and get larger and act like I have it all together and can handle it on my own. 
• I don’t go to friends/family to ask for help – they have enough to deal with and I can do this on my own.
• If I finally take it to God – I don’t leave it there.  I have to hold onto it because I either don’t trust God or don’t think he works fast enough – like I have control over that!

This is going to take some time for me I know.  Everyday and every situation is a new chance for me to remember that even when the storms come He has everything in place and I can rest in that comfort. I need to prepare to sleep in the storm, knowing that my God, has it all under control….

quote from have a little faith (pg 44) – Mitch Albom: 

 “Faith is about doing. You are how you act, not just how you believe”

 p.s. I encourage you to read Mitch Albom’s book – this book was about 2 “reverends” from different ends of the spectrum.. amazing story!

prepare to DIVE IN!

Spent the weekend with Jim and kids at Gettysburg. Always such an awesome trip. We love it there the richness of history, the beautiful landscape, and not to mention Mary’s favorite wings! We have taken a friend for Mary in the past, but this time just us four. We took the annual guided double Decker bus tour and Sam even kept his earphones on for 2 full hours (my how times have changed). Mary and Jim did a bus ghost trip and then a tour of the orphanage. Explored our favorites such as Devil’s Den and Round Top. The little bit of mud dampened the rock climbing Sam and Jim love, but we talk of return in the fall. It is amazing the knowledge about history in our children’s minds…. Something many children do not know or love. I have to thank my wonderful husband for that! Jim loves history and shares his love with our children. Also amazed at Sam’s incredible memory for everything we have done before at Gettysburg.

We stayed at the perfect spot – a hotel with indoor and outdoor pool. I truly believe one of God’s many gifts to Sam was his love of water and natural skill. He’s in his element in the water. Normally he will swim at the very bottom of the pool. I usually keep in the end where he can stand, even though he has proven his skills (hard to let go and even told Jim if he was in the deep end he had to be outside). Well, he was swimming with very rhythmic arm movements (normally he is little arm movement and all feet. I asked him where did you learn that. His reply, Mary – my big sister! We all just looked in amazement. Then we were amazed again…They had a diving board into 9 foot water. Mary had been jumping from the side with him and then he saw one young boy go off the board. I held my breath… He watched a few more times then went up to the board… Then on the board but back off without jumping… And repeated this a few times. I told Jim to go help and he said he will do it when he is ready. Sure enough, off the board he went… And again and again and again for hours.

Why can’t I be more like that – prepare to just dive in? I am always testing the waters and if the temperature/time is not perfect, I stay on the sidelines. Not Sam… If its water he is jumping in giving 100%. Probably some of that is being a child and not calculating all the consequences. The other part is believing in myself hat you can do it. The other piece is realizing it is more fun to try then to wait and calculate. How many times have I held myself back instead of just jumping in? The other thing is as I grow older so does my list of excuses of why I can’t just dive in. What if Samuel would not have not jumped from the board? Nothing bad but what an experience he would have missed out on. For him a life changing experience and who knows where jumping from that diving board will lead? I don’t know what goes through his mind, but I can only imagine! He has never had a formal class because we need to find the right person to teach him and build his skills. We are also fearful that the wrong person could crush his love of the water. But with the right person I truly believe the sky is the limit. At times I have limited myself because I didn’t have the education or don’t know how… Again just excuses…

I need to prepare to just dive in! God gives me time to enjoy and to use to its fullest and not to fill with excuses. He gives to me a fresh day every day to just dive in with both feet. Trust Him and His plans and just dive in – stop calculating and making excuses!. Savor the gifts and the moments. Leave the past where it belongs. So I prepare to just dive in… There is always a new opportunity and a new day ahead…

“Do one thing every day that scares you.”~ Eleanor Roosevelt

prepare for NEW THINKING

Another week has come and gone … a list of things not completed. But after almost 20 years of marriage, we bought a car together…. I mean truly together…. I had a Chevy cavalier that was wrecked, and we picked out a jeep liberty. It definitely was more my car than his… It died and we got my used envoy. I thought I wanted a bigger vehicle to haul children and friends. (More on that in a minute). We’ll little things kept happening with it and I wasn’t feeling so comfortable running it with the kids.  Jim had just bought a new red truck 6weeks ago because his old faithful truck was on borrowed time.  Jim has always gone with me to buy my vehicles and I have never gone with him. I am good with that though…. It is HIS truck to get him everywhere.  Anyway, I got a call to come to the dealership to “look”… I knew I would walk away with something new.  So I cleaned out my envoy. Keep in mind we live in the envoy… So cleaning it out was not easy….I was amazed of everything in there.  Stuff just in case we needed it… The story of my life… (More on that in a bit).  So, I pull in and we walk out with a new dodge charger.   I would not have bought that car for me had Jim not been with me… Most likely because I would have felt like I wasn’t worth the money, I should get something bigger (just in case), and winter is just around the corner….

So my irrational thinking… Why do I always feel like I am not worth it? Often I feel like I should sacrifice everything so our children and family can have it all.  Have they ever asked me to do this for them? Absolutely not.  I am worth a comfortable car, time with friends, time for myself, etc.  And no one has ever told me differently. I think as a mom I felt it my responsibility to give up everything for them… I use to mumble to myself on airplanes about putting the oxygen on me first before my kids. It makes sense but would be hard to do.  I know some really amazing women who also do not believe that they are worth it.  I think often there is a far right and far left… One group believes they are worth everything and sacrifice nothing… And then my category of sacrificing everything.  I am really working on that… I believe there is a happy middle and that is where I want to be. I have been making time for me and knowing it will make me a better wife and mom…. Prepare for a new thinking….

Next problem realized when cleaning out my car – Living in the “what if”…. In my envoy in the back seat I removed winter coats, gloves, new shoes, old shoes, snacks, water, and the list continues… I always said I could get stuck in my car and could live there.  I mean what if… I broke down or we got snow in the middle of summer or I got hungry.  I mean would I really pull off the road and climb to my third row of seats to look for a snack? No… I would hit the next drive thru which explains all the happy meal toys found too!  My house is like that too… Ask my sister in law…. I have things just in case….  Well, time to prepare for a new thinking….

Another lesson from the envoy…. when we picked it out, I planned for a future… I had assumed I would need a car with enough room for my two children plus two friends plus parents.  Well, I can count on one hand the times more than 5 rode in my envoy. Mary will have friends but only one, and Sam doesn’t have friends to haul around.  There is no more hauling to dance… No sports in our lives.  (Note to self write blog about this).  So many times I plan for the future and miss the present. When I think of all the things I planned for and assumed life would work out that way, it is sad of all the time and energy wasted on the future that never became reality. If I want something to be in my future I better consider deeply and take steps to make it happen! And let go of the things that I can’t control. I need to live more in the moment and not in the future (and even worse the past)…  Prepare for new thinking…

Another lesson… The awesome feeling of making a truly mutual decision. I am sure I am not alone in hearing any/all of the following. Dad said to ask you… Or it’s up to you… It doesn’t matter to me…. Whatever you want to do…. That will be fine… In marriage and in parenthood, often the decision comes down to one person – in my house Mom/me.  As a result I feel it is up to me to make whatever needs to happen (which probably also goes back to over sacrificing) – everyday things like meals, money, etc…With this purchase, I felt like everything changed… Maybe it is the newness of the purchase but not letting it get away that easily…. As a family we decided on the car, discussed what it would mean financially, and agreed…. prepare for new thinking…

All this from a new car purchase…  Well for the first time in 20 years of marriage (with the exception of my double vision), Jim and I have driven to work together, intentionally!  I love getting dropped off at the door and picked back up. I love the time to talk about life, adult conversation.  I love being able to reach over and hold hands.  Not to mention the benefit of saving lots of gas money (to help pay for the car – lol!)  It truly is OUR car and that feeling is priceless.  It is never too late for a new thinking!!!

P.s. in regards to winter… We have a mutually made plan worked out…

 

prepare to EVALUATE FRIENDSHIPS

Just have to write before I get busy with my continuing to do list. I remember the song about “Looking for love in all the wrong places” I think this song could easily apply to friendships. Mary and I have held some heartfelt discussions regarding “friends” in her life. Lately, I have also had to step back and re-evaluate some friendships myself. Today, I have been reassured that real friends exist and reminded of how awesome that relationship can be. LOCATION: Many friendships are based on “location”. I think this was especially true for my daughter as her “friends” were friends at school. She had encounters with them everyday, talked about what happened the night before, and shared the daily gossip. However, friends by location can be detrimental because the choices may be limited and not necessarily a person I would choose as a friend if you were not in that location. It is also especially harmful when you have a disagreement because you share the location and can’t often escape/avoid that person. The same is true for adults, I suppose. Often friendships are established by the location of our jobs. I interact with them daily about work issues, talk about the boss, etc. But not likely the people I would want to have over to our homes or have more than a casual get together after work. I complain to them about our little annoyances in life, but they don’t really know who I am, what makes me tick, what makes me cry, etc.

CIRCUMSTANCE/SEASONAL: Then there are friends by circumstances. I have things in common with them through children or spouse or common interests/hobby. I get together with them to do the activity and again we share conversation about our kids, the activity, etc. They know me in THAT environment. Often these friends also become “Seasonal” friends where they are there for that particular time in your life, but as the season changes and circumstances change, you keep in touch, but the relationship is no longer the same. You just pray that if any secrets were said to them, that their friendship remains true and the secrets won’t be shared with the next “season’s” friend.

FAKE: I have also been “blessed” with friends who claim to be my friend, but generally for the purpose to use me. They are draining relationships because I keep giving more and more and get nothing in return. Or even worse I believe them to be my friend, only to discover things they have said about me, secrets they have revealed, etc. I can understand it in elementary school, I guess, but some people NEVER grow up. They just hold me back to lift themselves up. My daughter and I have discussed friends at detail. She has been burnt by “friend” betrayal. Has heard words spoken from a “friend” that should never be said even to an enemy. We have talked about it is the quality of the friend and not the quantity of the friends that matter. She has been blessed with two incredible friends, unfortunately, the one maybe moving for part of the year. The other friendship is going through some awkward moments and I guess time will tell if friendship will prevail. These are the friends that are the

UNCONDITIONAL kind. UNCONDITIONAL / PRICELESS: I have many friends (about 70 on facebook – lol). Some are circumstantial, some are by location, and unfortunately I a learning of some of the fake friends. But today, I spent the morning over a small breakfast picking back up. The kind of friend that though I make two of her in size, I never sat there and thought wonder what she thinks I look like. And though we are a little different situations in life (she with two grown children and me with two school age children), the conversation was never awkward or full of pauses. Though we can’t always sit down at a breakfast, I know with full confidence that I can send her a facebook message or call her and she will really keep me in her prayers! It is not a high maintenance friendship where we have to talk every day, but her facebook posts are always read because I want to know what is going on in her life. She, however, put up a new measuring stick for true friendship! Well, I have been doing this blog since January and have really poured out my heart and soul at times. And though, I truly started the blog as part of a spiritual journey for myself, it feels good to know they touch other people as well. I know those who follow as I often get messages (and again the purpose was NOT that so don’t feel obligated). But when she gave me my mug, I really wanted to cry! It truly touched me. She had read my blog and knew the love of my mug (Live Today with Passion) and also read my blog and knew that it was broken and I was upset. She found a mug identical to it. Now, every morning and evening when I have tea, I will think of our friendship and how priceless it is and will thank God for being so blessed! This mug I believe is even better than the one before because of the love behind it!

So I learned I need to prepare to EVALUATE FRIENDSHIPS (and how good of a friend am I). (in no particular order)

•  Be the friend to them that I want them to be to me.
• Some friends are worth hanging onto and others are worth letting go. 
• Friendship is a two way street – I can’t do all the taking nor all the giving. 
• Be honest in the relationship. If I can’t trust my “friend” – they are not one! 
• Take the time to maintain friendships – if they are valuable in my life, I WILL make time for them.
• Get to know my friends – follow their posts on facebook, read what they write – it may reveal something I can pray for, and let them know I saw it – through a card, a call, a message, etc.- and that I am there.

Real priceless friendships are hard to come by! I need to treat them as the treasures they are to me.  Not wait for the rainy day when I need something to call them.  Take a moment and remember them daily in prayer. And know the little things… a new tea mug can make all the difference!!!

 

“The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart. ” – ~ Elisabeth Foley

“A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out. ” ~ Grace Pulpit

 

 

prepare to DREAM BIG!

Martin Luther King is well known for “I have a dream”… We talk about the dreams we have at night and their potential symbolism.  Dreams were recognized in the Bible (here is a pretty neat site to visit http://www.evangelicaloutreach.org/dreams.htm). Society encourages people to go for their dreams with quotes like “Just Do It”.  I encourage my children every night by saying “Sweet Dreams and don’t let the bed bugs bite” (thanks to Grandma Frazee). I remember as a child falling to sleep trying to think of all the fun things so I would have sweet dreams.   Somewhere along the line, my thinking of pleasant things to dream of has become a focus of things not done yet, my mental to do list, and issues from the day.  When I think of dreams, I think of light hearted and pleasant, not like baggage from the day and a heavy heart and mind.  I think of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz where she was told just close your eyes and click you heels together and say “There is no place like home.”  I can’t remember the last time I felt I could close my eyes and just focus on one thing.   So as I continue my reading quest, I am realizing through some pretty incredible books that on a daily basis, I sell myself short and therefore sell short those around me. 

Cindrella sang “A Dream is a Wish your heart makes… when you’re fast asleep.” I do believe I control my dreams during sleep only by what I think about when I am falling asleep.  I know that it affects Sam’s dreams, if he watches some of the National Geographic about monsters, he is sure to climb in our bed at some point in the night.  As an adult, I believe that not only do my thoughts before I go to sleep affect my dreams, but definitely impacts my sleep.  But, I am referring more to the real dreams I have for my life.  The ones I envision when my eyes are wide open and my heart is receptive to possibilities to exist in my life.  The dreams I imagine that can improve my life, and improve the lives of those around me.  I think about them often, but recently read about the power of putting them on paper (The Me Project by Kathi Lipp).  It is a step in commitment.  A step to say, this is what I want for life and taking the steps to make them happen. So I have bought the journal the book recommended and I am hoping to take an afternoon just to putting them into writing. 

However, the biggest area that I fall short of is living the dreams the God has in his plans for me.  The scripture “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11.   To me this verse says He has BIG dreams for me to prosper me, give me hope, give me a future. So… why don’t I listen to Him?  It’s easy for me to list MY DREAMS, but do they align with His dreams for me.  I am sure His dreams are probably bigger than mine.  What happens if my dreams and His dreams for me do not align? Will my dreams fail or succeed? What if I don’t like His dreams for me?  How can I know and hear His dreams for me if I don’t take the time to hear Him?

Just as our children bring their requests to me and say help make this happen, Christ waits for us to bring our dreams to Him and say “Please help make this happen.”  I do not believe that He will look at my list and go “There is no way you can do this”.  I believe He will look at my dream list (since He already knows my heart) and say “You can do more than this!”  “I want to give you even more than this.”    In Psalms 37:4 “Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart”.  The key is I have to know Him and delight in Him… He wants to give me my desires.  He wants to help me fulfill my dreams!  So I prepare to DREAM BIG because I have a Heavenly Father who is just waiting for me to hand them over!

“Dreams are illustrations… from the book your sould is writing about you.” – Marsha Norman 

The book the ME PROJECT  (http://www.amazon.com/Me-Project-Living-Always-Wanted/dp/0736929665/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1344478297&sr=1-1&keywords=the+me+project)

prepare for the FINE LINE

One of the hardest thing as a mom is when your heart breaks for your child.  I loose sleep over this.  Decisions are not easy to make as an adult, let alone a child or teen.  I have years of experiences behind me to help me make decisions. 

Such a fine line between

• making your child do something they really don’t want to and honoring their right to have a choice to go/not go, do/not do, etc (not talking about chores),
• discussing how a decision they make can change a friendship, relationship, etc. and step back while they go in the path you know will lead to pain because they need to learn (often the hard way),
• stepping in when your child is hurting or stepping back and letting the wound heal on its own, in its own time,
• respecting their need for space and healing by watching as they shut the world out to avoid pain & awkwardness and stepping in and making them face the world (the good and the bad),
• avoiding saying things that you know will be taken incorrectly and saying the words anyway because they need to be said (despite the consequences),
• allowing them to make a mistake that you know the end results from experience and stopping them from making the mistake
• support your child’s side despite knowing/loving the other person involved and not taking sides in a situation,
• wanting to protect them from the world and letting them experience life (not referring to harmful situations – i.e. drinking, drugs, alcohol),
• trying to help solve all their problems with them/for them and seeking professional help because you are in way over your head,
• controlling all situations you can and letting God take control

Actually this can apply to many relationships in life!  It is so hard just to have to sit back and let

• prayers be said (and wait for the answers – whether it is the answer I like or not),
• time pass for the healing begin (I am an instant gratification kind of girl),
• their heart to guide them in the path they should go,
• GO and LET GOD!

I need to prepare to PLACE THE FINE LINE and accept where it is drawn. So much harder than I could ever imagine!

Prayer for the day, the week, the month, the year..  Dear Lord, please help me remember that You are in control and I ask that you watch over our children – protect their bodies, their hearts, and their souls!  Give me wisdom of where to draw the line.

 

prepare to say I’M SORRY

Well, I do it often… but my foot in my mouth.  Not intentional! I am beginning to think it happens so often, that is where my foot believes it belongs.  I say things with thoughtfulness in mind, but the receiver takes it as a jab.  It is hard work always monitoring your thoughts before the seep out.  But once released…. (a little more on that later). 

It is really hard to also sit back and know that misunderstandings happen.  Even harder when it is happening to someone you love and you have to sit back and watch.  Let them learn.  When really you just want to jump in and fix everything (maybe the nurse in me or the peacemaker in me)!  I want to talk about the issue, but each time the conversation closes and I find myself saying “keep your mouth shut!” (of course that is the best way to keep my foot out of it). It is hard to say you are sorry when you don’t really feel sorry about how you felt.  It is hard to make the first move… and even harder to encourage someone else make the first move.  I know of incredible friendships being destroyed over not wanting to say I am sorry or feeling like they shouldn’t be sorry. But, it comes at a cost.  I am learning that I don’t need to apologize for my feelings, but I do need to apologize if I hurt another person.  Benefit (regaining a friendship) over Risk (admitting the other person was hurt).  Did you note that I did not say the risk being admitting that I was wrong!  It isn’t always about right or wrong, because I can’t blame them for how they feel and I can’t be blamed for my feelings. 

 A perfect scenario, I was hurt recently and even wrote a blog.  In my gut, I felt like I was owed an apology (a big one).  I even said to the person, “I never got an apology!”  I recall the look on their face… the look like I was an alien and had fallen and hit my head when I landed on earth (I know the look because our daughter sometimes gives me that look – of note, she is NOT the one who hurt me).  I couldn’t believe it!  I DESERVED an apology.  The problem is I have STILL been brewing about it!  CRAZY!  So, as I listen to my book on Kindle, she (my kindle has a female voice) talks about it is up to ME to change my attitude and NOT expect from someone anything, and it hit me, not even an apology.  I am thinking, I owe them an apology for brewing and stewing and letting it interfere in my relationship… at what cost?  It is a loose-loose!

A couple days ago I posted a quote about what we say to our children becomes their inner voice!  YIKES!  After a day at work, being tired, no sleep, etc and a list of things to do, I know I become short in my words.  In fact, I have heard out of our daughter’s mouth “What is your problem?” I could give her a list of problems and sometimes do.  I need to catch myself and prepare to say “I’m sorry”!  Sorry that I made her feel like she was my problem.  Last night, I said something to her truly meaning to help but it touched a nerve and she walked away.  I knew I wounded her but not intentional.  Before she went to bed, I knew I had to say I was sorry.  I didn’t want negative thoughts to be in her mind before she went to bed and I knew I worked today and didn’t want her brewing over it all day.  In scripture it says not to let the sun go down on your anger – often interpreted as don’t go to sleep angry – and my solution is, then don’t let them go to sleep (LOL). 

Our son can be super sensitive to words and gets his feelings hurt very easily.  First, note that one of the traits of Autism is not to “get emotions”.  Let it be known, he “gets emotions” and he “expresses emotions”.  In fact, my children are both gifted in the drama – when an emotion is expressed, it is expressed BIG.  Anger, laughter (the snort laugh), sadness, love, etc.. I am not big on emotions, pretty flat in some ways.  If I cry, it is alone. If in anger, I am quiet. If I am sad, it is not shown.  The beauty of BIG emotions, is I never have to guess how they are feeling.  The bad news is, when I hurt them, I hurt them BIG!

Today, in fact, I felt hurt a couple times.  But, it gave me a good chance to step back and examine if I had done that same act to someone.  All of it has to do with expectations – MY expectations that the other person does not even know exist.  Also, jealousy (but don’t want to get into that in this blog).  It just seems that everything is magnified for me now – little things that I once would have blown off, HURT!  It’s just like taking the kids to the doctors for shots and they say it is going to feel like a bee sting and it really feels like your limb is going to fall off.  The little things should be like the bee sting, but my heart feels like it is going to fall out.  I do know one thing, some things have to change.

 I have also talked previously about mentoring our children.  If they see me apologize, they will learn the importance of saying I am sorry.  It is not always being right or wrong (when it comes to my feelings).  Sometimes it is about that, but what is more important the words or the relationship?  Truly, it is about my soul being right everyday.  My soul is not right.  I need to prepare to say I am sorry!  The power in those words… the healing power.  The words are so worth saving a priceless relationship!   I’m sorry will help heal my heart, so it will have more room for love!  I’m sorry will place peace in my mind and soul.  I pray some relationships will be healed…

 “Never ruin an apology with an excuse.” ~ Kimberly Johnson

prepare for INSPECTIONS

The thing I like least about work is it interrupts my / our personal life (=  I so miss writing.  I started a blog the other day, but it got too emotional, so will have to go back when the time is right.  However, a few experiences this week really made me take a few step back.

Today after work, I stopped to get groceries.  Not really what I wanted to do, but my daughter had sent me a list – Ben&Jerry Phish Food Ice cream, Vanilla Ice cream, Chopped Peanuts, Caramel, Spray Whipped Cream… do you see where she is going with that – an ice cream sundae.  I got GREEN Mint Chocolate Chip for our son (the only ice cream he will eat out of a bowl, although this week he spread his wings at Nanny & Poppas and ate ice cream bars dipped in chocolate – several of them in fact).  I purchased Strawberry and a new Turkey Hill Extra Dark Chocolate Ice Cream for my wonderful husband.  I really wanted the Banana Pie Ice Cream, and still have some regrets, but knew I would eat the WHOLE tub and have really been trying to make a conscious effort to be a little healthier.  Anyway, while I was in the store there was a mass group of people all dressed in uniforms and appeared to be inspectors of some type.  I have never seen so many registers running at the front.  The greeters were in place directing you to the shortest line.  One cashier said to another one who was hanging out in customer service area that she better get on a register before THEY come up front.  Inwardly, I chuckled.  And all I could think of was prepare for an INSPECTION.

I work in healthcare and Joint Commission or The State Office or the Medicare officials, etc.. could walk in at anytime and declare they are there for an inspection.  When you know people are coming it is easy to prepare for the inspection.  Emails float around of educational points.  When I worked on the floor, it wasn’t uncommon to have educational points posted in the bathrooms. We prepared, prepared, prepared and generally the preparation paid off and the inspection went smoothly.  It is a little more interesting when people show up unexpected and announce they are there for an INSPECTION.  It is a big deal as they can fine the facility; shut the facility down, etc.  They have mock inspections throughout the year and we do our education courses online all to prepare for an INSPECTION.

Then there are the infamous car inspections that I HATE!!! Last year, I went to two different garages for an inspection and the first said I needed a transmission fluid dipstick, back brake plates, and a new motor for my back windshield wiper (that still works) to pass inspection.  The second garage named ball joints, a turn signal light (that worked), and another item.  I didn’t return to either place and got inspected at a third location.  I realize I am a person who does not know much about cars, but I am not completely clueless.  However, it has left a very bad taste in my mouth, and I have yet to get my car inspected… first I knew I needed brakes and tires to pass and took care of that, but now to squeeze in an appointment with the fear of the list that needs repaired.  I am going to have to go, and though I think I am prepared for the INSPECTION, I know they will find something… UGH!!!

I know I have said I love my Kindle with the read to me feature, but I really enjoy it! So, I have downloaded several books and really most of them have to do with INSPECTING my life and looking on what I can do differently / better for a more positive outcome, you know looking for the solution.  I will also be perfectly honest, I do not always like the magnifying glass they put on my life.  I like to roll through life as though nothing bothers me.  I seem to fill my days with work and running and chores, probably to avoid the inspection.  I am currently re-reading a book I read two years ago that probably opened my eyes the first time to looking at the many gifts I have in life and how they could be better – how I could be happier with the things already blessed to me.  The problem often is that like society, I often think we need more to be happy, instead of finding happiness in what already exists simply by a change in attitude.  The author Gretchen Rubin (the book is The Happiness Project) discussed how she took a year to research this and then implemented the Project by focusing on a couple things each month.  I don’t want to wait the year, and could probably tell you the things I would like changed with just a few moments inspecting my life.  I also believe that the wake-up call from God with the possibility of endometrial cancer calls for an inspection and changing things NOW and not waiting. It is a new month and I am starting on my Happiness Project (more details to follow) because I know my focus for this month.

The good thing about inspections is the report tells you your strengths and weaknesses and you have a chance to change those items.  I also believe that though things in life are good – your marriage, your friendship, your relationship with children, etc – they can always be better.  Another thing about the book that I love is that it doesn’t say run out and get xyz to make you happy, but focus on what you have.  I think it becomes easy when you have people around you all the time that you soon take it for granted.  I know I have gotten comfortable in relationships – especially with my husband.  I remember getting all dressed up for a date and not only have I physically changed, but my attitude has changed. So even if you have a good marriage – it can be a great marriage (another book that was read to me by Kindle helped me focus on this – more details in future blog).  I know that my relationship with my children is good – but I want it to be great.  I have to take the steps to work on that and with cyber school / home school just around the corner, I will have even more interaction in their life.  I also think as friends evolve they get comfortable and aren’t as in-tune with the friendship – but I want that to change.  I can dream that I want my husband to do more, my children to do more, my friends to do more, when the reality is that I SHOULD only INSPECT MY LIFE and be the one who changes.  If I don’t want to change, then I have to accept the relationship for what it is and not dwell on what I want them to do or how I want them to change!

But I believe the ultimate inspection comes from my knowing that I am in the will of God.  I think about the scripture in Matthew 25: 35-40 that talks about how we treat others is how we treat him – hungry (feed them), thirsty (give them drink), strangers (invite in), naked (clothe them), sick (visit them), prison (go to them).  There is a song on KLOVE about Jesus in Disguise (Brandon Heath) that really makes me think.  How do I treat other people?  Would they see Jesus in me?  Or can I imagine them being Jesus in Disguise? I will be perfectly honest; this is an area of self inspection that I really need to work on because I could give you lists of people that I am pretty sure are NOT JESUS IN DISGUISE!  However, how I treat people is definitely a reflection on my claim to be a Christian.  My attitude in public and private (and on Facebook) is also a reflection on my claim to be a Christian.  I have a lot of work to do because my self inspection is falling short. I have to continually prepare to INSPECT my life and even become more prepared to allow Christ to INSPECT my life!  The cost of failing my self inspection is an unsatisfied and unfulfilled life… the cost of failing Christ’s inspection – my eternal life in Heaven! Humbling….

 

 

Fyi the book info: http://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Project-Morning-Aristotle-Generally/dp/006158326X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1343957889&sr=1-1&keywords=the+happiness+project

FYI the song Jesus in Disguise: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5AXD3Xq6Z6U&feature=related_

Matthew 25: 35-40   35‘For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; 36naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.’ 37“Then the righteous will answer Him, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink? 38‘And when did we see You a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You? 39‘When did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ 40“The King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.’